Sunday, October 21, 2007

tiny steps

I've know that I've said this far too many times, but I think that we may have been matched with a surrogate. I spoke to her yesterday, and she seemed cheerful and enthusiastic and, more importantly, like she'd given the surrogacy process a great deal of thought and spent time figuring out how it could be coordinated with her other responsibilities. She's already worked with our clinic as an egg donor, so it's pretty much certain that she'll sail though the screening process. Which, since I'm all about honesty and disclosure (except, well, when I'm not), leads me to the question posed in the poll below. Please vote and feel free to leave any further explanations or justifications in the comments.

53 comments:

slouching mom said...

First, that's good news! I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Second, my initial reaction to your poll was to check "never." I thought, Why is it any of her business? But as you'd be discussing the pregnancy in some detail (at least I think you would), I decided that maybe it's only fair to let her in on it -- after a positive pregnancy test.

passingwindows said...

That's so exciting. I hope it goes well, well done.

I voted 'never' for telling her about the blog. I am all for anonymous blogs but, if she does find out about your blog, she would probably be unimpressed that you didn't tell her. I'm putting my trust in you to show the way with surrogacy etiquette.

Lori said...

What an exciting development!

I voted for the match. My own way of dealing with things is to align as closely as possible, to "sister-ify" the relationship if the potential to do so is there.

I have two different relationships with each of my children's firstmoms. I so enjoy being close with the one, and I so lament being distant from the other.

I think knowing that your surrogate may be reading here will make you more respectful as you write about her. And I think respecting her is important as feelings for your baby develop.

I really needed to LIKE my children's firstmothers. (Which turned out to be quite easy).

Julia said...

I voted for the "match" because I surmise from the past that you do want to let your surrogate know about the blog, but I also think that there is no need to tell until you actually know that you are definitely going with her.

This is great news, though, especially given her previous experience with the clinic.

thailandchani said...

I voted "never"... primarily because it might inhibit you from expressing yourself freely, knowing she might be reading.


Peace,

~Chani

Missing said...

I voted for "never" just because I could see some potential confidentiality issues that may arise and heave forbid if something goes wrong, then things could be used in court in a very legal way.

meg said...

I voted for match too. Once it's all set up, I think she would like to read your thoughts and the thoughts of all of us around the world who care so much about you.

This is fantastic news. Fingers crossed, that everything goes through o.k.

DD said...

I'm sorry, but I went with Never. If I was in her shoes, I'd rather hear it straight from you any thoughts, concerns, etc. and not through your blog.

Beruriah said...

Honestly, I don't know. I voted never though, but could be convinced on match.

I have had mixed results regarding the openness of my blog, as you know. On the one hand, it has been wonderful that my friend Emily knows about it. Others, not so much. But I think Em would have been as great and supportive regardless.

But those are different circumstances. I just worry more about protecting yourself now.

After I voted, though, and read the comments, I felt compelled by Julia's and Lori's perspectives on the question.

Lori said...

Interesting perspectives and thoughts. Like others, I am going back and forth between "never" and "matched."

Maybe it could be as vague as, "Hey, I just want you to know that I write a blog and I will probably be mentioning the pregnancy there- but the blog is completely anonymous and I will never mention you by name." It could be that she will just shrug and say, "Okay, whatever." Maybe she won't even be that interested.

Furrow said...

I really, really hope this match works out for you. As for the blog, you'll figure that out along the way.

cinnamon gurl said...

First off, that's great and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. As for the poll, I can't decide. It seems to me that the rules or criteria for deciding whether to tell family or friends apply here. I haven't told certain family members and I make sure that if I write about them I stick to things that I wouldn't be horrified if they read. Anonymity is a bit of a myth in my opinion. Sorry I can't help.

Tash said...

Damn, AWESOME news. How lovely. Hopefully running through the screen (sounds like football) and getting things going, stat!

My answer isn't on your poll, which is essentially getting to know her a bit. You may find, positive test assumed (!), that she's just one of those people that doesn't give a hoot, so keep it to yourself, she'll never be the wiser or care. Or, after a postive, and maybe getting through the first tri, you may find she's just a lovely person and you don't mind letting your guard down a bit, and hey, would you like to read my blog? She might actually appreciate it, knowing what you went through to get here and how important she is now to the rest of your life.

So I guess I'm voting, wait and see. Can't really put a date on it. (Did I tell you I'm excited?)

Amelie said...

Fingers crossed for you, Niobe.
The question is a hard one for me -- I already feel bad writing about details of others' lives on my blog (well, sometimes) and you will probably (hopefully!) be writing about the rather intimate event of a pregnancy. So I would tell, when you're matched, since before there does not seem to be much of a point to mention it.

thirtysomething said...

I voted upon the match. Because, hey it just might be a positive experience this time! The other times, it wasn't your fault anyway so your thoughts and feelings could certainly be expressed (hopefully) without anyone taking offense.
Good good news Niobe. I am holding my breath with this one, but it sounds like a sure thing.

Kyla said...

That is great news! I'm new here, so I don't know if I should have voted, but I did. I voted for "never", you should be able to retain this space for yourself during this time. If you are comfortable with knowing she is reading, then I would tell her as soon as you felt ready.

Eva said...

That's great news!

I very strongly vote for "never." Her knowing about it would change your ability to write what you need, what you want. Which is, of course, the whole point of keeping a blog.

I know you can hear me... said...

Oh I hope that things work out in the best way for you! Like everyone else, my fingers are crossed that it turns out well.

I voted for after the match, but now that I am giving it some thought, I guess that the positive pregnancy test would come after that. I guess that I wouldn't tell her before you were matched, but I don't think that you would have to tell her afterwards if you didn't want to.

Wabi said...

Niobe, have you already seen the contract that a surrogate would theoretically sign with you once you get matched? I would look at the boilerplate language on her privacy rights and make sure that it fits whatever you envision doing, in terms of blogging. Make the necessary changes in the contract before anyone signs, or make sure your blogging practices regarding her conform to the standard contract rules.

I do think that it's best to tell in advance -- either at match, or at the positive pregnancy test, which is when your lives really get fully entwined. It sucks to have to trouble shoot such things in advance, but I think not telling could get you into trouble later on, if she discovered the site and didn't like some of what you wrote.

Aurelia said...

I voted never simply because you may have feelings that you want to express to us that may or may not be okay with her.

But all feelings are valid, even if they aren't what people want to hear. And if you do tell her about this blog, at minimum set up a google email group so you can tell us private things and get some feedback.

LAS said...

I voted for never and I agree with Wabi about the privacy issues because I deal with this all the time in other contexts. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers!

Artblog said...

I didn't even check anyone else's answers before quickly clicking on NEVER!

Having then read everyone's reasons, they have answered why, for me :)

Pamela Jeanne said...

Delighted to hear that you're on the path to a match! I voted "after the positive pregnancy test" but then realized I should have read a greater representation of posts prior to September (which is when I discovered your blog). I've sampled some earlier posts but I don't know the extent of your writing. I'm assuming you don't write about (or have) any criminal prosecutions in your past!? More seriously, you are clearly a very passionate and honest person and I don't know you could keep this blog off limits.

Jitters said...

OK - it is a toss up between never and at match. Yes, that does not help much but I can rationalize both options.

The better questions are:

1. What is your desire for her to know of your blog?
2. How do you want to use your blog?

Before I could adequately submit an entirely accurate vote I would need answers to both. In the mean time I voted for never, because regret is a bitch.

Jitters said...

Pardon my manners, congratulations on the possible match. I hope it progresses smoothly.

Man, I can be an ass at times. If you were here I'd allow you to smack me.

wannabe mom said...

i voted for never, only b/c of privacy/legal issues if any.

i don't know what a surrogate/receiver relationship entails (and clearly don't know the lingo either!), so perhaps if you feel like you could trust her down the road (and v-v), you may want to share it.

Manda said...

I voted never because of the fact that you will most likely be posting details about the pregnancy and about her, and you need this space to feel completely safe posting your honest thoughts without censoring yourself.

Knowing she would be reading would make me watch what I say, same goes for you I imagine.

Also, (no offence meant, just being honest here) if I were her, and read some of your posts that highlight the fact that you are prone to visiting dark places emotionally at times, I would feel a lot of pressure being the person responsible for carrying your child safely into the world, like your mental health rested to firmly on my shoulders.

I think you are an amazing woman and will make a sensational mother, but having read here what I have, I wouldnt want to be your surrogate. Sorry :(

Its best to keep your private thoughts private (or at least anonymous!)

Magpie said...

I hope it works.

I don't have a suggestion on the tell her or not...I could be convinced of any point of the spectrum. In some ways though, Tash's wait and see sounds good.

akeeyu said...

I vote for never.

I think you're classy enough that it wouldn't matter whether she was reading or not--you'd still post in a way that was respectful of her privacy and feelings.

Besides, if you kept an offline journal, it's not like you'd invite a potential surrogate to read THAT.

Anonymous said...

I think you should do whatever your instincts tell you to do - once you are matched and have a pregnancy to share. I am superstitious, and a little paranoid at times, and so would probably worry about doing anything to spoil my chances of something this important working out. I read what everyone else said about trust and respect and I think that is great - but if it were me, I would protect myself first and offer that level of trust and respect once I was more confident. And she had earned it. It would be wonderful if you could be sister-ish and share a bond as deep and intimate as her carrying your child deserves. But ultimately, you just want your baby - healthy and in your arms. You will discuss her with people in your life and I am quite sure she assumes that you will do so. I don't see your blog as any different. If anything, she is more protectd on your blog than in your day to day life.

Monica said...

I'm so happy at this news. Fingers crossed for you. I voted "never" because I think you would be severely inhibited in what you could blog about. And also, you never know what you may blog about that might offend her sensibilities. Some people get offended or put off by strange things. I think though, that you are pretty together and you will make the right decision based on your hunch.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Keeping everything crossed for you that this is the one. I don't know if I would share it personally because I know that my blog is a place for me to vent. And if you decide you want to vent about her and the process, it might skew how you're writing. But you have to do what you feel most comfortable with.

ALM said...

I said after the first ultra sound... but with many conflicting thoughts... Is this process going to be open? Is she going to still be attached to/with you after the baby is born? If so - then yes, I think it would be good for her to have more insight into you, your family, etc, etc... But if she will just be the "surrogate" and then that's it... well... why complicate stuff?

But I think ultimately there's no wrong or right answer. This blog is here. She could find it if she really really wanted.... Go with your gut.

Elizabeth said...

Hurray for good news!

I voted "after match" and then after reading the comments, would possibly change it to "never," for the reasons involving confidentiality and privacy agreements and potential legal repercussions.

But I think Jitters asks some good questions too.

niobe said...

Jitters: I doubt that I'd say anything different on my blog whether I told her about it or not. My main fear is that if I don't mention it and she finds the blog, she'll feel that I've somehow betrayed her confidence, or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Really, it is your business and not hers. And if she happens upon it, then well, she does. Why are you so anxious to make this woman "like" you?
You sound like you need a little bit of self confidence. Just because she doesn't like you, or likes you, will not change whether or not you get a baby in the end. you realize this, right?

Adrienne said...

Congrats, Niobe. I hope this is finally the "one."

M said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
M said...

*fingers crossed*

I voted for never, mainly as I think you need a safe place where you can express feelings/thoughts that you may not be comfortable sharing with her.

Bon said...

Niobe, i am so hopeful.

and my instinct is never, but perhaps an offhand mention at the start...

Zee said...

I voted for "match," but after reading others' comments, I'm wondering if it might not be a better idea to keep it private. What does your gut tell you?

In any case, I'm hoping this works out for you--in every way possible. After so many disappointments, it would be great to have something go well.

Caro said...

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Aurelia said...

I'm coming back to say what if you told her, after the match, but only that you have one, it's pseudononymous, and you view it as a private matter, sort of a support group.

That way she knows it exists, but may not bother looking for it? and hopefully, you will feel more relaxed about it?

missedconceptions said...

I too vote for "NEVER." Everyone has covered the whys, but I agree that this is your (singular) blog not your (plural -- you + surrogate) blog.

Ms. Planner said...

I hope this is the one. I really, really hope this for you. And I voted for never because I have two people I know IRL who read my blog and I do sometimes find myself self-editing because of it. I sometimes wish I had not told anyone, but I was having a fleeting moment of "open-ness." Whatever.

Cate said...

Why do you think she would want to read your blog in the first place? I know that sounds snarky, but the question is not meant that way. Would you be offended if you told her about it and she DIDN'T want to read it? Maybe she doesn't want to know you like that. I personally would find it hard to read the very personal and very open blog of someone who I didn't know well but was doing a very special and very private thing for. I guess if I were in your shoes I would give her every opportunity to maintain some sense of detachment from you if that is what she wanted.
I voted for never.

niobe said...

Cate: I would be quite happy if she has no interest in it. In fact, I don't really want her to read the blog. It's more I want to avoid a "but how could you not have told me?" episode in the future, with her feeling that I'd somehow unfairly exposed details of the pregnancy.

On the other hand, as someone pointed out, I'm not going to be sworn to secrecy -- in fact, she'll probably assume that I'm sharing information with my family and friends.

Jenny F. Scientist said...

I vote for never. It's like a diary. Except for the whole internet.

Christine said...

this is so hard. i guess i'd say just tell her soon and get it out of the way. i too would fear that whole "how could you hid this" scenario.

megan said...

fingers crossed that this works out. it sounds very promising. i vote no on revealing the blog... it might only serve to make the both of you paranoid...

MissedConceptions said...

Niobe,

Perhaps it is *her* pregnancy in a way (biologically, of course), but as a surrogate it is really *your* (as in you and L.) pregnancy, because you are paying her to act as the metaphorical vessel. She will not have any right to the child in the end, and she doesn't really have any grounds for personal ownership of the pregnancy, right?

MissedConceptions said...

Sorry -- hit "publish" too quickly.

I also meant to say this is all terribly exciting, though! (smothering impulse to giggle with anticipatory joy; impulse to giggle has now passed.)

My Reality said...

Fingers crossed for you, Niobe.