Friday, July 25, 2008

thin blue line

IMG_3203I'm not thinking about it. I'm thinking about finally getting around to straightening up my closet and about acetylene torches and about a boat with red sails. Life goes on, unimpeded by morning sickness or maternity clothes, and, without anything tangible to remind me of the pregnancy, I can forget about it for hours, or even days, at a time.

I'm not even quite sure what to tell you about it. It seems odd to say nothing, but, when I try to write something out, I find I have nothing to say. It's still early, I tell myself. Maybe I'll feel differently, more invested, more attached at 18 weeks, 19 weeks, 20 weeks. But, after that, my imaginings come up against a blank wall and refuse to go any further.

I can, if I try, visualize the twins, see them as shadows, side by side, hand in hand, wrapped in an endless, implacable twilight. But the other one? I can't see it. I can't see it at all.

24 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I can't see Gabriel. I close my eyes, and I can't remember his face. Yet, his depth and breadth, it's always with me.

I think this new one will be with you, you will be able to see them, when the time is right. I trust in that.

thailandchani said...

I trust that, too. Everything in its own time.

~*

Karen said...

and yet, there it is, when it recalls itself to you, you see it in that way. obscured yet there.
as chani said...in its own time.

luna said...

that's your defense mechanism protecting you.

but you didn't say a thin pink line, so maybe you see something after all?

STE said...

After all you've been through, I would think it would take a long time to trust in and connect with the new little life that is growing. I know it would for me.

Monica H said...

Not seing him (or her) is easier on your spirit. It's easier to believe it's not real yet.

Kymberli said...

I understand. In June, I just had a feeling and even with all the evidence proving the contrary, I felt that it wasn't meant to be and I didn't, I couldn't connect. I still find it odd how reversed the typical IM/GS roles were between Mia and me.

Antigone said...

I wish I weren't so reckless.

slouching mom said...

beautiful photo.

and yes, i think i can understand that.

you'll have plenty of time to visualize, later.

for now, you need to protect yourself. for good reason.

Magpie said...

"acetylene torches"?

like slouchy said - you've got time later and a need to protect now.

Lori said...

Sometimes the mind chooses the abstract, and sometimes it chooses the concrete.

It sounds like yours is timing things appropriately.

Karin said...

My experience with this has shown me that no matter what I do, or think I am feeling, I am attached. Being distracted is not equal to being unattached. Distractions do help the days go by. Thankfully.

To add, I find don't imagine very far into the future with my living child. I think it is because my experiences have told me that the best I can do is to be here now, where he is.

flutter said...

maybe you're not meant to, not just yet

christina(apronstrings) said...

i would be surprised if you felt differently. you won't forever.

DD said...

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but I felt that way completely up till last week, and even now there are split seconds of "denial".

Anonymous said...

As a surrogate 3 times, the lack of entusiasm was always a very hard thing to witness from my IM. I can somehow understand wanting to protect ourself from pain, but I felt sad for the baby so I made my best to feel that they are wanted and love until their mother was able to let fear go and embrace the idea that good things can happen to them. That day always came....sooner or later even as late as the moment I pushed the babies out of my body and into their parents arms. One day, hopefully, fear will be replaced by hope and love and that is a wonderfull thing to witness.

Aurelia said...

This one I couldn't imagine until he was in my arms, and even then, I was sure he would disappear.

Then again, I'm feeling a little more confident these days. It just takes time.

Julia said...

I had started being able to picture this one when the ultrasound started giving up definitive facial features, and that's only because of the astounding similarities. I *may* be approaching picturing the whole live birth thing now that it seems rather imminent. Well, the birth part.

thirtysomething said...

Understandable, your feelings.

niobe said...

Luna: I really, really like your interpretation.

And thanks, everyone, for the support. I'm sure that my feelings will change, but it's hard waiting for that day to come.

Amanda said...

It's understandable you don't "see" anything yet -- you're in a much different position than you were before, both because of your past experiences and your present circumstances. Everything will come to light at the right time.

Holli said...

I think your feeling are quite normal. In fact, I have heard several women express the same feelings. I think it's a women's way of protecting herself.

Tash said...

Yup. My mind is filled with the past and with the imaginary. Never the future. Ever. Probably why I don't bother to plan anything definitive that will land me there. Like another baby.

c. said...

And I think that is a perfectly good reaction, not being able to see "the other one." Defense mechanism indeed. How else are we expected to get through?