cranky
There are lots of things I know I'm supposed to find charming, but, in fact, I hate with a burning passion, which, if properly harnessed, would obviate the need for a fairly large percentage of the nation's crude oil imports. And, at this very moment, first and foremost among them is the acronym, invented and popularized by the sainted Getupgrrl, NBHHY (Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet).
Now, you personally may like, find comfort in, and frequently employ both the acronym and the concept. And that's perfectly okay. Different strokes and de gustibus. You say tomato and I say Solanum lycopersicum.
But here's why you'll never find me using NBHHY. First, aside from any other considerations, it's just not true. Bad things have happened. Very bad things. Repeatedly. Spectacularly. And even if the bad thing doesn't end up happening, because of the way that life tends to work, the odds are pretty excellent that bad things, in one form or another, will be happening again. But, more importantly, the reason I dislike NBHHY is the ultimate hollowness of the reassurance it offers. Because, let's face it, you can chant the mantra "nothing bad has happened yet" over and over again, hugging it to your chest like a fuzzy blanket. Right up until the moment that something bad . . . happens.
What's your view on NBHHY? Pro, anti, or profoundly indifferent?
46 comments:
Generally, I quite agree with your analysis of NBHHY. Bad things have happened, and that's just how I roll.
Honestly, it makes me feel robbed - both of the truth that plenty of bad has happened to me (and everyone, really) and robbed of any potential I may have to enjoy the relative peace, calm or joy of the moment. I know it may not last, but I'd still prefer to think about or describe that time in reference to what is happening at the moment. If I find myself in desperate need to hold the darkness at bay, I find greater comfort in poetry, prayer, and friends than NBHHY.
I must live on my own planet, or under a rock, since this is the first I have heard of that acronym. But I find it untrue and annoying.
If I have used it (and I really can't remember exactly for sure) it has been more as a performance for others than a security blanket for myself. Usually I don't like to let on how I really feel - the doom, the gloom, or perhaps just the realism - because then OTHER people trot out the platitudes. So it's preemptive reassurance, trying to communicate to others that they don't have to worry about me because I'm keeping a positive attitude.
My therapist is the ONLY person who has ever told me that "the power of positive thinking" is actually bullshit, escapist, and not necessarily helpful for maintaining mental health. Bad things, even unthinkingly bad things, can and do happen, and the present absence of bad things is not proof that they will not occur.
i had no idea what it stood for until you just explained it to me -- even though i've been seeing it here and there.
but i'm slow. i only just realized what milf means.
Maggie, Slouching Mom: I think NBHHY is a deadbabyland thing, so no need to feel bad if you (a) hadn't seen it before; (b) didn't know what it meant.
LOATHE it, and I do not use caps lightly. I like to believe even getupgrrl might be chagrined by its proliferation. I understand and appreciate the spirit in which it is generally offered, but pat phrases don't offer much comfort, especially when plenty of us have perfectly sane, dauntingly concrete reasons to fear the worst.
I am a pessimist. I am always waiting for bad things to happen. The NBHHY idea somehow grounds me in the moment. It makes me realise that the fact that bad things have happened in the past is not necessarily an indiction that they will happen again.
I see it more as daring to hope, rather than clinging to false promise.
I can see why it would irritate others though.
I only started seeing it when I arrived in dead baby land, and my first thought was, "Aren't we all here because something so bad happened that there was no other place left for us in the real world?"
I live more in the world of bad shit happens all the time, I just don't want it to happen again.
I think (am fairly confident) getupgrrl started it with a bit (lot?) of snark intended, but like julie said, it has taken off with a mind of it's own. Lately, I rather take it as being able to live AND ENJOY the present moment, which is lovely if you can, but I certainly can't and doubt I will ever be able to on a reproductive level ever again. I suppose I lean anti, although reserve some envy for those who can proclaim it for it's newfound cheery significance.
I am ambivalent. Sometimes I think it is good to try and just be in the moment and not focus on the shit that happened before. In those moments I see NBHHY as a positive shorthand for saying we are with you and rooting for you. Other times I think look here it has happened before so it may very well happen again and who are you coming here with your NBHHY with its possible implication of "get over the shit stuff woman you are boring us". In those moods I'm am virulently anti.
Wow, I didn't realize there was so much loathing for this phrase. When I see someone use the phrase or use it myself I don't see it as an all encompassing statement that bad things have never or will never happen. Maybe it's because I "hear" the statement as nothing bad has happened, yet, as in I have had crap happen to me, I don't discount the fact that something bad can still happen to me, but right now as of this moment there is no crap.
I am not a huge fan of acronyms in general. While I appreciate the sentiment or NBHHY, it is too optimistic for my twisted veiw on reality.
I totally agree with you.
I'd forgotten about that acronym but saw it in the title of another blog today.
I guess I see read it as used by people who know that bad things have happened, and who may well expect bad things to happen, and it applies situationally, like nothing bad has happened yet in the development of this particular task/event.
That said, I'm not a big acronym person.
But even more annoying to me is the refrain "everything happens for a reason."
i happen to like NBHHY simply because it can help one to live in the present moment, which can be good if one finds themselves pregnant after loss. or whatever.
otherwise, this post has inspired me to write on the concept of hope, which people seem to love yet makes me angry as f*ck.
Wow... I didn't realize how many people I have apparently been annoying lately. I use it (in relation to my own ongoing pg only) because to me it is freeing. Saying that things are good is too much pressure for me, even "good for the moment" because if the next moment they become bad, than were they really good just now?
Yes, bad shit happened to us, and having learned how close one can come and then walk away with nothing, I am really uncomfortable with expressing any level of accomplishment or celebration for anything less than a living baby going home. So before that happens (if that happens), every step is only one more hurdle that I get to pass, and only one more moment in which nothing bad has yet happened. With this one thing.
In my mind, this is as far as I am willing to go. I am not up to "thinking positively," and I actually am dreading certain people finding out, if it ever progresses that far, because I am sure it will come with "see, now everything is sunshine, puppies, and roses" shtick. No, it's not. And it never will be. One day I might get lucky enough to take a living baby home. And that would be good. Until then, with respect to a current ongoing pg, nothing bad has happened yet. Unless and until it does, of course.
I guess the summary is, it lets me go one step at a time without feeling like I am supposed to believe in the ultimate good outcome of this pg, which I am certainly nowhere near ready to do.
All of this said, since I now know how many people whom I like and who read my blog dislike this saying with a passion, I am going to have to think about abandoning it...
I think all these things are very individual and are all about the moment you find yourself in.
Really, I could just say that in my entire life every bad thing that could happen, has always happened to me. Friends who have known me for years have wondered how it is possible that one human being could have this much bad luck. Literally the only good things that have ever happened to me are my two living kids and my husband, and this pregnancy if it works.
Not one other good thing.
But if I focused on that terrible fact, I'd never get out of bed. I'd most likely kill myself. Which is why I try to stick to the one day at a time theme. And I need something like that to help me stay calm and not let my anxieties overwhelm me.
I think of NBHHY in the same way, as a temporary salve meant for this moment, this cycle, this instant. A way of saying, "Stop catastrophizing! The fact that you had a cramp in your toe does NOT mean that this cycle is doomed. Now go watch TV and stop thinking about your uterus!"
So, if you don't like NBHHY, no problem with me, but is there a saying or something you would prefer to hear from us during this upcoming attempts with the surrogate? Should we just wing it?
Cause we do want to be supportive. We really do want to be your fuzzy blanket.
Indifferent.
I did use it a few times, but then stopped. It felt kind of silly. Like you said bad things have happened. And if I wanted to, I could say they keep happening.
But instead see I have this ability to start over. So the "yet" begins at whatever moment I choose. That's how I survive.
I too have never heard of this, and plenty of bad shit has in fact happened, so "I feel you" - another loathable expression.
I'm divided on it. I agree with PP that it helps one to live in the moment because that is really all we can control, and actually we can't even control that really... but you know what I mean. If shit is going to happen, we can't stop it and sometimes meditating on that helps let go of some fear. Also, since I really did not believe that I was going to leave with a live baby I hated people using the "C" word and even more when people would say, "I can't wait to meet the little one". I felt like I could not possibly live up to their expectations of bringing home a live baby and I did not like the pressure.
On the other hand, I didn't want people confirming that something bad could happen, and NBHHY sorta implies that something bad will happen ( I believe the "yet" sorta implies that). I think the best response is a muted optimism and support with what happens, good or bad.
Hadn't heard of this before.
It's converse (inverse?) isn't true: NGHHY. So probably NBHHY is also not true.
Good and bad are all relative anyway, in the eye of the beholder.
I found this (http://www.tpmcafe.com/story/2005/8/2/203931/0517) to illustrate.
"I'm reminded of the famous Buddhist story about an aging farmer in China, who one morning discovers that wild horses have crashed through the fences that surround his farm.
"Oh, this is terrible," say the neighbors, looking at the wreckage.
The farmer shrugs. "Good news? Bad news? Who knows?"
Then the farmer's son is able to catch a few of the horses. "This is fantastic!" say the neighbors, watching the great horses in the corral.
The farmer shrugs: "Good news? Bad news? Who knows."
While trying to taming the last of the wild horses, the farmer's son is thrown, and breaks his leg.
"Oh, this is awful," say the neighbors, knowing how greatly the aging farmer relies on his son.
"Good news? Bad news? Who knows," says the farmer.
And then, while the son is convalescing in bed with his badly broken leg, the Chinese army comes through the countryside, conscripting all the local able-bodied men."
I saw that acronym first here in the blogoverse. I remember thinking to myself: the key word is yet-just wait a while and the bad will surely happen. Reproductively speaking, I would use "I'm still pregnant" as the equivalent- just to prepare myself for the inevitable letdown. Sorta like the saying "it is what it is" Whatever helps somebody cope though, is cool with me.
eh, I am indifferent I guess. I totally understand the sentiment behind it. And I kind of used my own version in A's pregnancy. I just told myself that every day I was pregnant was a day to be grateful for. My own mantra is similar in that it is optimistic but in a naive sort of way. Honestly, I think burying our heads in the sand is the only way some of us who have experienced loss can get through subsequent pregnancy. I don't see NBHHY as a refusal to acknowledge the past. More like an attempt to whistle in the dark.
this is the first I have seen the acronym, and i'm not too fond of it, either.
I'm sort of indifferent to it, but I can see how it might be really annoying. I've never seen it to be a general statement, as in "nothing bad has ever happened to you up to this point." Because, clearly, the reason why most of us are here is that something bad HAS happened. (Or that something good is NOT happening, which can also count as bad.) I take it in a more particular sense, as a few others above have noted: "At this point in the pregnancy there are no clear signs of catastrophe. The ever-looming catastrophe may strike tomorrow, but right at this precise moment there is no physical reason to fret, so try to chill out."
This is the first I have heard of it, which probably reveals my location under a rock.
I'm not big on abbreviations, but they don't much bother me, until they take over. This particular one seems harmless enough...it's an acknowledgement that the past was bad, and so far the same thing isn't repeating itself.
I'd never heard of it... and hearing it now, well, I don't like it. It portrays a mentality that doesn't particularly resonate with me.
I guess the yet implies that there is an expectation that something bad will happen, no? I don't mind the acronym, although I don't use it. Whatever gets you through, really.
I agree with a. My tendency would be to say, "I am still pregnant" or even, "He/she hasn't died yet". I actually did say that...and then he did die in the end. Sigh.
Maybe I wouldn't dislike it as much if it didn't end with the Y: an indication that it's just a matter of time as C. also mentions.
However, I despise LOL even more.
Don't like it. Makes me think that something bad happening is inevitable. It hasn't happened YET but it is going to happen. I suppose that's the pessimist in me.
I don't like the phrase, but I understand the spirit in which it is used. The reasons for my dislike of it are purely irrational: the mention of unspecified bad things makes me uncomfortable. Obsessing about every specific possibility of bad things, guessing how likely they are, looking for signs pointing to them, realizing particular bad scenarios haven't been ruled out - all of that comes naturally to me. Still, if for a moment bad things left one alone, why remind them of one's existence?
Bad things have happened in the past, I don't see why stating nothing bad has happened AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE IN TIME in regards to THIS SPECIFIC INSTANCE might help, but if it does, it does.
I do wonder whatever happened to Getupgrrl.
I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm with you. Bad stuff has happened. Both in the past and with this pregnancy. Good things, too, of course.. but yeah.
I'm trying to stick with "Today I'm pregnant and happy." More of a one-day-at-a-time 12 step concept. Which is sort of how I feel about hope.
I only had limited exposure to the phrase, and I was trying to decide how I felt about it. So I waited to comment.
Then in a few hours something very bad happened (to a dear friend). Very bad.
So I'm not so sure I like it.
Addendum:
My husband's version is to tack "so far" on to the end of any affirmative.
Me: "I love being married to you."
He: "So far!"
Me: "This vacation was a great idea!"
He: "So far!"
Me: "I'm glad we came to this party."
He: "So far"
Etc.
Sometimes I find it amusing, sometimes annoying, but not as annoying as the abbreviation "DH."
I used to like the acronym but as you say, it offers no comfort. Nothiing bad has happened yet does not mean nothing bad will happen and when something bad happens, what then? Something bad has happened and ....? Nothing else bad will happen? Well, unfortunately we know that is not true.
I think its basic meaning is "so far, so good," expressed with a bit more fear, about one particular pregnancy. Of course bad things will happen in the overall sense that life contains a lot of bad things, but to me NBHHY means simply that so far, this pregnancy is progressing, and I am allowing myself a guarded bit of hope that it will end in a live baby. I don't read any reassurance from the phrase at all, just that thus far, things seem to be OK.
Shelley
I've never heard that phrase (acronym) before. Perhaps people in the Midwest have more empathy than to say that to someone else.
I'm indifferent.
However, it was refreshing to read another side of you that I haven't heard before.
Thanks!
Just because something bad CAN happen, does not mean that something bad WILL happen, and also does not mean that something WILL NOT happen.
I do, I guess find the NBHHY a little odd
it doesn't offer me much comfort, personally...but in deadbabyland, i think it serves as a discursive tool of sorts, not so much to provide real reassurance as to allow someone to discuss apparent good news or hopes fulfilled without sounding as though they actually believe that this bit of goodness guarantees them any ultimate happy outcome. it is a way of saying "this is great but i'm still scared as shit", i think.
and for that, i think it works. i'm not a big acronym fan in the first place, but this one, to me, evokes pity rather than annoyance, because i think of it as coming from a place of having been burnt.
Indifferent. It does remind me of something my mom used to say, "don't paint the devil to the wall" (mal den Teufel nicht an die Wand) -- don't mention the possible bad things, as if that would prevent them from happening.
not my acronym of choice.
try...je ne sais pas pourquois mon chien est mort...instead.
Doesn't do it for me.
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