better all the time
I sometimes look back and think that I've come an awfully long way since those long-ago days when I started this blog and basically spent my time bleeding all over the screen. For the most part, time has worn away my sorrow, a snake shedding its skin. But I'm acutely aware of the things I still haven't done, still can't quite manage. The short list:
- reconnect with my stepbrother and his wife, who, though they live in the same city as me, I haven't spoken to in over two years. Finally get up the courage to meet their two-year-old daughter, who's exactly the same age that the twins would have been.
- read blogs featuring twin pregnancies. It hurts a lot less once someone else's twins are born and it doesn't bother me at all once someone else's twins are no longer tiny babies, more than, say, six months old. But I can't handle twin pregnancies.
- Run into Sarah or Steve accidentally (something that happens maybe once a year) or, more realistically, imagine running into Sarah or Steve accidentally without feeling like something inside me has been caught in a vise.
What are your limitations? What can't you quite bring yourself to do -- yet or
maybe ever?
28 comments:
I tried once to visit our friends with a baby girl the same age mine should be. It was disastrous, and I haven't tried since. It eats away at me every day. That baby will be one soon.
I've spent a bit of time with the parents without baby present, and I cringe every time she's mentioned- every time they brag about milestones she's met a little bit of my heart dies.
My husband has been bugging me to try visiting again. I just can't do it- don't know if I ever will.
My shadow-baby-neighbor? Is moving. Out of state. Part of me thinks I should trot down and do what I need to do; other parts of me are trying to sell their house and get them out so I don't need to check this off the list -- it will check itself.
Lose. the fucking. baby weight.
We have yet to do a memorial of any sort for Maddy. We've discussed everything, I think we actually know what we want to do, but have yet to pick up the phone. Mr. ABF just said this is the year he gets a tattoo. Maybe this will be the year we put it down, permanently, that our baby died.
Deal with having another. Like, have a conversation with myself or each other already. sigh.
Be genuinely happy for anyone that announces their pregnancy. I feel like the biggest bitch but I just can't.
Not be furiously resentful for all the teens and crackheads who have uncomplicated oops pregnancies. I think it will piss me off until the day I die.
The things on my desk that I've been procrastinating about? Ordering some plaques, dissolving a company, fighting about a legal bill.
The bigger things? Dieting and exercising.
Forgive myself for having a deadbaby. Then maybe I can start being truly happy and not jealous for others when they get a problem free pregnancy and live baby... over and over again.
Even though I just did that.
Can anyone say t-h-e-r-a-p-y?
Find out the sex of the baby. I think about it all the time but I haven't gathered up the courage yet.
Honestly, since D. being born I feel there's nothing I cant do, things I couldn't do before I an now, totally empowering!
Time passing by or where there's a will there's a way?
File for my divorce. It breaks my heart.
Hennifer.. Maybe it isn't yet the right time, maybe there's still a thread keeping it "together"....
Niobe: there's this poem saying something about the forests that will never be, and bumping, in real life or otherwise, into something/body that makes me ache yet again about those forests...I can't stand!
I have practiced saying, "When the baby comes ..." to pregnant friends and relatives rather than "IF the baby comes." However, I confess that inside, my brain is yelling "IF IF IF ..." the whole time I'm saying "When."
I suspect that limitation is a keeper.
Tell him that I've been unfaithful. But I don't really see the point.
Give up on the idea of another baby.
I have trouble watching mother's around their daughters.
Letting myself be loved.
Trusting anyone 100%
See friend or friend's baby girl who was due the same day as mine. Hers was born alive at 40 weeks 1 day, mine was stillborn at 40 weeks 5 days. She was a friend, but I never want to see her again. I just pretend she does not exist. Also as someone else said, be happy when someone announces a pregnancy. Each time it stings.
I wish I could get up the nerve to contact the parents of a girl my husband and I met in the hospital a few years ago (our son was 2 at the time and she was about 3). Our children had both received rather devastating diagnoses. Though as much as it sucked, my son was one of the lucky ones. Their daughter had a far more uphill battle. We visited them at the hospital a few weeks after our son was able to go home, but that was it. I think about them a lot. Wondering what happened after that. Wondering if they would even want to hear from us. Hoping their little girl is okay and feeling guilty that she may not be.
Forgot to mention... I love this photo.
Make ammends with my Dad and his wife. Although I'm not so concerned about her.
admit on my blog that I am a mother to a child that I am not raising.
What a big old swag of pain and secrets. It hurts to read.
Renew friendships that people let slide cause they decided I needed "distance" and I didn't have the energy to pursue.
Forgive people who actively avoid me because they are pregnant or have a small child.
Trust people like I used to.
Be honest - as in directly tell without mincing words - my ex-best friend just how much her inability to be there for me after the 'prescribed' time hurt.
We pass randomly and smile surfacly and I just pretened that her ignorance is enough.
I feel that I can only admit this here - I would love another baby but I am too scared of being pregnant again and losing another child and I am running out of time cause I'm not getting any younger.
I would like to finally loose this extra huge tire around my waist, the tire that is the direct result of having been pregnant often, to release from it and maybe possibly try to consider myself in some way, beautiful - like I used to feel.
I would like to find a way back to my first loves in life - dance and art.
I would like to let go of the thought that I haven't 'done anything with my life'. It's hard to equate the development of survival skills 'doing something with my life'.
Ok, and if we are honest - have sex more. And not only that, enjoy it. Like I USED to do. Ok. It's out there.....
Well, I need to face reality....time to just give up on some shit.
Somethings will just never change.
Not everything. But some things.
nothing i can think of right now...i've forced myself to do everything. i've even committed to babysitting paige's shadow baby for a week in august. i think i test myself, or try to pour steel over my wounds, or punish myself...or all of those.
Talk about my deadbaby without feeling guilty for talking about it and weirding people out. It's always the elephant in the room that only I see.
Forgive and forget about the pain some former close friends have caused us due to their inability to just cut us a little slack during our darkest year. I guess I can't forgive them for not forgiving us. I wish I could and finally move on.
I find twin pregnancies hard too. I miss our twin.
...go to grad school.
I've collected all the paperwork and met with admissions. But I just freeze staring at the essay suggestion and shove those papers to the bottom of the pile.
It's something I want so bad but being tied up in my full time job, marriage and the last 7 months in fertility treatments has left me with little time or drive to nag myself about grad school.
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