premonition
In general, my instincts aren't very sound and, for good reason, I don't trust my intuitions. Still, the night before my 18-week ultrasound, even though there was no reason to think anything was wrong, I sat up in bed and said "I have preeeclampsia and I'm going to die."
Something very much like that happened last night as my thoughts stumbled towards sleep. "This isn't going to end well," I said to myself. And each word had the crystalline ring of absolute certainty.
edited to add: Thank you all very much for your thoughts. And, though it may not be evident from the original post, I do realize that, not only is my track record for making predictions seriously flawed, in my current frame of mind, if a voice from on high promised me a bright future, I probably wouldn't be able to hear it.
46 comments:
All I can say is I hope you're wrong. And your last premonition was only half-right, right?
I desperately hope you are wrong - and I'll be praying for you. I know what you mean about instincts though - I trust mine. They are right - almost without fail. And it scares me.
Losing one's ability to trust oneself is devastating. I know.
Having that ability sucks, too.
So sorry you had that feeling last night. I hope things become clear in the best possible way. If that makes any sense.
My fingers are crossed that this is the one time that you don't turn out to be right.
But as someone who has instincts and dreams that are more accurate that a military missle, I know that it's hard to be optimistic when things feel the opposite.
But my fingers are crossed anyway...just in case...
Your premonitions are a way of protecting yourself. If you think the worst then there is no crushing disappointment if it does happen. And no egg on your face for being hopeful.
I concur with everyone else ... I hope that you are wrong. I understand these feelings can be so very powerful, but I sincerely hope that they are simply your worst fears, not reality.
Thinking of you.
My instincts are usually right. But I don't know whether I want to hear or trust them now. I feel like I must be biased towards the bad side of things these days, and am much more likely to listen to that. So even though that is what I am feeling the last few days, I am reserving judgement, or at least trying to.
It's hard to see anything other than the spectacular crash and burn of last time. But I hope you can find a way to reserve judgement for now.
sometimes i think i trust only my negative intuitions...even though they're no more accurate, usually, than my positive, cheery ones. but that crystalline ring of absolute certainty helps me feel almost like i control what i, of course, do not...helps me feel like i can see through time and begin to absorb the sorrow that has not yet even come to pass.
i hope your intuition is equally an attempt at self-protection, and thus equally useless at actually predicting anything.
so sorry you stumbled across that thread of thought, though.
I hope, really, really, really hope, you are wrong this time.
intution is often right on...but our minds know that we know that and like to fvck with us.
of course, i hope your gut feeling is wrong.
those thoughts are the WORST. I hope that not an ounce of your psychic ability proves true.
sending lots of love.
xoxo
Sigh. You didn't die, so you weren't completely right the first time. Here's hoping this particular premonition is completely wrong.
oh Niobe, I'm sorry. This must be terrible especially after you were halfway right last time. I so hope you will be completely wrong on this one.
do we maybe just remember the ones where we got it right because it's so rare, and in fact we're wrong so much more of the time? obviously yours is memorable for other reasons, but i'm just saying how often are you actually wrong?
and furthermore, this isn't a premonition, it's self preservation. history has taught you, unfortunately, to defend against hoping for anything more. it is good that history has a strong voice sometimes, but it can't see the future.
I so like what everyone has written, especially Sarah -- it's preservation, and bon, that we often only listen to the bad ones (or at least, sit around and mull and fear them) -- not the good premonitions.
I guess I sometimes wonder though what exactly my bad premonition has to do with -- is it necessarily the BIG THING on my mind and in my life at the moment, or is my mind desperately trying to steer me elsewhere and warn me of something that I don't see at all?
Thinking of you.
I think when you've been to hell and feel as though you knew you were going ahead of time, it's hard not to believe you won't be summoned back.
I agree with the theory of your brain trying to protect you ahead of time from your worst fears, mine seems to live in the world of "this isn't going to end well". I guess all we can do is muscle through and try to prove the little F*er wrong.
Sometimes it's really good to be wrong. I hope you are and that we all get to call you on it when it happens.:)
Let's hope you are wrong again.
I'm so sorry you are so worried.
The old me would have been the first one to say 'everything is fine' but now I will say I hope you're wrong and you're in my thoughts and prayers
Cate and Lori said it perfectly, IMO.
To you? I hope this is a case of wrong, but oh the feeling of thinking it.
(you)
I concur with your other readers. I'm wishing you peace.
I hope very much that you are wrong...
I just plain don't believe in premonitions. I think we tend to believe them because we remember the few times we're right not the many times they're wrong.
I think a hundred times a day that this baby is doomed - but then I think that it's lucky that pessimism doesn't really make bad things happen. Neither does hope. And I'm so hopeful for you.
I hope that the first was a coincidence the second just fear.
I don't believe in premonitions either.
"each word had the crystalline ring of absolute certainty"
I cannot get the weight of that line off my chest. It's constricting my breath and ringing in my ears like a bell. How haunting that premonition must feel, but this tale's end is not prewritten. Let it surprise you.
Also hoping you're wrong.
i sure hope your intuition sucks on this one, and right now I'm glad it has a history of doing so
I know precisely what you mean. And I hope like hell that you're wrong.
As others have said, I certainly hope you are wrong.
My premonitions are always 100% wrong. The safest way to know someone is OK is for me to be worried about him or her. Let's hope you are like me.
Oh, Niobe, I can't imagine being where you are right now. May I just say something I have learned is that sometimes, just sometimes, our intuition gets scared too and it does it's best to freak us out. Maybe kind of like a defense mechanism?
The mind can be so very tricky.
I can only hope for you and keep my fingers crossed, but I truly believe that this will have a happy ending. You will be in my thoughts.
Joing the club that wants you to be grossly wrong.
Everyone else has said what I want to say, but I just have to repeat it. You were only half right last time, and even then, what does "end well" mean?
Isn't that the question? Not ending well could mean anything - even having a living child who has colic and drives you crazy.
As for your posts, I know you are entering a stressful time, and it's winter, which is always a downer for me. Have you thought about changing your method of coping for the next little while? Like with a therapist? Or medication? Or a light box?
I so hope you are wrong.
Hoping you are wrong too and also concurring with those who dont believe in premonitions.
Like the others, hoping you are wrong. With the one I lost I had a "feeling" about it. I also had a "feeling" about losing the second one,but he came home with me. You know logically it has no effect. But sometimes logic doesn't live in deadbabyland. I'm thinking about you.
ah, our crazy thoughts. try not to be alone with them, especially the wrong ones.
or should it be especially the right ones? i guess one can never really tell. i guess 'take it as it comes' is more like it.
in the end, our absolute certainty can ring crystalline, but it sometimes comes to mean nothing except stress. bleh.
Nope your wrong. HUGS! I am hoping for GOOD THINGS coming your way. Peace peace peace please flood my friend!
Niobe, know that you are in my thoughts daily. For what it's worth, I agree with Aurelia- your premonition is vague and relative.
Peace and blessings to you.
xoxo
Well, I certainly hope you are wrong!
I like Sarah's distinction between premonition and self-preservation.
I keep writing stuff and deleting it, because the above is really all I wanted to say... other than I'm here with you.
Well, you can't know in what way you're half right until you get there, yeah? So might as well go ahead with it.
The really, really hard thing to do in a situation like this is to know whether that premonition is true intuition or fear masquerading as intuition. Here's hoping it's the latter. Take good care...
Was thinking about you last night when I couldn't sleep - and it occurred to me that there is a significant difference between the two premonitions, in terms of kinds of knowing - the first had to do with knowledge about what was going on *in your body* - the second, not.
I wish I could give you comfort here, but I'm much the same as you. I *know* it's irrational, but I can't help but kick into some kind of self-preservation mode. Expect the worst and hope the best is the best I can hope for...
x
I'm way behind on my blog reading, but wanted to add a belated bit of support. We are too often our worst enemies when it comes to wondering what comes next. Wishing you more than anything peaceful thoughts.
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