Tuesday, May 13, 2008

can't explain

The first ultrasound was today and everything looks fine. Which, for some reason, instead of making me feel better, makes me feel exponentially worse.

68 comments:

Lori said...

Reality, maybe? Or, the idea that the further this gets the more you will inevitably get your hopes up and as a result be increasingly more anxious and terrified? Maybe that's why?

Whatever the reason, I'm sorry this happy news has made you feel worried? Scared? Sad?

I'm still whispering you good wishes.

thailandchani said...

As hard as it is, try to remain positive. The fact that you would feel scared is only logical, given your history - but try to resist it. :)

Thinking good thoughts for you.. always.

Sara said...

It can be really scary when things go right. Hang in there.

Aunt Becky said...

It makes sense to me. Perfect sense.

Julia said...

Anticipation? Preemptive dread? The further it goes well, the more completely can you be shattered, again, if it then doesn't.

I've given up on it now, since I think I am already stuck all the way. But there was a long time where every step forward brought more dread about how spectacularly worse things would get if they go to shit later...

Lori said...

Breathe.

Melissia said...

Sometimes hoping for the future may seem like letting go of your babies of the past, a betrayal of sorts. At least that is the way it felt for me. Plus there is that reasoning that since this too will end in disaster the sooner it is over the better. We totally get it.

Clementine said...

This is a scary time and I'm wishing you strength and peace.

K @ ourboxofrain said...

For me, each further step along the way allows me to let hope a little further in, making me that much more vulnerable in case of disaster, and that scares the crap out of me. And that battle between hope and fear can be hard as hell when one finds oneself serving as the battlefield. That said, I'm really glad it went well.

DD said...

When we are presented the opposite of what we expect (even if it's good), we remain guarded.

Me? I'm doing a tiny little happy dance. I hope you don't mind.

Amelie said...

I keep thinking positive thoughts for you, Niobe.

Aurelia said...

'kay....I would get this more if you could tell me singleton or twins?

As in, twins makes you worried about fate after what happened last time, and a singleton makes you wonder about the "what ifs" and how different life would be with one baby.

Or maybe I'm full of it.

Which Box said...

Ah, anxiety my old friend....

It's one milestone, one test, one day, one week, one hurdle at a time.

Hang in there. Thinking of you.

Magpie said...

Because it might really happen.

Were you there at the u/s?

Angela said...

It's scary.

You're in my thoughts.

Eva said...

I don't know, but I guess it makes this real, and that eventually it might work, and then that means a LOT of action and interaction!

I personally am unreservedly delighted about it.

Patti said...

I think I understand. Your path has been much more difficult than mine, but I can still empathize with you.

Bad news is something you know how to deal with. You prep for it, brace yourself and sometimes even lean into it, just so you can stand the devastation.

But good news? That leads to hope...and hope can lead to even worse devastation. The kind that comes out of left field and knocks you down before you know what's happening.

I know how hard it is to be happy...I really do. But I hope you can try. :)

slouching mom said...

what your first commenter (lori) said. i'd be surprised if you WEREN'T feeling this way.

christina(apronstrings) said...

if you didn't feel nervous and even more afraind, i would wonder if you were being true to your feelings.
it's more real now. you saw little one.
the last time it was real, well.
i predict it will be this way for awhile. but hopefully not for the whole nine months.
xoxo

JamieD said...

Yes, the old question, "So when am I supposed to stop worrying?"

Wishing you peace and strength.

Lisa b said...

fingers crossed for you.

STE said...

As things start to go well, there is temptation to hope. Greater disappointment if it all goes to hell.

Continuing to quietly hope for good things for you.

Ms. Planner said...

All of it is downright scary for certain. Take deep breaths. Build up your reserve of strength. Thinking of you and sending some comfort vibes your way.

Maggie said...

First, HOORAY!

Second, I think that when you are nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop and then it doesn't, that it throws you off a bit. After having such a rough go of it, having things head in a better direction is a whole different experience for you.

Rachel said...

I understand that feeling completly.

Mrs. Spit said...

Ugh. Yep, that makes perfect sense to me.

Bea said...

The hope, it is toxic.

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

I can't even imagine how you're feeling, but if I had to I'd say I'll be feeling the same way. How does one turn off the pessimistic part once the goodness comes?

You're in my thoughts.

sweetsalty kate said...

I know it's easier said than done, but you might want to give yourself a brain vacation for the next 7-8 months. Just walk around going LLALALALALALAAALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALA and that will apply to both the impending doom as well as the nerve-wracking hope.

Not to oversimplify, but the brain, it can turn against us sometimes, just think too much.

Kymberli said...

I've exhaled a huge sigh of relief. But I get it, so I'm again holding my breath until the next milestone is crossed.

Kami said...

One day at a time - or one breath if that is too long.

If it were me, I would also feel more a failure if someone else was successful where I couldn't me. Not that I wouldn't want her to succeed so I could have my long awaited for child . . .but it would be a mixed blessing. I'm hoping you are not feeling this way.

I hope soon the milestones will bring more peace rather than less.

I am happy to hear the news. Thanks for the update.

m said...

I totally understand that - you've more to lose and thus more to stress about.

x

My Reality said...

It makes perfect sense to me.

lifecanbeashit said...

I so understand those feelings.
BUT I still think enjoy it!
Hugs
xxx

Rachel said...

Hang in there. Try not to think about it, I guess....

missing_one said...

The more we have, the more we have to lose.

CLC said...

Makes total sense. I will hope for you.

Amy said...

It makes perfect sense to me. I'll still be hoping for you.

Tash said...

Hell, that'd be me, so I get it. It's like one down, eight million miles to go. Show me the money.

What are we talking about again, exactly? I came here for photos . . .

Casey said...

I find that pulling every hair off of my hands and walking only in straight lines helps me deal with stress.

Oh wait.

I'm thinking of you.

Beck said...

I am hoping for the very best for you.

painted maypole said...

higher hope can lead to greater fear. i understand that. there is more to lose now.

Beruriah said...

Oh I understand. More hope. More good signs mean more to possibly regret or look back upon with bitterness. But I hope it won't be that way.

Much love you to.

LAS said...

I'm thinking about you and I'll be sending good thoughts your way!

Awake said...

Great news, but understandable feelings. I too am waiting for that day when the great news brings nothing but great feelings - no anxiety, fear, worry. Hang in there.

luna said...

what lori said -- breathe into whatever it is you're feeling. it is what it is, and is out of your hands. hope is a bitch when she creeps her way in. but the alternative is no better. and there is good reason to hope. if you can't bear it, just let everyone else do it for you.

thrice said...

I get it too. Safe so far, leads to future possibilities. Thinking out all those possibilities gives one a headache. Not thinking those possibilities out, gives one a headache. So your about to get a headache, when that bitch hope walks in the door. Not the best of combos.

Best thoughts, on my part.

susan said...

Thinking of you....so far, so good, but why wouldn't you be distrusting of apparent good? One moment at a time.

Sammie said...

I would feel the same way... I'm terrified of getting pregnant again... yet not using anything to prevent it....

k@lakly said...

Ditto Julia's thoughts...with everyday that nothing happens I find myself listening even harder for that other shoe to fall or for the truck to run me over.

thirtysomething said...

Completley understandable to feel that way. Stay in the moment. Focus on the Now. And, for Now, all is well!

Bon said...

i totally get it. i spent the first thirteen or fourteen weeks so braced for bad news that the good news just felt like i was being strung along.

now, i'm in the danger zone of beginning to hope, actively, to anticipate good news...and it scares the living shit out of me.

for you, though, i find it very easy to be happy. ;)

Galen said...

One day at a time, Niobe.

Winston Churchill:

"It is a great mistake to try to look too far ahead. The
chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time."

Wishing you peace.

leanne said...

Many good comments that I could ditto. Instead let me just add that I'm thinking of you and hoping for you.

carole said...

we're also thinking of you. i don't think there's a way to feel better. if there is, i sure as hell haven't found it. at the very least (and this is a very, *very* least) i hope you don't feel isolated -- so many good-hearted people know and share your feelings.

take good care, -- c.

Ahuva Batya said...

It's so unfair, that our experiences with IF rob us not only of years, money, and untold sorrow, but also of our ability to simply be happy during this time.

AJW5403 said...

I wish you could enjoy this but I do understand. You are in my thoughts but congrats on a good u/s.

Amy said...

I understand those feelings of anxiety. I am still whispering good thoughts your way.

Amanda said...

Congratulations on the great ultrasound. I totally get that anxiety. It's normal and expected.

calliope said...

this is giant stuff. giant.
you would be a freak not to be, well whatever tapestry of emotions you ARE.
thinking of you.
xo

Furrow said...

Yep. We get it. It's okay to feel this way. I hope it will pass as things continue to go well.

If it makes any difference, I'm feeling all kinds of joy for you.

Furrow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashleigh said...

My experience has been one of alternating joy and terror - and there's really no predicting which one will surface when- somethings I would think would make me feel better just don't and vice versa.

Antigone said...

At this point it seems awkwardly anticlimatic when things don't fall apart.

Dr. Grumbles said...

Makes sense to my black heart. Breathing a sigh of relief could just set you up for a huge heartbreak later.

That is good news, though.

missedconceptions said...

I spent the hours after most of those early ultrasounds bawling, not because I was happy, but because now I had more to lose.

I tried to remember that every pregnancy is different, but that only sort of worked. Then I got hit with the nausea and, as sad as it sounds, it helped distract me from my fear.

Assuming you don't want to contract food poisoning to distract yourself, hang in there.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

It's strange to experience happiness and terror all at the same time, and every time we went for u/s I swear that was how I felt. Even afterwards when they reassured us and said things were fine I walked out waiting for the bottom to drop out. I'm not sure why. But I completely understand.

Still, I'm very happy to hear that things look good.

TEOM said...

Makes perfect sense.