Friday, May 1, 2009

three

Recently, reading an essay by woman with two children who longs for a third, I was a little taken aback by the vitriol in some of the comments. The world is far too overpopulated already, say the commenters. Be grateful for the two you already have. Just adopt.

As I contemplate going forward with an FET with a surrogate some time in the next few months, I feel greedy and ungrateful. I have two wonderful, perfect boys. That should be enough -- far more than enough. Still, I keep thinking that there's room for just one more and that, in any event, we have the frozen embryos already and we might as well at least try and see what happens.

And, to those of you who think that the real reason that I want another baby is that I'm trying to replace the other twin: Of course I am. Of course it is.

43 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

I'd do the exact same thing.

Tash said...

People need to shut up and mind their own fucking business.

I think if you have in your head what you want ideally, whether in advance or by accident with only a faint glimmer of what lies in wait, it's hard to ditch that picture. So I get this, entirely. Good for you!

Maggie said...

If you want another little one, then I think that you should do what you can to make that happen. To hell with everyone else...it isn't their baby, it's yours.

People want what they want. And if you want three children, then that's what you should go for.

You only live once, after all.

Yolanda (the callipygian chronicle) said...

There's a scene toward the end of Revolutionary Road, where April says, "I saw a whole different future. I just can't stop seeing it." I so, so get that.

A dream deferred doesn't simply vanish. It is deferred, sometimes painfully. But it wants to be realized.

If you can make yours come true, do.

Sue said...

I will admit to struggling with the idea of aching for a second or third child in the past, but I've come to understand it as a qualitatively different beast from primary infertility. And infertility is infertility, and those who are suffering, longing, all feel pain. And pain is pain.

I say go for it. If you've got the embryos and feel the tug, why not? I have been told not to have twins again, but with a new prescription for pregnancy (TAC) I've been told it's possible. I'm aging, as are my eggs, and who knows how long it will take just to get one. I would like for my (potential) child to have a sibling (or, dare I say it two). There are only so many ways to go about it.

(sorry to ramble)

Screw everyone else. Do what feels right.

Kymberli said...

Ditto Tash, especially that part about people minding their own fucking business.

There is no guilt to be had if it's in your heart to want it and you're able to do it responsibly (unlike The Wacky Weirdo of the West aka Suleman), then I say go for it. Only you know your level of desire and capacity for more; don't feel guilt for filling it.

Grad3 said...

Why do people think that it's okay to say things like that??? If you wanted to start your own business or go back to school no one would say "Oh there's too much of ____." WTH????

If you want to pursue another child, then you should do it. It's your family and only you know what is right. I wish you great luck!

Marin said...

If you think there's somebody missing from your family, find them.

loribeth said...

I agree with Tash. I'll admit that I may privately sometimes feel a little resentful of people who already have children & moan because they want more... but I would never say so to their faces. It's nobody's business but your own.

charmedgirl said...

i will unabashedly admit i was trying to replace what i lost as well. it didn't work and i feel released from the pressure to try; sometimes i feel a great sense of relief it didn't work...cause i know it's not (i don't know...good? acceptable? whateverthefuck word) to want/try for the *replacement.* cause it's not a replacement at all. but we know that already. but it doesn't matter.

my long-winded point is, screw those commenters. do what you're gonna do and see what happens...the reasons? we only have to have reasons cause we're already way more fucked than others who are reproducing...so double-screw them.

angie said...

for some reason, i find commenters of stories in newspapers to be real jackasses. it is like their anonymity allows them to talk about individual, personal decisions as though their insular little opinion matters. i like what marin said.

k@lakly said...

I am that woman...I went through everything to get a third, who really ended up being my fourth, you know, counting Caleb. I can only begin to guess how many people wondered behind my back about our choice to try again after such a loss, at my 'advanced age' blah, blah, blah. But you know what, none of them live inside my head or heart and I know we made the right choice for our family. And while Cason didn't fill the void left by Caleb he absolutely completed our family circle. And that was what I needed, for me.
Long way of saying, do what you need or want to do for you. Only you know your mind and your heart.
And like Tash said. Fuck the nay sayers.

B said...

It's wierd - what determines the feeling of "missing" in your family. I only had one child die but I am "missing" two. I feel like I should have two kids with me. I think it's to do with others who had no kids when Maya was born now having two.

Sigh!

My Reality said...

If you don't try, you will always wonder.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more. Nothing at all.

Virginia said...

Well, yes, the world is overpopulated and all that, but I don't get how ANYONE can say "just be grateful for the two (or how ever many) you have." That makes me want to scream, "NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!" I think that anyone who's experienced a loss is incredibly, unbelievably grateful for the living children they have, and to be told by some outside party to be grateful - my god, that just shouldn't be allowed.

I will always want one more child. In some ways, yes, I want to replace the son who died, even though I know it can't be done. I want three living children, just as I'd always planned. But having a 4th, live child, will not fill my need for 3 children. No matter how many babies I have, one is always, always gone.

You're not crazy for wanting another. And of course you're grateful for the two boys you have. I think we need more loved and wanted babies in the world to be born to parents who have a clue.

DD said...

Do you know how many emails I get from bloggers who went from go through PIF, then pregnancy, to parenting, who are now in the throes of SIF?? They tell me that before they didn't really get SIF, but now? Now they do.

It's a matter of losing control. It's not about not appreciating what you have or being selfish. I couldn't even get beyond the first page of comments. I was infuriated.

Not until a person has been in those shoes will they ever, EVER, understand what it feels like.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I think that if you're ready for it, then you should absolutely go for it. Only you know what will be best for you and your family. And if you've got the embryos ready then why wouldn't you?

Good luck with your decision. ((HUGS))

Kristin said...

People need to get off their fucking high horses and quit telling people how to run their lives. As long as you aren't doing it on public assistance, have as many kids as you want!

flutter said...

and so the fuck what if it is? who is anyone to tell you how many children you are supposed to want? If you can care for them, that's all that matters.

Tash said...

I finally followed through on the link; you know, I used to hate motherlode, and now I just kinda feel sorry for the whole enterprise.

Melissia said...

I applaud your decision to have another child, I have waited 20+ years for my heart to stop wanting to complete my family. It seemed very greedy to have so many children, we have 4 great living children, and a daughter who died many years ago. I felt that I should be happy that I was blessed with the kids I had, and I am, but have have always felt that hole, and think you should do exactly what you are doing, and tell the world to screw off. Besides, with wonderful boys that you have they will make such a positive contribution to this world, they will make this a better place to be.

Monica H said...

You have to do what's right for you and not worry about what everyone else thinks. I sy if you want 5, go for it.

Quadelle said...

I agree with Marin.

One of the positions I came to through the process of IVF was that every longing when it comes to family and children is valid. Not every longing will be satisfied, but to deny or criticise someone's longing (including one's own) is to deny and criticise the person.

Plus, a longing for things one does not have does not mean a person is incapable of appreciating and being incredibly grateful for what they do have.

Our situation is similar, yet very different. We tried to conceive for five years, then lost our first pregnancy. We now have two live children and four embryos (three have been given a very low grade). I long for a third live child when these two are a bit older, but circumstances may very well mean it won't eventuate. If that happens, I will grieve again.

Sarah said...

I'm a mother of 2 gloriously healthy happy children that I got pg with apparently by just wishing it so... now we've been trying for 4 years, wondering what the hell.

Even when I don't get the comments *to* me, I hear them made generally. Just reading these comments, here, by so many different women with so many different experiences, all saying SCREW THEM!! has been incredibly comforting and supportive.

Absolutely go after your baby, regardless of the reason. I certainly will be. And it's NO ONE's freaking business but (y)ours.

Aurelia said...

People who yip about population control always irritate me because of course they'd never suggest that old people should kill themselves, or that people with cancer should just give up and not use so many resources to stay alive....

Why is this different? Why are we the target?

Assholes....just ignore them.

Just Meim said...

No one, and I mean NO ONE has the right to tell another person how many children is "enough". You will know when your family is complete. And really, it's no one's concern other than you and your DH.

I say, bring on the babies!:)

thirtysomething said...

Hey, who cares what others think? If you long for another child - go for it! Simple as that.

Lisa b said...

I think we all have a sense of how many children we want to have. I am pretty sure if I had frozen embryo's I would have to try.

Artblog said...

Could have taken those last few you wrote words out of my own mouth regarding Chou Chou, much like yourself, not ashamed to admit it :)

I say, if you're willing and you have the cash, do it and lots of luck for the same sweet success :)

Betty M said...

I never thought I wanted three. After a bunch of IVfs and a m/c brought me my two I thought I was done. I then became that annoying post IVF natural conception at 40 person. We were thrilled. Three now seemed perfect. Serendipitous. I lost the baby. I reconciled myself to the fact that the surprise 3rd wasn't to be. Then it happened again. I just lost that one too. The elusive 3rd now seems very important even though the odds are vanishingly small that if lightening strikes thrice anything will stick around.

I say if you can and you want to stuff them. Its your life not theirs.

calliope said...

I think it is fantastic & wonderful and entirely up to you.
xo

Coming2Terms said...

If there's one thing I've learned it is to tune out vitriol. That's because anyone who spews vitriol is usually doing it from a place of hate...thereby losing the right to be heard.

Life in Eden said...

Like so many have said ... like Tash said.

I always thought I'd have 5 (crazy I know but I'm from an even bigger brood). Now I have 3, but still feel a bit incomplete. If I had frozens, I'd definitely try.

You do what is best for YOU. F the others.

Hannah said...

I like Angie's point about commenters on newspaper articles; there is a huge debate going on in the media now about whether or not allowing comments on news stories brings the whole tone and quality of reportage to unacceptable lows. I rather think it does, myself.

I know that you are not Octomom, feeding your kids on food stamps and depending on society to bail you out (you're not, right?) So then it is nobody's decision but yours. I think three is a nice number. And Cole will love to have a sibling closer in age to him than Gray.

Rach said...

It doesn't matter what we do, some one will always have something to say about it. Always. And they can get f$%ked.

G$ said...

I was of that mindset before - but now after all my struggles, I would keep trying with every single embryo, even if that meant I had to buy a 13 passenger van.

I'm excited for you, I hope this too works out well.

melka said...

ditto most of what's above.

i really just don't get the mean, mean judgers, the haters - what motivates people to decide other people's core life decisions for them, and with so much vitriol. bizarre. unnecessary.

you want what you want - hardly a criminal or harmful desire by any stretch of the imagination - and have the guts and means to try for it. do it. we'll be rooting for you.

Furrow said...

Geez. I'm about to be one of those SIF whiners. I hate myself already. I'm such a selfish beeyotch. You forgot the other good reason you want another baby: so that yours and my next one can be born at the same time and grow up to take over the world together.

sarai said...

I think our society has lost much of the warmth and wisdom that comes from larger families......

I was the third born child in my family, out of four. Many of my peers had families with several kids. Now most of my children's classmates just have two. One miserable memorable class was made up of mostly only children, and while there's nothing wrong with being an only child, an entire class of them was a little much.

Taking away larger families (and then sensationalizing them on TV) changes the fabric of society, not necessarily for the better, IMO.

You've received plenty of well deserved support for putting your own family before society, now here's some saying you may help society.

painted maypole said...

I've cast you in a play over at my place. ;)

Caro said...

Seems reasonable to me.

Christine said...

if you want that 2rd baby, go or it. you'll always regret NOT trying.

Karin said...

I think that no matter what, someone out there will feel that they know best what is the ideal family size. Often people who think they know best love to tell everyone. And it seems to me that no matter what kind of family a person has, someone will feel it is their duty to comment about it or make assumptions.

My fingers want to type out all the different things I've heard about what makes a 'perfect family' - whether said to me or to friends - but it would just end up too damn long.

What does come to mind for me whenever I hear the comment "There are already too many people in the world" is that the commenters never seem to evaluate their place within that - that *they* are one of those 'too many' people. What makes their life so much more entitled?

Oh and, yes. Use the embryos. I'd do it in a flash. I did in fact. Only one worked. If the others had worked, we'd have a houseful now, perfect family or not!