everything but party time
Right now, I'm thinking bad thoughts about myself. We went to a big party at my father's house last night. When we got there, everyone was listening to some indescipherable piece on clarinet and piano. One of my stepmother's friends, a woman I've known for years, saw me come in and smiled and waved from her seat. Suddenly, I just couldn't bear to see or talk to anyone. I went up to the third floor and sat in my father's study, listening to the music drifting up the stairwell and, later, to talking and laughter. I couldn't quite make out the words, but I could hear the voices and even identify who they belonged to. There's my stepbrother, I thought. There's my half-sister.
I stayed up there for a long time, then went down the back stairs to the kitchen. I saw two of my stepmother's friends and my stepmother's niece. "Niobe," they said, but I just walked by. I couldn't talk to them. I had to leave right away. I told my father I was going home and stepped out on the porch. A beautifully dressed woman was leaning against the railing. "Niobe," she said with a faint German accent, "Niobe, tell me what's wrong." Except she didn't call me Niobe. She called me by a nickname that noone ever uses and that I've always hated. "Niobe, I've know you since you were born." She came over and put both hands on my arms. "I'm fine," I said. "And please, please, don't touch me." Then I started crying.
On the way home, L asked me what was wong and I gave him some explanation. But, honestly, I can't explain what I felt. I can't begin to understand the feelings of panic and emptiness and anger and sadness that so overwhelmed me that all I could do was run away as fast as I possibly could.
Edited to add: I don't mean to imply that I don't like hugs from people I actually know and like. I had absolutely no idea who this woman was. I think -- but I'm not sure -- that she's the wife of one of my father's friends who lives in Europe. Before last night, I hadn't seen her for nearly 30 years
26 comments:
sorry. was it all those people artificially, hollowly laughing, the way people sometimes do at parties?
i can't stand that.
I think sometimes we just have to run away. Those that know and love us will accept this. Sometimes I can't bear to be touched when this sadness hits. Partly because I don't want to descend into the sobs that I know will result.
Whatever it was or is niobe, something at your father's place "triggered" something inside you. Something that made you to not be there. As you sit alone, you will figure it out and know we are here to listen. I promise not to touch.
I often have this kind of panic often when I'm depressed--as recently as three weeks ago, actually. It's as though my body is rejecting the social world as though it were an incompatible organ.
Non-touching, virtual hugs.
I have a similar reaction to some situations... and I never know how to explain it to my husband.
I think sometimes people are just too much... even when they love you and care about you.
I think Leroy is right, that you will need to figure this out for yourself. It does sound like something at your father's house triggered something...it could also have been (here comes my projection) the people there.
For me (for what it's worth) it would have been the gathering of people. It wasn't until a wedding that we attended 10 months after William was born/died that I finally forced myself to go to a social gathering. It was very difficult. Another, very intense, reminder that things aren't as they "should" be.
By the way, thanks for your nice comment on my blog this morning.
(((((hugs))))) if you want them, I completely understand if you don't.
Oops, that should read "you will need time to figure this out." I didn't mean to imply that weren't going to or trying to figure it out...or whatever.
Niobe, this post made me so sad - but don't feel bad about that, I woke up in that kind of mood.
As "well" as I seem to be doing, I have not yet been forced into a similarly large social situation. I think I would be a mess. So much family, laughter and I happiness - I would definitely need to be in a very exceptional mood to manage that.
I hope your dad could understand, or at least tried, why you needed to leave.
I'm glad you're at least able to tell people not to touch you. It's much better than allowing unwanted physical contact while feeling like you're about to throw up. Down with awkward hugs!
Oh gosh... only 6 months after the loss of my twins large gatherings were nothing short of torture for me. And yes, I was known to sneak off by myself and disappear for most of the event. I don't have a good explanation as to why, it was just too much. Too much talking about nothing. Too much noise. Too many expectations. Too much laughter...
Also, I actually don't like to be hugged when I am feeling upset by anyone other than my husband. So I can relate to your feelings.
There are definitely moments when I don't want to share with semi-strangers/strangers, and yet, I'm there, and it's hard to leave.
I used to have a plan for moments like that, a signal I'd give to my husband or friends to say...I'm done, enough. It helped.
I don't much listen to country music, but living where I do, I hear it, anyway. And to paraphrase a recently popular song, I'm not much fun since I quit drinking. Then again, I probably wasn't much fun when I was drinking, but I thought I was.
Sorry you had a lousy evening. I've hidden out at many a gathering. I'm sure your reasons are much better than mine.
I never go to large gatherings any more. A self-defence mechanism, I think.
Oh Niobe, I'm so sorry.
I've panicked and had to get out too. I have no exact explanation. I think my grief just sneaks up and catches me off guard in situations that I least expect it. Still.
I wish I knew you in real life so that I could be there for you at times like this (I'd listen & not touch :) Sending you a virtual hug my friend.
that kind of gathering can leave you so exposed...so much expectation - if not of gaiety, then of participation, at least, of sharing, bringing people up to speed. and if you are honest - that's almost impossible to reconcile with a "normal" pleasant social outing. if you aren't, and you fake it and put on a big smile, that's torture too.
i think being overwhelmed and wanting to hide is the most reasonable response possible.
Sometimes, crowds of people just aren't the best medicine.
I am glad you were able to find a place to be by yourself.
I am so sorry-- this sounds rough. I understand the drive to hide out. I don't do well with a lot of people I don't know well under best of circumstances, let alone now.
No bad thoughts, though. Maybe a nice hot bath?
I know that feeling only too well, not wanting to be touched, or even acknowledged....
Sometimes interacting with people is literally the hardest, hardest thing to do. I have had experiences similar to yours and they are horrible. It's a terrible feeling...I think of it as emotional claustrophobia.
I am sorry that things are still so hard for you.
And thanks for your kind comment on my blog. I appreciate it very much!
I know that feeling so well. the one that just overcomes you like that and there is no real "reason" for it. Hang in there.
I'm sorry, Niobe. Hope you feel better now. Unwanted affection is just awkward, be it from someone you don't know well, or someone you don't have a "suitable" relationship with (or maybe that's the same. But people sometimes have weird understandings of how well they know me and what we can talk about, I find).
I'm so sorry what you had to go through. I've had many moments like that as well. Sometimes the smallest thing can trigger our emotions and we just want to be left alone. Why I avoid so many social situations. Hang in there and hope you're feeling better.
I'm glad you were able to get away when you needed to. Sometimes everyone needs space.
I think you should congratulate yourself for paying attention to your feelings and your needs -- and getting away by yourself.
I did something similiar at my first birthday after M died. I couldn't deal, and went to my brother's room, where he has made a small alcove where his closet use to be. I sat there and sobbed, I could hear my family looking for me, calling me. I didn't answer, just waited for them to find me. When I came back, I told them, no candles, no singing tonight. Lets just eat.
I still have a hard time at "happy" gatherings. Don't feel bad, Niobe. Be proud of yourself that you listened to your needs instead of putting on the "i'm fine" act.
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