Wednesday, October 1, 2008

this time

I tell Julia all the time that I don't pay much attention to dates and don't make a big deal out of anniversaries. But I can't help remembering that, though the precise day has vanished somewhere in a magnesium sulfate fog, that it was, give or take a few days, almost exactly two years ago that I lost the twins.

I say I lost the twins, but, of course, that isn't exactly accurate. We already knew that we'd lost one of them, but the doctors were very optimistic that, at 26 weeks, the other one would survive. They sent in a young and cheerful neonatologist who sat on the windowsill of my hospital room and gave us long talks about what we could expect in the NICU and quoted odds on various long term outcomes. I tried to look attentive and ask intelligent questions, but, while my instincts are generally untrustworthy, I knew that none of this information was going to matter.

As they wheeled me into the operating room, one of the residents looked up from fastening a plastic bracelet around my wrist and asked me why I was crying.

I looked at her in surprise. Because my baby is going to die, I said.

That might not happen. Everything might still be okay, she said and I wondered if someone had told her to say that.

Maybe, I said, but if I had to bet, that's not what I'd put my money on.

And I don't remember saying another word until, hours later, I woke up in the recovery room and asked for a glass of water.

This week, Kyrie, our surrogate, is 26 weeks pregnant. We have an appointment on Friday and I'm not really expecting bad news. I know the odds are overwhelming that, a few days after the new year begins, we'll be taking home a, well, you know. But, right now, right this minute, I can't help thinking that I've seen this movie before and, while some of characters seem unfamiliar and a few of the plot twists are a little hazy, I already know the way it ends.

41 comments:

k@lakly said...

I know. I so know.

Hoping we all get a surprise(meaning happy) ending to this movie we've all seen before....

Ya Chun said...

{{{Hugs}}} to you all - including Kyrie!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Thinking of you and praying that this time the plot twists in a great way. ((HUGS))

Dayna said...

Thinking of you, Niobe.

Amelie said...

The question why you were crying is really odd, I find.
Thinking of you.

Antigone said...

That's the problem with being cursed. You never know when it's been lifted.

Clarabella said...

I, too, am hoping for a surprise ending for you. A blue surprise ending.

niobe said...

Amelie: Yes, the question was kind of strange.

The only thing I could think of was that she was so used to 26-week-old babies surviving (and, of course, most of them do), that the idea that this one wasn't going to make it just didn't seem all that likely to her.

Tash said...

Yup. Here's the part where I pull my shirt up over my eyes and plug my ears while trying to make my way to the closet.

Thinking of you this week. Especially.

beagle said...

Hoping for a reason to start a new set of anniversaries . . . the happy kind.

Keeping you in my thoughts . . .

Aurelia said...

I am thinking of you, and actually after reading this post, I think about how interesting memory is. I just went through some of the records for Julius' birth and it has twigged me to want to know more, since I was out of it for so much of the time.

Like filling in the missing pieces would answer questions somehow.

I know you never have looked at the medical records, but after next January at some point, do you think you ever would?

Monica H said...

Hoping for a different, a better, ending to this story.

Thank you for your help on the Survivor Project.

niobe said...

Aurelia: I can say that I never plan to look at the medical records. Never. Never. Never.

Of course, I might change my mind.

Kami said...

10 hours into labor and a likely c-section hovering in everyone's thoughts and I still couldn't believe we would have a live baby. I didn't believe until it happened.

I understand.

thirtysomething said...

Understandable. But, this time is different.
Hugs to you.

the dragonfly said...

Thinking of you...

Magpie said...

You may think whatever you'd like. We can be your hope for you.

Elspeth said...

You are in my thoughts.

Becky said...

I understand. I'm thinking about you always.

This time will be different. Although I couldn't imagine how different until the ride home from the hospital.

Betty M said...

Thinking of you.

sweetsalty kate said...

thinking of you, and keeping faith in twists.
xo

Janus said...

Best wishes for a good, and sweet, new year. May you all be inscribed in the book of life.

Maggie said...

Hugs to you. I wish that your first story had a different ending but I have faith that this second story will most certainly be the one to bring you your happily ever after.

leanne said...

Thinking of you...

Eva said...

You know I wish you very well.

My Reality said...

Sometimes, as much as you try to block dates, your unconscious refuses to let you.

Thinking of you.

Lori said...

I think in this case the sequel will be better than the original.

Karen said...

yes, may the new year be sweet.

Sue said...

It's so hard.

But I'm hoping for good things.

Lisa b said...

I'm hoping this one has a happy ending.

Karin said...

Yes, having seen the movie before - I get that. Very much.

I hope the new year begins the new movie with the great ending.

Mandy said...

Giving my every thought to the ending of this movie being very, very different than that of the first.

Lori said...

I have been thinking of you because as some point I deduced that we had October in common as "the month." I feel it still. Even two days ago I thought I wouldn't and yet here it is, October 1, and I feel it.

I want so much for this to end happily for you. So very much.

P.S. Why did that dumb resident ask such a dumb question? I mean, 26 weeks is still very, very fragile. Anyone in the medical profession should know that.

Anonymous said...

l'shanah tovah tikatevu vetechatemu.
Allypally

Julia said...

I was thinking of you this Rosh Hashana, particularly on Wednesday in services. I couldn't get the image of you in synagogue two years ago chanting Un'taneh Tokef out of my head.

You know, I hope, how much I wish that this movie turns out much much different.

Cara said...

Thinking of you as you pass this mark and walk in to unchartered territory!

The stupid movie re-runs they play really piss me off sometimes. Luckily they have editors, the plot changes and this time,they slated a happy ending.

A.M.S. said...

Just thinking of you.

Amy said...

Hoping only for disgustingly gooshy endings in this movie. Thinking of you and hoping sequels truly are only better than the first run, in good ways only!

tryingtoconceive said...

Thinking of you on this anniversary, and holding positive thoughts for you and your surrogate.

B said...

I'm thinking of you this week.

Complicated times.

Barb

sara said...

I'm so sorry - I'm keeping you in my thoughts during this difficult time and keeping my fingers crossed that things will turn out okay this time.