Tuesday, October 14, 2008

counting down

We're at 28 weeks, which, no matter how you measure these things, is a pretty large number. And yet I can't imagine that this is going to result in an actual, real live baby. And when I say "can't imagine," I really, literally mean just that. I'm still steeling myself against the telephone call that begins with I'm so sorry and ends the same way. In fact, I sometimes forget that we haven't gotten the bad news already and am shocked by how cheerful Kyrie seems to be.

I'm supposed to be working on a big project with one of my coworkers, in theory (though these things change all the time) due the first week of January. I can't bring myself to tell him that, if things go as planned, I won't be here to help finish it. This weekend, I was visiting my father and stepmother and, as they talked about someone else's baby, I considered telling them, but, in the end, decided it wasn't worth it.

I'm not being wilfully blind. I understand that the odds, whatever they may be, have, at this point, tipped overwhelmingly in my favor. But, somehow, it's impossible to get myself to believe that there's no particular reason to worry and that, chances are, everything's going to be just fine.

50 comments:

Kymberli said...

I like to think of it as counting up. It carries with it the notion that the further up the days and weeks go, that's the further away you are from things ending in the same way.

I also like that it's the first week in January. New beginnings, and all.

If only there was a telescoping lens...

Christine said...

i know it hard for you to believe it, i completely understand that. so let me believe for you because in my mind's eye i already see you holding that little baby.

Christine said...

i was just wondering-- what are your plans for the birth? do you want to be there?

Jill said...

I find your relationship with your parents and siblings fascinating. Not that it's any of my business, but will your dad and stepmom be upset when they find out about this pregnancy? Will they question you about why you didn't share the information earlier?

slouching mom said...

I was born at thirty weeks.

Just sayin'.

Waiting Amy said...

I'm counting with you, and holding onto hope.

calliope said...

I like Kym's philosophy of counting UP. And seriously 28 weeks? OMFG, lady! As for things not seeming real- so get that. 100% And at some point I imagine it will hit you and in that moment I bet you will look like a lovely Cheshire cat.
xo

Aunt Becky said...

I'm in love with Kym's idea. What a beautiful one.

And you need to handle yourself in any way you need to.

Clarabella said...

Like Christine, I'm thinking it for you. You handle it however you need to. Let the rest of us internet folks dream big for you.

ewe are here said...

I can't even imagine what it must feel like... to be so alone about this in so many way...

I'm sorry you can't share with your extended family... but I'm glad you've shared with 'us'.

Sending you positive thoughts hoping they'll help get you through the last (roughly)12 weeks.

Julia said...

Never could imagine it until the Mag hit me at 33.5, and then only because there were so many people around all acting like I was going to take a live baby home, and possibly soon. Had a little lapse again after we went home on bedrest. Then it was intermittent. Actually, for a while after we got home with the baby I didn't exactly believe it. Nice cognitive dissonance, overlaid with lack of sleep... Can't really wish much more than that for you. :)

Clementine said...

28 weeks--wow. I am holding hope and counting up with you.

On a completely different note, I adore your leaves picture below!

Best wishes, Niobe.

thirtysomething said...

Oh wow. So close...everything is going to be totally fine, though it is completely understandable why you can't allow yourslf to picture the end result.

Stunning leaf pic below.

yummysushipajamas said...

I am so excited for you, and you have every right to be feeling hopeful!

Aurelia said...

I still don't believe it, and he's home with me!

Anyway, like I suggested before think about telling a few people like the work guy or your boss that you are considering adopting and that it might happen then, but it's all very tentative. People get that about adoption so they won't drive you crazy, but it will give them the head's up they need.

Seriously, you want these guys on your side. Telling them last second after the baby is born will cause your career lots of problems, even if they are happy for you.

charmedgirl said...

thinking of you, niobe.
(and under no circumstances should you feel pressured into telling anyone at work. if they were going to lay you off, they'd tell you when it was beneficial to them...they'll work it out if necessary.)

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

If it makes you feel any better, I felt like things would end badly at moments while I was in the delivery room giving birth. It wasn't until I actually held Lemy in my arms that I realized that it might turn out ok.

28 is a huge number. It's a great number. And more importantly it signifies that there are only 12 weeks to go. Know that I am praying for a smooth 12 weeks and a beautiful start to the year for you. ((HUGS))

Cara said...

I understand. I was a mess until the bitter end with our second pregnancy. That the shitty part about going full term, then losing a baby. There is no "mark" to meet.

WHEN you hold your baby the world will rejoice with you...and work will figure their own sh*t out!

Tash said...

Odds, shmodds. I've taken to the basic theory of probability: either things will happen, or they won't. I find it rather liberating.

I wouldn't tell anyone either. Not until, say, first grade.

susan said...

You need to get ready for this (however you define "this") in ways that make sense to you.

but the question about how to get your colleagues on your side is an interesting one--do you think you will damage relationships there by not telling? (which might or might not matter to you, of course).

I'm crossing fingers and holding my breath for the rest of the weeks to fly by as you count up.

Lisa b said...

odds don't really make sense once you have been on the wrong side of them.
however I do think it is likely you will be off in January.
though I am sure you will worry until then.

ms. G said...

You describe basically my feelings when pregnant with A. I literally could NOT picture having a baby at the end. In fact, I think even weeks after she came home, I didn't really believe it. I've been meaning to write a post about that very thing.

Anyway, I understand exactly what you are saying.

Antigone said...

All sorts of things can still go wrong. I can e-mail you a list if you'd like.

Amanda said...

I can only imagine the feelings of disbelief you must wrestle with. Still, you're in a good place and there's a really good chance you're going to come away with a most wonderful blessing. Thinking of you as you continue to move towards embracing that.

Magpie said...

So your mother didn't tell anyone?

I can't imagine the weirdness of knowing that you're going to have a baby, but your waistline is remaining intact. It's a disconnect - no way around that.

Have you told others at work, other than that coworker?

Magpie said...

PS - "Niobe" was an answer in the crossword puzzle today.

Karen said...

omg
you typed baby. w/o much preamble too.
I think on some level it might actually be sinking in, niobe. That is good.

Ruby said...

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and I do believe that everything will be just fine.

Maggie said...

What a fantastic milestone. I can't wait for the next one to get here...I can't imagine how excited you must be getting...

k@lakly said...

ditto

Which Box said...

I can only imagine how surreal this is. I mean, it's surreal to me and I deal with the tangible evidence every single minute of the day. my magic mental number for you has always been 32. Just seems like the 8 week to go mark is when it really hits. So, because I am so important and all, I say ignore it all for another month. Then ignore some more.

Lori said...

Yep, I remember that feeling. Although I actually tried really hard to imagine her, only because it bothered me in hindsight that I had never been able to picture the twins in our lives. So I would sit and force myself to picture this little baby in and amongst our lives, as though I could actually will her into existence. Who knows, maybe I did? :)

I am holding tightly to hope.

Elspeth said...

I understand.

Thinking of you ...

Furrow said...

In the past, with closed adoptions, lots of babies just appeared because adoptive parents weren't in the loop like they are now. My husband just arrived with no notice. The extended family adjusted. Yours will, too. The work folk? If it were me (and it's so not, even mentally) I'd set some sort of "safe" deadline, like 36 weeks. I like Aurelia's idea. A month is enough time for them, right?

Rosepetal said...

of course it's impossible to imagine. Thankfully impossible to imagine and impossible to be are not the same thing.

Elizabeth said...

I'm so happy you've reached this milestone. On an intellectual level, I've understood your inability to believe that everything will be fine, but now I find myself with the same inability and empathize even more. Maybe mention something to your coworker after Thanksgiving?

Hennifer said...

Thinking of you...

Look at you Magpie, with the crossword reference! I love it!

Elizabeth said...

Does it actually give you a little thrill, though, to know and not to tell your father and stepmother? It would me.

evenshine said...

Ditto.
And it it ALWAYS worth it.

Ahuva Batya said...

The great thing about commenting late is that I get to piggy-back on everyone else's wisdom. Like Christine, who says she is believing for you, since you are in a state that makes it so very hard to imagine the good outcome right now. I'm with her, believing for you. And this is so true, it should be on a coffee mug:
"odds don't really make sense once you have been on the wrong side of them." If there really is a karmic thread in the universe, it's being woven tight right now by all the people holding on to the belief that you'll be holding a squiggly baby in a very short time.

Virginia said...

I believe for you.

And I understand.

CLC said...

Ditto Elizabeth..I think it's exciting to keep such an important secret.

And I am holding out hope for you as well.

painted maypole said...

it's going to be so fun when you have that baby!!! :)

your "earthward" picture is AMAZING. it makes my heart all warm and glowy just looking at it!

Dr. Grumbles said...

ah yes... when my husband actually said our fetus's chosen name out loud, I immediately thought, "Now you've done it! You've welcomed in a loss with your certainty!"

Intending To Be Parents said...

Sending you good thoughts on a very uneventful remainder of the pregnancy. The 28 week marker is a great accomplishment and I am thinking only positive thoughts for you.

Angela said...

Oh, god, I hope this works.

Amelie said...

Hoping for ~12 more weeks of an uneventful pregnancy.

kp said...

I wouldn't have told anyone about my subsequent baby either, if I wasn't the one actually pregnant. I waited until probably 26 or 27 weeks to tell work ... and it was embarrassing because of course they could already tell.

B said...

I don't think Kami truley believed she would have a bubs until she had it in her arms - and it was in her tummy for 9 months!

Not surprising.....

but I hope you can begin to feel some of the joy

love B

red pen mama said...

You say, "there's no particular reason to worry" and that's true. But we still worry. Loss robs us of the inability to worry.

I, like many other commenters, will imagine joy for you. I hope soon you can imagine it for you too, even if you are still worried.

ciao,
rpm