Tuesday, February 20, 2007

the worst that can happen

When we were just starting out in the IVF process, one of the nurses encouraged us to think about what the worst possible outcome would be. I, not looking very far ahead, said, "That it won't work." L, with a bit more foresight, said "A miscarriage." We were both absolutely, completely wrong.

I think the worst possible outcome would be exactly what happened to us: pregnant with twins; an uneventful pregnancy for 18 weeks; telling everyone because we thought the danger period was over; learning that there was something wrong with one of the twins, and then that it was dead; worrying incessantly about the other twin, who gradually slipped further and further behind on the growth charts; hoping to hold out until viability at around 26 weeks; being diagnosed with preeclampsia; a c-section at 25 weeks, 6 days; and the baby dying before I woke up from the anesthesia.

It was our hope slowly being drained away and being left, in the end, with nothing, not even a memory of the baby. I suppose it could have been worse. I could have died too. Though, on particularly bad days, I'm not at all sure that that wouldn't have been a better outcome.


Elena said...

After my stillbirth, I met a woman who had carried a baby to 40+ weeks. Her first child. SHe went in for what she thought was a scheduled induction, to find out her baby had died over night. He was big (10 pounds) so she had to have a C-section to deliver a big, full term baby. That was pretty bad.

Magpie said...

I'm sorry, and I can't imagine the heartbreak.