blogger ethics
I know, I know, it’s a contradiction in terms.
But it occurs to me – a little late in the day – that I might be acting, if not unethically, then at least unfairly. By blogging, I’m revealing all sorts of details about my family and friends. They range from the innocuous (“my brother got a haircut”) to the snarky (“I’ve always wondered exactly where my stepmother keeps her winged monkeys”) to the private (“My sister-in-law has a tattoo of a gopher on her, uh, lower backside”). I think the people concerned might reasonably object to any of these kinds of things being posted on the internet.
But if I can’t say anything about other people, that really limits what I can blog about. If I tell them about my blog, I’ll have to restrict myself to saying only nice things about them. And what fun would that be?
I’m curious how other people have dealt with this. Do your family and friends know about your blog? If so, do you ask permission before posting stories about them? And if you don’t tell them, how do you justify it to yourself?
21 comments:
Just stumbled on your blog and thought I'd comment as you raise a point affecting all bloggers.
Personally, I think anyone is fair game when it comes to blogging (be they friends or family).
What was it that Oscar Wilde once said ....?
I kept my blog a secret for the first year because I wanted it to be space just for me. But eventually, as my blog became more and more public, I told family members and friends. I wanted them to hear about it from me and not someone else.
Two of my siblings stumbled on the blog accidentally that first year and recognized me from reading one post. I think anyone who knew me who read my blog would figure out it was me pretty quickly.
So I am pretty careful not to write anything too personal. My husband, for instance, is a very private person so I rarely even mention him on the blog. We've had all kinds of difficulties with my mother-in-law, but I never mention her. So yeah, it is limiting.
Well, my blog is not anonymous enough for me to say much. That said, sometimes I do write about people. But I seem to have limits, though. For example, I don't feel comfortable at all blogging about my nieces and nephews, or telling details of my siblings' lives.
Sometimes I regret that I told people I know about my blog, because I feel restricted in what I can say. I only told people I trust, however. But then other times I feel grateful that I have this virtual gag - I might regret what I say if there were no restrictions and the last thing I want to do is hurt real life people. I actually removed two posts that talked about someone in particular because I worried about having been too insulting.
I have little experience as I only recently started blogging. But I will write about whatever and whomever I want on my blog. It's anonymous--even though I do use my son's first name. Only my husband knows that I even have a blog, and he doesn't know my blog's name or any of the details. He knows that I need an outlet to write about our son's death and my fears about my current pregnancy. I plan on using my blog to write about my feelings. It's only for myself; I don't care if anyone else ever reads it. If people I know knew about my blog, I wouldn't feel comfortable writing about my feelings for fear that I would hurt someone else.
My real name is who I blog under so its out there for anyone to know. I figure if I can't say it in public for the world, I may as well not say it at all. That said, I know many people have two blogs - a public one and a private (anonymous) one. I don't have the time to maintain two, much less one. So what they see is what they get although I have to say I do not write about anyone specifically in my blog so in that sense people can guess who I might be refering to but my lips are sealed. I figure if they want to know they can ask but it doesn't mean I have to tell them. Usually means they got the message though.
I have had some real problems on this front. My family is really, really pissed off at me right about now. NOT my husband and kids; my kids are too young to care, and my husband I barely talk about because he's so freakin' private.
I mean my family of origin. I have written about my childhood quite a bit. And what's funny is that I've not badmouthed any of my relatives; it's just that my memories are of necessity their memories.
But I continue to feel that they are MY memories, so I keep causing strife.
Sigh.
When I first started blogging I told my mom of all people, but I think she stopped reading a year ago.
My husband found out a few months in (from reading an email to me from my mom, but that's what a shared account will get you) and waited for me to fess up. He was really hurt--not by what I was writing or that I was blogging, but because I felt compelled to keep it a secret.
I do blog about him and the family but there are limits. But most of my blog is about me, me, me, me & the kids, etc., so there isn't too much scandalous going on. Exactly one of my IRL friends (who I met through an on-line forum, natch) knows about it--and because some of what I blog about are questionable interactions at the park or preschool or whatever, I don't plan on putting it "out there" in my community at large.
I always find ethics question so interesting. I am of the opinion that blogging about friends and family is perfectly fine and ethical. Giving out their social security numbers or mother's maiden name, is a different story.
I blog anonymously as much as possible, and my family has no idea about my blog. But they don't surf the internet either. My husband does know about my blog, and reads every post. I also have a few friends that read my blog, but I have selected those friends carefully.
I have tried to keep my blog reasonably anonymous, precisely for the fact that I sometimes need to write about people.
Only my husband knows the address, but some of my family and friends know that I have a blog and that it's anonymous. My husband doesn't really read the blog either even though he could if he wanted to. I don't think I could keep something from which I feel I get so much support from a secret from him.
I tend not to write about everyday things, only things related to my emotional life after my son died but yes that does include other people. I think the only family member I've been nasty about is my BIL, I've also written about some ex-friends.
I disagree with ipsofacto, I don't agree that anyone is fair game unless you take great care to anonymise them.
Sometimes I think I'd like to share my blog with my family so that they could understand me better, but this would definitely affect my writing I think. Also another blogger who did this wrote that her friends and family simply stopped asking her how she was and read her blog instead.
My family doesn't know my blog exists, and they aren't really "blogging" people so I doubt they would stumble on it. I don't talk about my family much anyway, and so I don't know that I would care if they did.
I haven't talked to my husband about it because at first I viewed it as no different than a journal. I wouldn't feel the need to tell him I kept a journal, but I wouldn't necessarily keep it a secret either. Now that I know people actually read my blog, and it has become more interactive than I thought it would be, I sort of feel like I should tell him. Now it feels like I am attending a secret support group or something, which seems odd to keep from him. He won't care, he's just very private and I will need to assure him I have maintained our anonymity.
I guess everyone just has to use their best judgment based on their own family circumstances. I don't know...
I think blogging ethics are very different depending on why you're blogging and who's in your audience. I think it's important to balance honesty, intent, and discretion--and your intent in the blog is going to affect which way you go between the other two.
I'm blogging in part to keep in touch with friends and family. Just for a baseline, in addition to my spouse, my mom, my daughter's donor, my midwife, and my spouse's best friend are all in my audience, as is the widower of a friend who died (who comes up often in my blog). This means that at the same that time that I'm writing for a blogland audience that posts comments (A.'s best friend blogs and comments, and my midwife blogs and lurks, but that's the only crossover so far), I'm also writing the equivalent of keeping-in-touch letters to lurking real-life friends (who almost never comment).
At some point I'll get upset with one of these people, since relationships ARE that way, and I won't be able to blog about it, but I've decided in advance that that's not what my blog is for. Plenty of other people have very different intents in blogging from mine, and they will have used anonymity and secrecy to create a different audience, with a different ethical imperative.
For me, enforced discretion is good, because a future Z. is also part of my imagined audience: I don't want to write anything I wouldn't want a teenager to read about her aunts and uncles. Better to feel constrained now than have a big blowup down the road.
People I am connected to through work with are also entirely off-limits. At least so far. This is actually the area where I feel most vulnerable.
Yet I think if we talk about our lives at all it's inevitable that we talk about some people who could identify themselves if they found our blogs. I have considered taking down one particular post, because I was using the blog to vent when I specifically didn't want to engage with the people in question, but I don't think that taking it down would remove it from the google cache, so I haven't done it yet.
my husband and I co-blogged for two years. it was supposed to be anonymous, although we were open about it with a couple of people we now who have also lost babies, but i'm fairly certain my mom and maybe other relatives found it early on. rather than confronting them IRL, i posted a beat-it message to them on the blog, so if i was wrong i didn't alert them to it, and if i was right they didn't lose face. my belief is that a blog is covered by the same rules as the little red plaid diary with the crappy lock and key i kept under the bed when i was 9 - if i don't invite you to read it, then buzz off. i believe it is unethical to read the blog of someone you know and not disclose that fact.
in the end, i got tired of self-censoring in case anyone familial was still reading and we shut it down and went our separate and - i hope - private ways.
My husband knows about my blog. And 3 online friends know my real name. I work hard at anonymity, and it is limiting. I am quite terrified that someone I know will find it and figure it out. I try to limit details and stick to generics and emotions, but sometimes specifics creep in...
When I check my stats and see someone found me from google, I get nervous...
I have two friends who know about mine- not my spouse. Like Jo(e), I needed a private space.
What I try to do, and what I hope is sufficient, is I never tell anything really private about anyone else, and I don't discuss small relatives, and I change all the details. I do talk about my in-laws, and I probably shouldn't, but Mr. S knows how I feel about them. I probably shouldn't talk about my crazy sister, either; sometimes I worry that she'll read it one day, and even though it's all the truth, I might regret saying it.
My husband and my kids know about my blog, though my husband doesn't always read it, and my kids are not literate enough to read it through, though I ask their permission before posting their artwork or songs. My husband's family also knows about it, and that does make me watch what I say on certain topics. I think in general it's been good for me to have that built-in caution for what I say, but there have been times when it has been uncomfortably limiting.
My parents and sister don't know about the blog, obviously. But I figure that they ought to just feel lucky that I'm writing about them pseudonymously. I don't think they would be happier if I were writing about them for formal publication under my own name.
Like onetiredema, I'm conscious that interactions that I blog about could come back to bite me if anyone in my community found my blog.
I blog under a pseudonym for a reason. Basically because I know that my experiences with ending a pregnancy after a medical problem are a red flag for certain activist types who want to shut women like me up.
My husband knows I read blogs and comment, but he doesn't know about my blog...or at least he doesn't tell me he does.
I blog about everything, but I figure that as long as it's pseudonyms, then why should our family care? To them, it's a problem with their own names on the net.
I view blogs as a type of virtual AA meeting. Open to the public, but sheesh, no one would ever GO there and spy on people if they weren't a member, and willing to keep the promise of confidentiality.
I have thought about doing a family blog under my own name with a password, so we can post pictures and keep up with each other, but I'm not sure the rest of the family could figure out how to do it!
I don't think telling is necessary unless you think they'll find out about it on their own. To me a blog is a place to express myself wholey and completely and letting certain people in would hinder my honesty.
Don't forget that your blog is anonymous for a reason, don't feel bad about talking about others on it once you do your everything to make sure that their identity stays private.
So... my vote is don't do it unless you have to.
xo Anns
I just started, and I hope to be able to stay relatively anonymous for at least a little while. I need a place where I can talk about all the stuff in my head and my heart right now, to people who understand.
My sister and one RL friend read my blog so far. I may tell a few others, but not too many. All the names on my blog except my own are changed, but I try to come up with meaningful pseudonyms, mostly for my own amusement at this point.
I really hope to be able to talk about anything I need to, including people.
I have a blog elsewhere (that I've had for years), and my husband has always known about it, along with a few close friends. I do talk about anyone and everyone in my life on that blog (though for the sensitive stuff I lock it from the husband - one must have a login to read).
This one I'm not going to tell anyone about - but if someone from my "real life" stumbles upon it, I'm not going to have a problem with it.
Oooh. This is something I have a lot to say about. After we lost the baby I hurt numerous people by blogging. I was totally nutso angry and railed on just about everybody close to me. Then I got hurt because I didn't realize people were reading (spying) on me and talking about my new pregnancy behind my back. What goes around come around, eh?
It was a mess and basically caused me to be a shut in for my entire pregnancy with Baby Wigg. I still feel guilty about it, and I'm still pissed that used my craziness for their amusement.
So I went password protected because I felt very vulnerable, which works really well, but you never meet any new bloggers--which sucks. It gets boring after a while.
So now I am back without the password protection. I do try to keep a little anonymous--just to stop people from googling my name and finding the blog. But I know very well there are people reading who probably don't tell me. I am generally an open book. I have few secrets. But this time around I definitely try to remember that words can hurt and I try not to be offensive.
Which sometimes sucks--because it's fun to gossip!!!! :)
Trust me. People you know will find your blog. Be careful.
My husband could care less. He never reads it.
Everyone I know is aware of it, especially the girls in my support group. It is actually for them (when they get pregnant if that is their future) that I write. I even have a few co-workers who know about it. DH knows about it too. It keeps me honest. Only once have I wanted to blog about someone I despised and didn't because I didn't want it to get back to her. In fact, I think I'll gripe about her today and just not offer much facts because whenever I think about her I want to kick puppies.
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