the limitations of memory
The other day when I was filling out a form for a study of neonatal loss, I came to a question that I couldn't answer. The question was simple enough: Date of baby's death. It's not that it's too painful to think about. It's that I just can't remember. I have a rough idea of when the second twin died and I'm sure that with a little effort, I could come within a week or so of the actual date. The second twin died about six weeks after the first, so counting backwards, I could approximate the day the first one died. And somewhere in the house, in a file of things I want to forget, is a birth certificate and a death certificate. I don't remember the date the embryos were transferred and, while I do remember the due date, it doesn't mean much to me, since it was clear from the beginning that, if I got that far, I'd be induced at somewhere around 38 weeks.
But I don't see this as a bad thing. I'm hoping that not having specific dates to focus on will make the anniversaries a little easier, will let me let go a little sooner. Denial, after all, is a coping strategy too.
Edited to add: This isn't exactly on point. Or, rather, it's making a different and very nearly opposite point. DD has put together a site commemorating all the important dates for those babies, as she puts it "who we never got to share with the world." Go ahead. Take a look. And, if you'd like, add your own dates to her calendar of memory and loss.
13 comments:
I think it's so useful to have a file of things to forget. As long as you don't lose it.
This is one reason why I started that other blog. I wanted to put those dates out there and then be able to walk away and stop feeling guilty for not remembering the dates every second of the day. Now I can look forward more, but when I want to remember, I can just go the site.
I wonder though if your body will remember even when your mind may not? I find I have a very physical reaction to important dates even when I have not consciously remembered why they are important. I will find myself feeling so completely "off" and when I stop to think about it, I will realize why.
I can't remember when we found out about the miscarriage. I do remember that the transfer was right after the 4th of July, so the miscarriage had to have been late July. But I have a necklace with two stones that I got around then - it's my little bittersweet memory of the baby that wasn't.
I remember my dates with Natan too well. I do hope that you won't be plagued by anniversaries.
I found out that I remember these anniversaries only too well.
May you find comfort you seek in not having these dates imprinted on your being.
I believe in body memories too, especially my unresolved ones. That said, denial can be a great coping mechanism when you need it.
My first birth with Kaz was so physically traumatic & scary that to this day, I have blocked the memory of the forceps they used, even though I saw everything in the mirror. It was only years later when I had safely delivered Mac without forceps, that I could even look at a picture of those things.
Eventually I pieced together the memories with my therapist, but it was only many many years after the fact.
We do what we are able to when we can and no more.
I also believe in body memories. And I have found that my subconscious mind will respond to certain triggers as well...sights, sounds, smells, places...and bring certain things all back to me without warning.
You have to get through this any way you can. For me, I am a sucker for dates, and cannot forget them. I wish I could.
Thanks for the link. I forgot the date of my first miscarriage once and was frantic until I could find it. That won't happen again.
I don't remember the dates either, although I could work them out I suppose if I needed to.
Thank you, Caro! I was really beginning to think that I was the only one. Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.
This made my heart hurt to read this.
When a friend once emailed to say she was thinking of me on April 1 (the due date of a miscarried child) I was completely confused. Then I remembered. Not sure if I would have remembered on that day or later on or at all.
Hang in there. . .
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