Wednesday, April 4, 2007

skin deep

The scar from my c-section curves between my hip bones, pinkish, raised, and slightly off-center. Though, for the most part, I try to ignore it, occasionally I look down and cringe. It will fade, with time, to a thin pale line, a permanent memento of loss and failure. But what bothers me most is that it has the shape of a smile.

11 comments:

JuliaKB said...

You know the funny part is that I would almost welcome a scar-- with the exception of the 20 extra pounds I still lag around there is nothing physically connecting me to my son anymore.

Sheila said...

I'm offering this knowing the outcome for me was a living baby, so there's no comparison in the end, but your post rang bells for me.

During my pregnancy I had almost no stretch marks. When I looked in a long mirror after Z. was born, I found that labor had given me a lurid purple set from my right hip to the center of my belly, all across that quadrant. This is exactly how Z.'s head had turned to get her out after 75 hours. I hated those marks. I hated them most before she came home, but when I think about them, I hate them still. It was like looking at a part of me that had been destroyed.

Artblog said...

I didn't have a c-section, but I have plenty of stretch marks from all my pregnancies and they constantly remind me of what i don't want to be remind of every time I bathe.

I'd love to get rid of them with surgery, but my H. is against that idea. I'm still determined to one day. Every time I look in the mirror I say, "one day", that really annoys him :)

Magpie said...

Your writing never fails to send chills down my spine, and a sharp little intake of breath. You write with a, dare I say, surgical precision.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I haven't had firsthand experience with this - and I know that this analogy is anything but perfect -but a friend of mine had many scars from self-injury that were inflicted due to a horrible childhood and an untreated mental illness. These scars were very painful for her but, after quite some time, she came to accept them as part of her painful journey. There is a possibility that you will get to this point someday....

Sara said...

No external scars for me, just the emotional ones plus really weird tingles from cervix. I wouldn't welcome a scar because I'm thankful I was able to avoid the trauma of a c-section at least. And I didn't have to learn Natan's fate after waking up. I think I was the first person to know he'd died.

The Town Criers said...

This is one of the saddest and most beautiful things I've read all day. Thank you for putting this out there.

Aurelia said...

This is so sad...I relate a little in that I didn't get scars after delivering my live children, but by the time I had my miscarriages I had acquired many awful stretch marks and some scars from my laparoscopy.

Everytime I look at them, it reminds me of my losses. I've vowed to get laser surgery someday to erase them....

wannabe mom said...

I would look in the mirror at my scar and be so sad, and mine is smiling too (until I pull up on my 'pouch'- he he). Sometimes I am almost glad I have this reminder of my girls. I wonder if I should tattoo some birds standing on it for a little laugh.

Katie said...

After a year and some change, my scar has faded quite a bit. I hate that it's still there at all. I don't need a physical reminder of what I've lost.

Smiling said...

I completely agree with you about that smiling shape.... and I am in awe of your ways with words.