not that easy
My therapist says one of the things (besides the obvious) that makes me so unhappy is that I don’t trust anyone. He's making a good point. Keeping everyone at arm’s length isn’t helping me. In fact, I’m sure that it makes me feel more alone and less able to cope. As the ad for the lottery says: you can't win if you don't play. But it's equally true that you can't lose if you don't play.
When I look back, I see many times when I would have benefitted greatly from being a little less naive and a little more suspicious. So (and this is a rhetorical question), how can I change my stance towards the world when my mistrust has proven to be justified, over and over again?
12 comments:
Oh, man. That's a tough one. Because I am someone just as mistrustful as you seem to be, I don't know. And yes, I know the question was rhetorical.
But it's equally true that you can't lose if you don't play.
That's something I'd say!!
Hmmmm.... That's not easy. I am pretty guarded myself, and have become increasingly so since the loss of my twins. You only have to encounter a few insensitive comments before you decide it's not worth the risk. But, like you said, that also means we probably miss out on a lot of supportive comments and the opportunity to know who we actually can trust.
My recent encounter with my old college friend was proof of that. It was refreshing, but nevertheless surprising. It's kind of sad when we view human kindness as a surprise, don't you think?
Something I've noticed about the way your blog functions is that what you say in your posts is highly crafted (something I admire very much) and occasionally oblique (like the use of classical allusions). You offer glimpses more than stories. A post may seem not to invite comments, but then when people comment anyway, you open up more in your responses. And if people need to hang in there for a large number of glimpses in order to get a sense of your story, then you don't reveal too much to someone with only casual curiosity.
Perhaps this is part of figuring out who it's safe/worthwhile to trust? I don't know how well this translates into your real life, though it seems clear that it could.
Again, I have to say you are not giving yourself enough credit. It's unsurprising, given that people have hurt you badly in the past, that you are suspicious. But look what you are doing here. It's safer here, yes, but it doesn't mean you are not taking a risk by opening up.
I, for one, am very glad you are here. Both for you and for myself.
Echoing what Sheila said about your blogging behaviour, it sounds like you might be "an aloof," as described by James Redfield in the Celestine Vision. You test the waters with people by giving out very little personal information. Only when they probe deeper, and only if you comfortable with the questioner, will you reveal yourself. It's a way for you to attract energy to yourself. It comes from having a sense of the world not being a safe place. Makes sense. I do the same myself, sometimes.
And, like Julia said, you are taking a big step by writing this blog.
I really love Sheila's comment; I can understand the mistrust mirrored in the way that you write, small Russian-doll type entries. Even though trolls can come around from time to time, I've found that the online world feels safer to me as more of the choices, especially what to read and what not to read, are in my hands.
I think this is like when you are SOOOO tired and all you can think about is getting to bed, and you know that you would feel better if you could just get to sleep, yet there is NOTHING you can do to fall asleep. You lie there and stare at the ceiling.
So, I don't know how to start feeling like you can trust people. I guess you just have to eventually take a leap of faith with someone. Hopefully that person is deserving of your trust, which may allow you to trust one more person.
It's a long and slow and ugly, road, though. You may see me on that road, clawing my way along. Wave if you pass by, okay?
I'm fascinated by these comments.
I'd never thought of my blog as reflecting my mistrust, but I think (Sheila, Furrow and Suz) that you are exactly right. Russian dolls...I like that image.
And I had no idea that so many people (slouching mom, lori and delphi) had similar feelings. I guess that probably shouldn't be as comforting to me as it apparently is.
Oh and thanks, Julia, what a nice thing to say.
This just reminds me of one of my favorite songs. "Coming Around Again" by Carly Simon.
http://www.carlysimon.com/music/Lyrics/Coming_Around_Again.html
I trust very few people...maybe only my husband and my mom...but I still reach out to people. I don't know why. I sort of think you have to or you go crazy, don't you think? Of course, then everybody disappoints me, which sucks.
My favorite teacher said that cynics are failed romantics--or something to that effect.
I have a friend who has serious issues with trust. It is understandable, as life has been very difficult, some awful things have happened to her, and plenty of people have given her good reasons to be untrusing.
But I have observed through the years that I have known her that often times she goes into situations expecting to be dissappointed, and sure enough, that is what happens.
I'm not suggesting that caution and a measure of suspiciousness aren't of benefit. I'm not really sure what I am suggesting...just an observation.
To answer the question on your post, trust slowly, research, take care.
Yes, some people will hurt you, but others like your husband won't. It's important to see those good people in your lives. And to figure out who the not so good ones are. Then ask, why are the not so good ones there if they are awful to you? If you really love yourself, then why keep toxic friends, co-workers, colleagues?
The way that I have explained it to my therapist is that I trust people well enough-- it tends more to be God that I have an issue with. And, yes, that probably makes me aloof in many situations.
I actually make a real effort to be positive and engaged. I can't help it if that engagement often feels like a big bitter joke.
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