Sunday, January 27, 2008

listen


I'm not sure where it's coming from, this helplessness, this despair. It's not about the twins. I know that there are some people who never get over the death of their children, but I've gotten through this practically unscathed and more quickly and easily than I would have ever thought possible. I've come to the conclusion, unwelcome as it is, that what happened was exactly what was supposed to happen, that all those things that seemed to hurt so much at the time, while not exactly my fault, were certainly my fate. I know people hate the phrase, but this really did happen to me for a reason. Now it's the future that stretches before me, bleak and full of dangers. It's hard to imagine anything good ever happening again. I just want, as I said on someone else's blog, for time to speed up, so that all the terrible things that lie in wait for me will be over.

In 13th century Spain, Rabbi Moses ben Nachman, also known as Nachmanides, had a student who renounced Judaism and became an important official in the royal court. When Nachmanides questioned him, the apostate said that he had lost his faith when he had heard Nachmanides make the absurd claim that everything that ever had happened or ever would happen could be found in Ha'azinu, the final song of Moses. "If that really is true," said the apostate, "show me what Ha'azinu says about me." Nachmanides read through the verses, tracing the letters of the man's name, showing how they appeared in the passage: I will scatter them; I will make their memory vanish. The next day, the man set sail in a black-masted ship without charts or crew and was never seen again.

23 comments:

Suz said...

I have a hard time reconciling the text, which argues eloquently against the despair not coming from the twins, and the image, which seems to represent twins entirely.

S said...

whatever the source of the helplessness and despair, i wish -- fervently -- that you were not experiencing it.

xxoo

Lori said...

Believing something happened for a reason, or exactly as it should- even acceptance- does not necessarily mean the eradication of any possible pain. At least, that's my thought.

You are a bit of a fatalist, Niobe. What is funny though, in my imagination, the place where I picture you and the life ahead of you, I see an abundance of good things. I'm not sure where I get that from your words, so my hope is that it is coming from someplace else.

EmmaL said...

I don't know what to say really, except that I know what you mean - about things happening for a reason. I believe that about what happened to me because if I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be able to live with it or deal with it. That's the only way I can cope with it. And I know what you mean - about speeding time up to get it all over with. For me, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time and it ruins the good things that happen in between these appointments.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

"I just want...for time to speed up, so that all the terrible things that lie in wait for me will be over."

I have sometimes felt that life is something to endure rather than something to enjoy.

Julia said...

I was reminded this past week (by the connections made in the Rabbi's sermon) about Elisha ben Abuyaa, the Other, the apostate of Talmud (and As A Driven Leaf). Because my Jewish education was so lacking when I first read about him, I didn't appreciate the poetry in the proclamation that amounted to his renunciation-- there is no Judge and there is no Justice. I just didn't connect it to the phrase you are supposed to say when hearing of a death-- blessed be the Eternal Judge. This connection, the depth of despair it illuminates, has been on my mind lately.

I know you dread the future, and I know it must be hard to see it any other way. I hope you are wrong, though. I hope good things, joyful things, lovely things are in store for you. But I also wish time speeds up through the scary parts for you.

Aurelia said...

Niobe, I have so many ideas, so many thoughts that I think might help, but I know that you do not want to try my way of dealing with loss.

So I read this and feel helpless, knowing that you are not unscathed, and that you still have pain. I think that this despair is connected to the twins.

I've said it before, but if something isn't working for you, then try something new. New drugs, new therapist, new type of therapy, new point of view, new rabbi or congregation, new method of grieving?

I don't know what will work honey, but I'm thinking about you a lot these days, just know that you are in my heart.

Manda said...

Hmmm, I often dont know how to interpret your posts, and since no one has said this before me I may be off track, but that final line seems to be a sign off...

"Be careful what you wish for, we manifest your own futures, and thinking makes it so". Three pithy quotes rolled up into one divine truth.

Now that you have decided that your future is to be bleak and full of danger, have you sailed away, never to be seen again too?

Anonymous said...

I hate that the future seems so bleak for you right now. In addition to the natural fears about the future that many of us share, maybe in some way this is your psyche's way of preparing for what you anticipate will be future disappointment. Accepting our past tragedy as your fate and similarly believing that nothing good is in store for the future is a fatalistic view. I truly hope (and believe) you are wrong, and I wish it didn't feel this way now... ~luna

Caro said...

I don't think I believe in fate and I certainly don't believe that what happened in the past gives a sign for the future. It is totally understandable to anticipate bad stuff happening to try and protect ourselves from the unexpected aspect of future pain but if pain comes (and I don't think this is inevitable) it comes anyway - expecting it doesn't change this.

christina(apronstrings) said...

grief isn't weakness.

i so wish you weren't in this place.

ewe are here said...

Everything may happen for a reason, but that doesn't mean you have to skip grieving for what did happen.

I'm so sorry you're in such a dark place right now.

May time speed up for you soon.

niobe said...

Suz: That's a very acute point.

Manda: Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. At least not for the time being. When I write my final goodbye cruel world post (speaking, of course, figuratively, not literally), my intentions will be crystal clear.

Anonymous said...

I don't think we can ever pinpoint the specific reason for a feeling. Feelings are complex and layered things. Is it "about" the twins? You say no. But I suspect all of our feelings are built up by our myriad experiences.

I left my stepmother's home 24 years ago. I thought some emotions were about her and others weren't. Only this year have I begun to realize that -- much less and much more that I thought -- my past is part of me.

Tash said...

I'm with Lori far above, that the reason for the occurrence does not necessarily mean the pain of that occurrence should be eradicated. The reason for that loss need not be happy or positive, either. Trying to see things in that light is noble (wish I could) but might not make you feel any better in the end.

I feel I don't so much fear the future as not being able to envision it at all. I do hope there are Niobe posts in my future though, or I will be crushed.

charmedgirl said...

what else could you possibly feel right now? i can't think of a single thing.

Pamela T. said...

Life is a feeling experience...some days there's pain and sadness and other days a glimmer of hope or the less common but absolutely heady days of unexplained joy.

I wish I knew what would trigger the various responses I feel so I might be able to better control them, but I've come to appreciate that feelings aren't good or bad -- they just are.

Bon said...

so much in this is about self-fulfilling prophecy...i don't know the reasons you see the twins' death as your fate, but i do know the feeling of a future bleak and full of dangers, of feeling fated or cursed, if you will.

but i do know that that feeling isn't always accurate. and i know for me it always shows up right when - if my past "fates" had been different - hope would surge again, if i let it. i know in me it's a protective mechanism.

i hope, for you, that it is something similar...so that the surge of helplessness and despair then has something of a built-in expiry date. not overall..like the others said, acceptance doesn't mean lack of pain. but just the current surge.

Aunt Becky said...

I remember reading somewhere some quote (and since I'm lazy I am not going to look it up) that went somewhere along the lines of "It seemed like only yesterday that she felt that life would be too long."

In some strange way, I understand precisely what you mean.

painted maypole said...

i have no words, in my haze of sickness, but to say that I'm hear, listening

meg said...

I don't know what it says about me either...but I can't imagine anything good ever happening again too.

Your pal in bitterness,

Meg

Anonymous said...

What you wrote reminds me of Léo Ferrer so I looked for something I felt fit what you were saying. Here is something from his songs of Baudelaire, "L'albatros"

"Le poète est semblable au prince des nuées
Qui hante la tempête et se rit de l'archer.
Exilé sur le seul au milieu des huées,
Ses ailes de géant l'empêchent de marcher."

J'éspere que vous pouvez arriver à marcher.

Anonymous said...

You hve described exactly how I am feeling at the moment. It is almost 7 months since Jamie died and I feel like I have coped better that I ever expected to yet I am now hit by a future which lies ahead of me and he will be missing forever. I am both depressed and happy - I need to live in the moment - the future is too hard to think about.