tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post531833026791491235..comments2023-10-22T11:45:23.103-04:00Comments on dead baby jokes: lowered expectationsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-55233586225536338272007-10-30T16:18:00.000-04:002007-10-30T16:18:00.000-04:00Compassion from them, I think. I dunno. You're wel...Compassion from them, I think. I dunno. <BR/><BR/>You're welcome to come to sunny Britain for Thanksgiving and forget the whole thing ;)<BR/><BR/>Come join in my giveaway!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-83774874460576759972007-10-30T00:54:00.000-04:002007-10-30T00:54:00.000-04:00I've gotten to the point where I can deal with pre...I've gotten to the point where I can deal with pregnant people, but not babies. I don't know when I'll be able to deal with babies. I spent the wedding of a friend in tears because I happened to get seated next to a woman with a baby who was the age that Sophie could have been. <BR/><BR/>I'm not beating myself up about it, although I do not have the problem of having to deal with it in my immediate family. I'm still standing, and I consider that amazing enough. Asking me to deal with babies is just too much. <BR/><BR/>p.s. I think that your mother is obnoxious for not understanding that you need to have the choice. My mother would have done the same thing, since she was obsessed with being the perfect hostess for family. Still obnoxious.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-26223880287248196792007-10-30T00:16:00.000-04:002007-10-30T00:16:00.000-04:00do you see friends with babies? in other words, i...do you see friends with babies? in other words, is this about your stepbrothers being part of your family, or is it about not wanting to see people with babies more generally?<BR/><BR/>(if they love you, really love you, then i would hope that they understand.)Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05602868040771218507noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-41869665198736117222007-10-29T23:35:00.000-04:002007-10-29T23:35:00.000-04:00My sister conceived her second son about 4 months ...My sister conceived her second son about 4 months after we lost ours. She gave birth 2 years ago and we have yet to have a successful pregnancy. I didn't see her son until he was over 6 months old. Brad and I learned to enjoy our holidays by ourselves. Child free friends invited us, but that didn't seem right either.<BR/><BR/>Now that my nephew is two and no longer a baby, he is easier to be around, but I will still excuse myself from family get togethers (or any other occasion) if it gets too hard. I still don't go to their birthday parties. Partly because they are both right around the time our son was born, but their friends bring siblings and there is just way too much "mommy talk" going around.<BR/><BR/>I think you should do what you need to do to protect yourself and make the best of it. I have found holidays with just Brad and me can be very enjoyable. I hope you find a solution that works for you.Kamihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01215000341567119958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-46875504657779844242007-10-29T22:09:00.000-04:002007-10-29T22:09:00.000-04:00i don't know what i would do. i want to say it wi...i don't know what i would do. i want to say it will all be ok, that the sadness will dissipate. but i can't. instead i offer my (virtual) shoulder to lean on. <BR/><BR/>take care.Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04662448292809451387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-24298089717387243372007-10-29T21:22:00.000-04:002007-10-29T21:22:00.000-04:00On the other note...I hope everything works out wi...On the other note...I hope everything works out with this surrogate.Magpiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15460136246441367993noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-87509281795938297362007-10-29T20:43:00.000-04:002007-10-29T20:43:00.000-04:00I'm not the best person to comment on this one, as...I'm not the best person to comment on this one, as you know how much I avoid the family stuff.<BR/><BR/>My family lives 3,000 miles away, but I have avoided them as much as possible. My sister had her little boy 6 weeks after the twins died. I have never seen him and it hurts unbelievably to hear about him, and my other nieces and nephews.<BR/><BR/>I avoid all holidays. I find them hard to deal with (I wasn't really into them to begin with) and I am a firm believer that I don't want to subject people to my misery. And as I can't guarantee that I won't get upset at some point in the visit, then it's easier for me to just stay away.<BR/><BR/>But, this is me. And I'm not the best example of how to deal with this and also how to make things right with the family. I hope you can figure out a way to do so though.meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00113578396438869433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-67276603728481692642007-10-29T17:07:00.000-04:002007-10-29T17:07:00.000-04:00Okay, I made 400 typing errors in that comment. s...Okay, I made 400 typing errors in that comment. sorry, hope you knew what I meant.ms. Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15263348912679823512noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-44707845383855827352007-10-29T17:06:00.000-04:002007-10-29T17:06:00.000-04:00I don't think there is anything wrong with needing...I don't think there is anything wrong with needing more time for this. Yes, eventually, you will probably have to face it, but why now, if you feel this much anxiety over it?<BR/><BR/>For the stepbrother/wife who were supportive, I would probably be honest. If you can get those 2 to go alone with it, for the rest of the family I might be tempted to make up fantastic lies about how you and L already made these other plans on those particular dates, including Thanksgiving. Especially for you folks, who, for your previous descriptions would just make you feel worse for not going if they knew the truth. Now, before anyone says, yeah, but how to truly get out of family things, especially Thanksgiving with just "other plans" excuses, I say to them, you are adults, you can spend "family time" any damn way you please, and also, it can be good to do things differently than "tradition" just for fun. Family doesn't understand that? Too bad.ms. Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15263348912679823512noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-77809300713224766492007-10-29T16:43:00.001-04:002007-10-29T16:43:00.001-04:00I see. I'm so sorry, Niobe. I hope time will help ...I see. I'm so sorry, Niobe. I hope time will help you to heal, bit by bit. And of course I hope that you will have a healthy, living baby soon.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-46839071417043842162007-10-29T16:43:00.000-04:002007-10-29T16:43:00.000-04:00What to advise? I've never had a rift with a famil...What to advise? I've never had a rift with a family member like you've described. The asses I don't want to see deserve not to be seen but I won't be able to avoid it much longer and thankfully they're too old to have any young children anyway. <BR/><BR/>My thought would be to listen to Aurelia's opinion. But I remember you went to a party over the summer that overwhelmed you, and made the tensions worse. If you really can't do it, you really can't. Still, I'm leaning towards saying you have to face them eventually, and will you really be more prepared then than now? Maybe you need to face them, and to make that a part of facing your grief.Beruriahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07171541078529309991noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-51693581022496469112007-10-29T15:59:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:59:00.000-04:00I went through my pregnancy (due 4 days apart) wit...I went through my pregnancy (due 4 days apart) with someone who delivered a full term, healthy bouncing baby boy. I knew I shouldn't have but I couldn't even look at her once I lost my daughter. I tried to be nice (she would try to bring her baby around me) but couldn't bring myself to have anything to do with either of them.<BR/><BR/>This didn't change until well after I delivered my live Little One. I really tried but you can't change what you feel.Rubyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10098941764877979227noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-10736754382849604692007-10-29T15:51:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:51:00.000-04:00Amelie: My stepbrothers and their wives have done...Amelie: My stepbrothers and their wives have done absolutely nothing wrong either. <BR/><BR/>In fact, one of them was the most supportive person in my entire family. He and his wife sent me a note when the first twin died and sent me another very nice note when the other twin died. They even telephoned me shortly after I got home from the hospital, though I didn't take the call because I couldn't deal with it. <BR/><BR/>I've sent them a couple of presents for their little girl and, at my request, they haven't sent thank-you notes, because even that level of interaction hurts too much.<BR/><BR/>This is about my feelings -- it's completely unrelated to anything they've done.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08315267454529454063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-6060473137847623972007-10-29T15:45:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:45:00.000-04:00I'm sorry that this is not an alternative, Niobe.Y...I'm sorry that this is not an alternative, Niobe.<BR/>Your additions made me think that, while your stepbrothers have probably done something to earn your anger, the children haven't. They were just born at the wrong time for you, when it hurt most. This is just an observation, I don't know if there is anything to do about it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-58045685134016820592007-10-29T15:23:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:23:00.000-04:00I say if you don't feel ready then don't go. Becau...I say if you don't feel ready then don't go. Because not only would you feel awkward and sad but your family will feel that way too. People can pick up on these things pretty easily.Catehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18033228273412280786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-46302530991959915282007-10-29T15:17:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:17:00.000-04:00Hoo boy, am dealing with this EXACT question here....Hoo boy, am dealing with this EXACT question here. So I'm just reading along in the comments section, wondering how I can avoid the upcoming Holidays without seeing a baby that lives about 5 mi. away (so far I've done exceptionally well!). I guess my attitude at present is: if you're not ready, you're not ready. Email and phone are lovely because you don't have to SEE anyone, don't have to leave the confines of your home/cave, no one can see you crumble or flip them off. If you're ready to start up, I suggest dipping toes in the water via some other form of communication rather than just showing up. <BR/><BR/>In the meantime, I've figured out a way to get out of family/baby thanksgiving (there always seems to be someone out there who's willing to open up this holiday to friends), but Christmas is a real conundrum. I was hoping to travel ON THE DAY so as to avoid everything including my own tree/house, but now Mr. ABF's job may torpedo that option. Am seriously thinking of going to Iowa, sleeping in someone's storefront HQs, and working on a campaign for the 1/3 caucus. Anyone else?Tashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07376651134993450207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-31943149573592401882007-10-29T15:16:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:16:00.000-04:00I guess I'm not the right person to give advice on...I guess I'm not the right person to give advice on this, because my way of dealing is to avoid, avoid, avoid. I've cut several friends completely out of my life, but fortunately, no one in my immediate family has produced a child in many years now. And VB's family (including his hyper-fertile sister) lives 4000 miles away, so there's very little opportunity to see them. <BR/><BR/>So what I'd say is: avoid until you're ready to stop avoiding. It really comes down to doing what you need to do to protect yourself. <BR/><BR/>And good news about the surrogate process moving along. Even if you're not prepared to be optimistic about it at this point, it sounds like things are going in a good direction.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-80871597180361929712007-10-29T15:03:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:03:00.000-04:00Well, at first I was avoiding every child who migh...Well, at first I was avoiding every child who might remind me, and then I realized that a neighbour's baby would be born soon and I would end up accidentally seeing them mom & baby all the time. And the first time would be the worst.<BR/><BR/>So I marched up to her door, present in hand, and said I was here to visit. And I held her baby and cried hysterically. It was awful.<BR/><BR/>But the next time, it wasn't bad. And while I'll never be close to the kid, it's almost painless now.<BR/><BR/>Have you thought about trying to do this with one step-brother at a time, and kid, just alone, not in front of loads of family? Just because someday you might run into them somewhere, or you might want to be included in a big family holiday. <BR/><BR/>And getting it over with is not the most fun way to do it, but it might help you deal with the long term family issues.Aureliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13691032415028867902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-27454252092758316992007-10-29T15:02:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:02:00.000-04:00Ok, I'm posting AGAIN after reading the other comm...Ok, I'm posting AGAIN after reading the other comments so far, which were not there when I started typing my response! I am obviously not a fast typer ...<BR/><BR/>I stand by what I wrote as a good way to repair the family rift on the other side of it. As for your side? That's tougher. I think a new baby certainly lights up your life, but it doesn't take away one bit of mess made when the last ones left. And I think you can find a way to get back with your family in a way that helps you, even without having a new baby. (Standard caveat here: family in question has to be a nice one, not a destructive, disfunctional circus of idiots.)<BR/><BR/>I went through this same thing with my family. MY SIL had my niece Scamp all of six days after I ended my pregnancy due to the diagnosis of a fatal genetic disorder and a placenta problem. So I know the rage that comes with contemplating the injustice and inequality of why others get what we don't. I know about avoiding seeing the baby, and others taking offense at that. I also know how ridiculous their anger seems, in light of your own loss. <BR/><BR/>But when I finally got up my courage and went to see my new niece, it was not what I expected at all. I didn't grow hysterical for my own loss, or want to throw the baby down the stairs in murderous, vengeful rage. I found it was easy to hold a grudge against a baby I'd never seen before, but difficult to do it with one I knew. By spending time with her in spite of my grief, my niece became herself, not a symbol of my lost child anymore. And that helped me in the long run much, much more than avoiding my SIL and her family had helped me. <BR/><BR/>Obviously everyone is different. But I just wanted to give an example of how you could possibly feel less disconnected with your family now rather than later, no matter what happens with the surrogate in the future.Wabihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11197718938974431186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-25824507153491886302007-10-29T14:37:00.000-04:002007-10-29T14:37:00.000-04:00You are right to feel the way you feel, I think. N...You are right to feel the way you feel, I think. Normal human emotions and you musn't blame yourself. I am thinking of you during this emotional time of holidays and family gatherings. I can't imagine how hard it must be.thirtysomethinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11564139651442295144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-61805091169918133562007-10-29T14:33:00.000-04:002007-10-29T14:33:00.000-04:00You cannot fault yourself for your feelings.You cannot fault yourself for your feelings.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-14840316846898142612007-10-29T14:19:00.000-04:002007-10-29T14:19:00.000-04:00Julia: It really wouldn't matter how supportive m...Julia: It really wouldn't matter how supportive my family was. It wouldn't change the cold hard facts. And, at least right now, I can't imagine ever feeling okay about seeing my stepbrothers' children or, for that matter, my stepbrothers.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10685766216611639434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-37722917939270791872007-10-29T14:07:00.001-04:002007-10-29T14:07:00.001-04:00Wabi: I'm sure I could arrange to have myself inv...Wabi: I'm sure I could arrange to have myself invited. The problem is that I really *don't* want to see my stepbrothers and I really, really *don't* want to see their children. <BR/><BR/>Amelie: Unfortunately, L doesn't really have a family Thanksgiving that we could go to. His mother is dead and he's not at all close to his father.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08315267454529454063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-81600408907867075062007-10-29T14:07:00.000-04:002007-10-29T14:07:00.000-04:00I named my blog partly in anticipation of having t...I named my blog partly in anticipation of having to risk things again, to remind myself that I must. Of course I had no idea how many new and fun challenges would come up along the way. <BR/>I am sure that it would help if your family was kinder and gentler than they have the history of being. It is hard for me to imagine anyone not understanding why it is hard for you to see the "shadow" baby. This Thanksgiving is going to be tough. Here's hoping next one is better.Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-225058560254819105.post-17909542357165791242007-10-29T14:02:00.000-04:002007-10-29T14:02:00.000-04:00No matter why the decision to not attend in the pa...No matter why the decision to not attend in the past, I consider it rather crass not to invite you even if they know you may not attend. This is your family afterall.<BR/><BR/>However, I'm not one to offer much advice. Each of Mr. DD's niece's babies have been born on or around due dates for myself and I am very emotionally distant from them now compared to what I was. Maybe if they would rach back out, I would try again, but they haven't and that hurts nearly as much as what caused the rift in the first place.DDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17864339996118337420noreply@blogger.com