Friday, February 22, 2008

willful blindness

These days, my strategy for dampening my dread is simple: denial, avoidance, eyes shut tight, fingers in my ears. I've asked the clinic not to tell me what's going on, so I'm not sure where we are in the process or what the schedule is supposed to be. Except for you, dear reader, I haven't told anyone about our plans.

I'm hoping, even if "things" seem like they might just possibly "work out," I'll be able to keep it secret from the non-blogreading world until we reach a conclusion. One way or the other. Because, though I can't control the outcome, I can control my own actions. It might not have a happy ending. But whatever happens, I won't be fooled again.

Since a few of you have asked, my best guess is that there will be a FET (note the passive, distancing construction) in the next three or four weeks. And that's pretty much all I know.

25 comments:

Karen said...

you'll know when you need to - when you can - I'm hoping for you, pretty hard.

christina(apronstrings) said...

ohdear, i could never. though, we are much different people. i.e. you have self-control.
well, as i hope you know, i am hoping, hoping, hoping for you.
xoxoxo

DD said...

I couldn't stand the pitying looks and stupid questions anymore so we didn't tell anyone, either. I really understand where you are coming from.

Would you mind if I asked some questions, though? How many embryos do you still have frozen? If you don't answer, then I'll know you mind.

niobe said...

dd: I'm so in denial that I can't remember the exact number. But there should be enough to try at least two FETs.

Maggie said...

It's hard to say what I would do, because I'm not in the situation, but I don't think I would want to tell anyone either. Then they just get surprised with the good news. Or they just go on not knowing and without needing an explination.

But I'll keep my fingers crossed. You know, just in case...

Lori said...

Ignorance really can be bliss.

Hoping on your behalf.

Magpie said...

There is the question of how you define "conclusion". Because, really, the terror never ends. Little kids get sick, teenagers learn to drive, college students drink too much, 25 year olds are feckless.

But I digress.

We all can think happy and positive thoughts on your behalf, now and four weeks from now and nine months from then and so on.

All best.

Elizabeth said...

so much at stake. Hard to allow the vulnerability that hope entails.

niobe said...

Magpie: You're absolutely right -- bad things can and do happen at any time. Still, once the kid is born healthy, the odds of bad things not happening improve dramatically.

Amelie said...

Fingers crossed.

Becky said...

You and I handle stressful situations very similarly. Don't ask, don't tell.

Willful blindness. I like that term.

Awake said...

You also know, we're all thinking of you and your family . . . with great hope and respect.

Aurelia said...

Okay, now that we know you have a few frozen embryos left, are you going to transfer one at a time, and therefore lower your chance of twins? Or do you want to have twins again, and so you are transferring more? SET lowers your chances of quick success and there might be a few more bfns, but is it better or worse to have a singleton?

Plus, well not to intrude, but I thought you had to be there to sign papers the day of the transfer? So there was a tentative transfer date set for mid-March as I recall? And unfortunately, you will have to know what's going on.

Like DD says, if you don't want to answer that's okay, but this is something to think about.

My Reality said...

You can remain however best gets you through this. I will remain hopeful for no more heartbreak.

Christine said...

maybe not knowing is best for now. i can totally understand that.

Tash said...

Not knowing what? Huh? What's going on? Someone tell a joke.

/crossing fingers, hard.

Amy said...

You have an incredible amount of self control! I could never NOT know. Hoping that it all goes your way and soon!

Julia said...

Like many here, I am a control freak, so I would totally be all over the minutia. It seems to me, though, that De Nile is an excellent river for that lovely boat cruise for you. One that would hopefully take around 9-10 months and end with screams of joy.

niobe said...

Aurelia: The number transferrred depends on how many survive the thaw. They're stored in sleeves of two. If two survive, we'll transfer two. If one survives, we'll transfer one. If none survive, we'll unfreeze another sleeve.

The clinic told me that it's fine for me to sign the papers ahead of time, so I wouldn't need to be physically present on the date of the transfer. I suppose Kyrie might want me there, but that's the only reason I'd have to show up.

girlh said...

after what you've been through willful blindness is understandable. and you truly won't believe anything until you are holding a babe in your arms.

after i lost my babies we did an fet and two more ivfs, the bfp was surreal. i instantly wished we had not told one person we were doing another cycle. i didn't want ANYone to know ANYthing. a cerclage at 14 weeks and 16 weeks of bed rest later she arrived (4 weeks early) happy and healthy. but oh how i wished for a magic pill or poison apple that could put me to sleep for those 9 months. i needed everyone around for love and support and at the same time hated the fact that i needed anything/anyone at all.

calm thoughts and deep breaths headed your way.

CLC said...

I have so much hope for you. I firmly believe that ignorance is bliss.

Aurelia said...

Ok, thanks for answering, sooo although you won't know when the transfer happens, I guess they'll call you with the news of the BFP or the BFN.

And whatever you want to share, or whatever you want to know, that's fine with us. We'll be here for you, day or night.

Bon said...

completely understood. we're here, whatever we can do to help the time pass.

wheelsonthebus said...

Keeping digits crossed.

leanne said...

Thinking of you...