i ask questions
Some time in the next week or so, this weekend I'll probably get a chance to speak to one of the potential gestational carriers. I already know her basic background. Beyond that, what questions do you think it would be important/useful to ask?
10 comments:
Well, how she feels about contact, no contact? How would she deal with termination decisions, any issues like that?
Does she have kids already? Can you meet all of them and see how she lives? (Just because I have a personal belief that fetuses can hear and pick up on sounds and stressors during pregnancy, especially late pregnancy.) In other words, will your baby be surrounded by happiness and laughter or stress and anxiety?
Assuming that you want to be there, is it okay with her that you're in the delivery room? What about routine OB visits? How much contact during the gestation period?
I would ask her why she's interested in gestational surrogacy.
Does she like Greek tragedy? What are her feelings on Proust? No, seriously, Aurelia, Magpie, and Suz have thought of excellent questions for you to ask the GC. I think Aurelia's point about seeing how she lives is extremely important, if allowed.
These were the questions I thought of, not knowing really what the agency has told you: How many children is she willing to carry?
How many procedures is she willing to have? How does she feel about selective reduction?
Good luck this weekend. I'm excited/hopeful for you and L.
What suz said. I think it's pretty critical to know that.
Apparently I didn't go through enough verification steps to save my last comment.
What you went through in being pregnant and coming home with no babies--not to mention nearly dying in the process--gives you a very strong understanding of what the GC is offering to do for you. I would try to go in with the idea that you'll have a conversation and try to understand each other better, whether you are comfortable with the way she sees herself fitting into your parenting your child.
Part of what we did with our friend who became Z.'s donor was to create a written agreement--it was a framework for discussing and negotiating various things. Once you know if/that you have a match I highly recommend some kind of document that goes through your understandings of the relationship (beyond what the agency does). We never referred back to it, but the discussions we had while establishing it were immensely important. So many things came up in advance, rather than lying in wait to booby-trap us later.
btw: I'm curious about the terminology. I'm using GC b/c you do, but to me "gestational surrogate" sounds warmer and less clinical. Has the word "surrogate" been tainted by the media interest in contested cases?
Suz, Slouching Mom-- I will definitely ask her that question.
On some of the other questions: I know she already has kids. I know that she's willing to carry twins, but I can certainly ask her about what would happen in the unlikely event of triplets or more.
One thing that I guess I didn't explain is that she lives far, far away from me. So, the downside is that I wouldn't be able to participate closely in the pregnancy. On the other hand, the upside is that I wouldn't be able to participate closely in the pregnancy. Which, I'm hoping, would make it less stressful for me, but has obvious disadvantages.
The distance also makes it hard, if not impossible, for her to have much contact with a potential child. Which, again, has its pluses and minuses.
On the terminology: I use GC just because I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing over and over again.
I'm really excited and scared about the whole thing. I need to keep reminding myself that, even if I match with her (or anyone else), there's no guarantee that she would actually get pregnant or carry the baby to term. Although she certainly has much better odds of having a safe delivery than, say, me.
I talked to a friend who had twins with a GC recently. She had a bunch of very useful suggestions for questions and other things as well.
The questions I found insightful were
-how stressful is your life?
-what do you do to relieve stress?
-who is in your support system?
-who is your best friend and why?
-what does your family think of you wanting to be a surrogate?
-what kind of birth experience are you looking for?
-what is your favorite book/movie etc.
-what kind of relationship would you like to have during the pregnancy? (if she wants to talk about PG aches and pains, for example, would you be comfortable with that? and if not, is that a deal-breaker?)
She said more open-ended questions let you get a better idea of the person. She also recommended you ask about her motivations for wanting to be a surrogate, and to beware of those whose primary motivation is money. And she suggested making sure she is financially secure without this money (her GS used the money to add to her kid's college fund-- she didn't need it for day to day).
She had some other interesting things to say, and she also said that she would be happy to talk to you directly. So if you want to talk to her, let me know and I will give you her info.
Thanks for the comment on my post. I'm always surprised when someone likes my writing. =)
I haven't read your backlog yet, so I don't really know your story. But I know you've lost babies, and I am so sorry. god, it's just so awful... You've got my best wishes on this venture.
All good questions above! One question I would ask (and I know you may already know) is: Have you done this before and if so, how did you handle the separation after the birth? Just seems to me that it would be critical to know if and how she has done that in the past....as well as how she deals with grieving. Regardless of whether everything goes perfectly smooth or if everything goes "south", this woman is likely to have grieving issues.
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