Tuesday, March 11, 2008

bargaining

Just in case the transfer works, I’ve been making myself a long list of promises. I won’t post a ticker or one of those pictures labeled “X’s baby.” I won’t use some cute nickname. I won’t find out the due date. I won’t tell my family or friends. I won’t look at the screen during the ultrasounds. I won’t take home any ultrasound pictures. I won’t keep track of the weeks and days. I won't consider possible names. I won’t buy or even look at any baby-related items. Because, despite what you might think, experience shows that it really does hurt me less if I don’t let myself hope, not even for a second.

54 comments:

Maggie said...

You have to what works for you. Just don't forget that sometimes what works for you changes with a change in circumstance.

My fingers are crossed tight...I'll hope for you...

thailandchani said...

Hoping for you here, too.

Tash said...

Boy, am I with you there. If only it were easy to ignore the big stuff. Happy to not consider anything with you.

DD said...

1) check
2) check (? - matter of opinion)
3) check (until 12w)
4) check (until 20w)
5) guilty. I've kept them all...
6) guilty.
7) guilty. I've always had a name...
8) uh, yeah, we all know how that lost one went

While my list varies from yours a little, I'm sure before our transfer it was more similar than not.

Hope is a double-edged sword. What more can be said?

Megan said...

Can I hope for a (naked, nameless, undocumented, unheralded) baby for you?

charmedgirl said...

i honestly can't say i blame you. how can we be excited (or whatever), even secretly in our own heads? i don't know. i may never find out, either.

niobe said...

Charmedgirl: Exactly. And I think I'm being wildly optimistic because I'm letting myself contemplate the possibility that the transfer might actually work.

wannabe mom said...

thinking of you, while you're not hoping.

beagle said...

Some days I need Hope some days I hate her.

Coping is a very indivisual thing. Whatever works best for you is what I will support you in.

Monica H said...

I'm 'hopeful mommma', so of course I'll do the hoping for you.

Aurelia said...

Well, I've done everything you won't so far, and I still don't have any real hope, but unfortunately some of this does creep up on you as time goes by.

Then again, doing this with a surrogate changes it, because it is possible for you to have a conversation with someone without them discussing a potential baby. For me--not remotely possible. I can't get away from reminders if I tried.

That said, you may change your mind about some stuff on this list, and whatever you do is fine with me. I'll still be here.

Kymberli said...

I understand that completely, Niobe, so I will hold hope for you. If you ever need/want to talk about the surrogacy (with or without hope angles), you know where to find me.

Rachel said...

So difficult.

I find myself in a constant battle with hope every day.

Sometimes, however, I can hope for others.

CLC said...

You have to do whatever works for you. I'll secretly hope for you.

My Reality said...

Can I hold out hope for you?

kalakly said...

Perhaps the most devestating loss with stillbirth, short of the obvious, is the loss of any ability to ever believe, to ever hope, that anything will or can have a happy ending again.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I completely understand. I'll carry hope for you though, if that's ok. HUGS.

Becky said...

You and I think quite similarly.

Amanda said...

I understand. I really, really do.

Bon said...

i get you, in a lot of this. and yet...at least for me...even the contemplation of what i will not contemplate is a form of hope, of magical thinking. and under it, however small, is naked, vulnerable hope for one outcome over the other. i have no faith in this hope, and i like to pretend it's not there. but i still don't know if it would hurt less...i guess i'd feel less foolish, more vindicated...but is that what you mean?

Angelisa said...

i understand this, really. it seems like such a trick. but, i am with the others in holding hope for you. even in this messy topsy-turvey world of ours, i will send you nothing but hope.

niobe said...

Bon: I suppose what I'm thinking of is the way I dealt with it last time. After the first twin died, the doctors told me that there was a very good chance that the other one would be okay. I didn't believe them and I did (or, rather, didn't do) all the things listed in my post. I think that made it much easier for me when the doctors turned out to be wrong.

Eva said...

Of course you do what you think will work for you. But I do wonder--when does that breath-holding end? Motherhood is all worry, even after (yes, if) you get to bring home a baby. At some point you have to give in to the love and to hope for the future and enjoy it. You will have to figure out what point is for you. I hope it is very much sooner than later.

niobe said...

Eva: Assuming no prematurity or significant other problems, the chances of a baby dying go down dramatically by the time it's a few days old. Which isn't to say it doesn't happen, just that it's extremely unlikely.

So, I promise I'll stop holding my breath as soon as the baby comes home from the hospital. Assuming, y'know, I ever get to that point.

meg said...

I'm with you on all of this.

Antigone said...

Not sure how much choice there is with hope. I don't think I could decide whether or not to. No matter how much I'd like to hope, my next pregnancy is just going to be dead baby production #4

B said...

Call me a traitorous friend......... but I don't believe you.

The fact that you are even doing a transfer says something about hope.

charmedgirl said...

"And I think I'm being wildly optimistic because I'm letting myself contemplate the possibility that the transfer might actually work."

I KNOW, RIGHT!?! i think the SAME THING when i consider anything i may or may not do if i got pregnant again...i mean, who the F am i to assume it'll EVEN WORK???? i say *if*, but really...i hate that my head even goes there.

Caro said...

Understandable, but I'm not sure I completely believe you.

G said...

"Bargaining" -- so does that mean if you don't have hope for these things you will get a baby out of the bargain?

Because if that is the way it works, sign me up! The power of positive thinking didn't do shit for me last time.

niobe said...

G: Or, at least, if I don't end up with a baby that it will hurt just a little bit less. If I keep my expectations are low enough, maybe I won't feel quite as disappointed.

I guess you could call it the power of negative thinking.

Rachel said...

I promise that if you break even a single one of those, I won't bring up this post.

And since it is hard for you to hope, I'll be hoping for you.

Cate said...

I will hope, but not FOR you since you don't want it.

Ahuva Batya said...

Funny, all of the bargaining we do with ourselves to keep ourselves sane. I know the feeling of having to put up walls around your hope, but I am hoping for you on the sidelines.

Amy said...

I think you've got it down pat! That's yet one more thing about being in these shoes that sucks! We don't have (maybe some do) the ability to hope. It's a devastating blow.

I however since it is not for me will hold some hope for you. Is that o.k.?

leanne said...

For me lowering expectations or negative thinking can give me a sense of control (or rather an illusion of control) over things I can't possibly control. No matter how much I want to. If I can pretend to control my response and my feelings to imagined scenarios, then I feel like I can handle whatever the real outcome may be. Only then hope can sneak in. Perhaps a bit twisted.

Thinking of you...

wheelsonthebus said...

Having been burned before makes us very, very cautious. It is the best way to keep our hearts safe.

calliope said...

nodding my head. I get it.
this is also a tactic that I will be referring back to if I ever get to that transfer moment.
hope floats like a turd.

mad love for you.
xo

Clementine said...

I'm holding hope for you, too. By the way, I still feel the same way about the Ides of March. If anything, I feel it even more strongly now. Thinking of you!

Julia said...

Whatever works. I didn't want to know the due date, and they automatically told me. But maybe you can avoid it, seeing as it won't be you they will be automatically telling, right?
No tickers or floating babies for me either. We have a name for one of the sexes, had it since before Monkey was born, so if it's that sex, we will have the name. But I won't tell anyone.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

You need to do whatever you can to keep you sane.

We are here for you - and I will hope for you, though very quietly so as not to disturb your equilibrium.....

I am sorry that I missed your last post. I understand your situation very well and agree 100% that gender roles are often more confining for boys. When I was young, I babysat for a family for over 9 years. I carried so much guilt in my heart for years for all of the mistakes I made (it was a terribly dysfunctional family and I was dealing with personal challenges and a miserable home as well.) One of my greatest mistakes was forcing Chris to wear his own clothes instead of his sister's. I remember him especailly fond of a pink tutu. I saw him a few years ago (he was 16 at the time) and he went on and on about how many wonderful times he had with me. Two years later when he came out to me, I apologized for the bargaining I used to do to get him to wear only 1 piece of his sister's clothing every day. He actually laughed and said he doesn't remember that struggle. It seems that the fact that I let him wear any of his sister's clothing sent a positive message (though I still regret fighting with him over it.) And he didn't remember all of the other mistakes I made, either.

What I am trying to say is that you are sending your son a fantastic message about being true to one's self. And I admire you for it. Most parents cave in to peer pressure, which teaches their children that it is ok to do so as well. I plan to encourage my child (boy or girl) to adopt the gender roles that feel comfortable for them - and reject the ones that don't. But I also came to terms with an alternative sexuality (and a female partner who abhored femininity) in order to fully understand how important self-respect is.

I applaud your courage. And your son is a lucky, lucky person.

XOXOXO

SaraS-P said...

Amazing. You stole my thoughts. I see no point in calling anything a baby or potential baby until, well, I still can't figure out when I would feel okay doing that. I am optimistic about getting pregnant, yet I am still in great doubt about getting an actual baby out of it.

I have hope for you, though, because hoping for others is much easier after all.

LAS said...

I know what you mean. Things do hurt less if you don't have hope - if you have no expectations, you aren't disappointed. I find myself thinking that a lot and thinking that my disappointment and sadness in life stems from the fact that I expected things to turn out a certain way and they haven't. It's hard to have hope - but I have hope for you!

Furrow said...

Okay, fair enough. But it's okay to do those things secretly, without telling anyone else. You have been testing out the flow of "Furrow" with your last name, right?

But seriously, I'll be doing lots of hoping for you, too.

Beruriah said...

I wouldn't presume to tell you any differently. And I won't ask you how you plan to explain things to friends and family if/when the baby/babies come home, but I hope you'll tell us how it goes, if it happens.

Awake said...

Okay, but I'm sending good thoughts your way. Not hopeful thoughts. Just peace.

Grad3 said...

Gotta do what is best for you... hugs

lifecanbeashit said...

I understand all of this. You need to make your head and heart safe.

I have also stayed away from tickers and those floating bubs things but its more for my readers. i feel guilty and thats why i protect those posts. To protect my readers. I dont think most would cope with a ticker as well.

Hugs
xxx

luna said...

hope is an evil 4 letter word. I'll take a good chance any day over all the hope in the world. I understand. just try not to be too hard on yourself if you change your mind on something someday... ~luna

thrice said...

That's life in a nutshell? Just an endless mind-f#ck.

AJW5403 said...

I understand your fear and you have to do what works for you. But it really makes me sad that it has to be this way. So if you don't mind I would like to hope for you.

Christine said...

just do what you have to do to make this experience safe for your heart, friend.

Running on empty

Kami said...

I'm sorry. I hate to say it, but you are probably right - still I hate to see you miss out on those things if it does work out.

The baby we lost at 27 weeks we never saw on ultrasound, felt move, nor did he lived long enough for me to feel that he was *real*. I think if I lost this one, it would be much harder. Well, maybe not *much* harder, but enough that I can appreciate trying to protect yourself.

Magpie said...

I hope, for you.