on wearing my rue with a difference
I know we all grieve differently. I know that sorrow is not one size fits all. I know I have to find my own way through this. But sometimes what I'd really like is to find someone who feels exactly the same way I do.
I didn't want to see the twins or to hold them or to keep anything that would remind me of them. And when I say "didn't want to" what I really mean is that it would have taken something on the order of a gun to my head to make me change my mind. I don't expect anyone to remember the dates of the twin's deaths. And I've already said how much I hate to hear their names spoken.
But, looking around, I can see that's not exactly the most common reaction. And it makes me I wonder why I can't mourn the way other mothers mourn.
35 comments:
I don't think I grieve like everyone else. I don't think I grieve like ANYONE else.
There's no rule book for what is the right thing to do at the hospital. I wish there was, because I'd feel so much less guilt, if I knew what I should have done. You are just in so much shock, that you just do the best you can. I have decided that no matter what I did, I would have felt guilty. With my stillbirth, I was adamant that I would not see/hold the baby, but I changed my mind in the moment. I'm glad that I did, but I don't know what made me change my mind. That was the right thing for me, but for others it would be totally wrong.
I have not spoken the names of my babies. I can't. I can't go to the cemetery. I can't look at the trunk with the stuff from the hospital. I can't even look at the closet that the trunk is in. I don't think that's like other people's reactions.
You know what else? You've written that you wonder why you can't mourn like other mothers mourn. I can't even refer to myself as a mother. And I don't think that that's the common reaction, either.
Well, when you say "others" are you referring to other bloggers? Or do you know many other women IRL who have lost babies?
If you're referring to other bloggers, don't you think a certain kind of person is likely to blog about loss? Someone who wants to forget is a lot less likely to keep dredging it up by writing about it all the time.
I have a friend from off the web who went through pretty much what I went through--lateish term pregnancy loss--opted for the D&E. She didn't name the baby. She's always told me she's happy she didn't see the baby. I don't think you're the only person who feels that way at all.
I agree with the others here that everyone wears their grief in different ways. I sure hope that you're not hearing from a lot of people that the way you grieve is "wrong". I don't think there is a right or wrong way because each and every person is different. No one has been through exactly the same experiences you have, so no one can tell you that how you are feeling is wrong.
I personally find comfort in the fact that I named my girls. I have one special book full of clippings and other items that remind me of them. But I will also tell you that I rarely refer to the babies by name in front of other people, for fear of making others uncomfortable. I also rarely look through the book I made. I just hurts too much. But then again, I couldn't bear to throw it away, either. So for now, it sits in a closet.
I think the only person your grief is for is you--and it may be that it is surprising you that this is what you need. Or maybe not? I agree with others that there is no need to compare, but if triangulating your process off of other people's process helps you understand yourself, then I hope you find those answers.
Well... would it help to know that there are other mothers who have mourned as you have and are? I can tell you there are, because I know some of them. I wish I could hook you up but considering they don't like to speak of their losses that would be impossible.
I will also say that my ways of mourning continue to change and shift over time too. I have gone through very private periods, and then less so. It's all so individual I guess.
I think the ways you have chosen to express yourself here demonstrate what a unique and beautiful spirit you have. Your grief is unique to you, and really that's true for everyone.
I think, maybe, that most people who grieve the way you do don't keep blogs on the subject.
Of course, once you've started using the term "most people" ...
You're not the only one.
I don't have it in me to go into details right now, but I do know of a woman (from the online support group that I used to "go" to) who didn't want to see her baby. She also felt like she was alone in that.
I agree with Vixanne...I think it is a lot more common for women who grieve more "openly" to have blogs and whatnot.
Oiy, Niobe, I don't know. I think Vixianne has a point here - those of us who blog may skew the observations a bit.
It hurts to see, though, that you're struggling both with feeling alone in how you mourn, and at the same time, as you've said on my blog, with facing family members who think you're mourning too much. You must feel pressed from all sides.
You know, in all honesty, you are one of the bloggers whom I admire for the way you express your pain and your affection for your twins. It doesn't have to all be so literal, but I don't know how to express myself otherwise. You capture sentiments in a few sentences that it would take me pages to get out.
Do you know about the Theory of Multiple Intelligences? I am thinking that very similarly, we all have different things that work for us emotionally, and there is no reason why these things have to be uniform or even similar for different people, even in very similar situations.
Grieving is so much more complicated than people realize. Even if you knew 20 others who grieved as you, it's something that is so individual, so singular in it experience that it can make anyone feel alone.
Thank you for stopping by and understanding my grief.
That's what we need more of: not similar ways to grieve, but more understanding and empathy when we do.
DD said it best, I think:
That's what we need more of: not similar ways to grieve, but more understanding and empathy when we do.
"I know we all grieve differently. I know that sorrow is not one size fits all. I know I have to find my own way through this. But sometimes what I'd really like is to find someone who feels exactly the same way I do."
AMEN!
Back I March I commented on your grieving style only to be slagged off by your readers who wouldnt accept that I grieved openly and honestly, and with as much optimism as grief allows.
I love looking at my babies clothes, I took comfort in holding my babies for the brief time I could even though they werent alive, and I have their tiny pots of ashes in a safe place, because I figure if I cant look after them in life, I can certainly keep them with me forever in death.
As for not "being" a mother as Meg commented, well, my own mother isnt a mother either. She didnt have any surviving children. I was adopted, and its often blackly joked that in exchange for her love I also took on her curse.
If I end up exactly like her, so be it. I know I will end up with the child (or cat, if thats how things end up) that I was meant to have, biological or otherwise.
Amanda, I am sorry for your losses. I really am. And while the way I grieve is apparently a lot closer to your way than to Niobe's, I am really shocked by the things you say.
I really don't understand your definition of a mother. For me, the fact that you are adopted does not change the fact that your mother is a mother.
I also somehow missed your comments back in March. I went back now and found them. I am sorry, but they seem mean and judgmental. And in no way helpful. But mostly judgmental.
Niobe makes the words sing her pain and sadness, which is both beautiful and difficult to do. If that brings her comfort, why does it bother you?
And perhaps it is not apparent to you if you just come by once in a while, but those of us listening closely have, without a doubt, been hearing a new theme in the symphony lately. It's fragile still, but it's definitely there. I think it's hope.
Like the others I think we have to grieve our own way. It does help to know that others have similar reactions to us but it will never be the same.
I don't think any 2 mothers grieve the same. I know that I don't grieve like anyone else I know- and unfortunately I know too many women irl and through the blogosphere that have lost babies. And none of them grieve the same.
When I lost my first twins, I was adamant I didn't want to see them, but when I started bleeding out and thought I was going to die I changed my mind. My second loss, I did see them- but they were born alive and I wanted to be with them as they died.
I have no idea where I'm going with this- maybe some lame 'you're not alone' - but grief has no handbook or guidelines...
niobe, I believe our ways of grieving are as different as our temperaments, and Lord knows there is plenty of scope for that in human beings.
I remember my aunt and uncle telling me my father had a severe alcohol problem the summer after my mother died in May, and while it was certainly true that he was finding his own form of anesthesia, by fall he was more like himself again, by Thanksgiving reflecting on their lives together in an amazingly evolved way for a man in his 70's.
Can we not allow each other to find our own paths without feeling judged by that of another?
Seeing the baby I lost was not an option due to the procedure recommended by the doctor, who I believe truly had my best interests at heart. That phantom childbirth stayed with me a long, long time. If there were stages of grief, I didn't appear to be progressing through anything. But, eventually, and in my own way, I got better. (Mostly.)
There is no way to live through grief except your own way.
I would just echo everyone else's comments. Grieving, like living (which one has to do to grieve even though one may not feel like it)is a journey and/or a process. There are many ways to get to the same destination...that is if one has a certain destination in mind. Perhaps that may be part of the issue...what would a healthy destination look like??? Yeah, guys think linear much of the time and are too goal oriented. I realize that this grieving will last a lifetime if not more. Its not something one ever wants to forget nor should but how does one functionally live with it. Its as though life co-exists with death.
Everbody is differnt. Even in the same family. My husband deals a whole differnt way then I do. I love to hear my childs name and for people to rememiber her. But my husband would be happy if nobody ever spoke of her again. I take joy in looking at her things and would be sad to forget her. But that is how I deal with it.
There is not one certain way somebody should deal with the loss of a child. Differnt people need to do what works best for them.
There is not right or wrong when it comes to grieveing.
I was going to say what Vixanne said.
I know (IRL) someone who grieves her losses similarly to the way you do. We have in fact never discussed our respective experiences in much detail (which are both similar and different, as these things so often are) and she seems to 'forget' that i had Nicolas as well as my living children. It is her way of dealing and i respect that, so i go out of my way not to bring the subject of him up with her.
I actually think this is a very common way of reacting to the situation, and as everyone else said, there is no right and wrong. I do wonder how you can go about finding others, though....
I don't feel like I grieve like other people either. I go to a support group IRL and I feel like i'm an outsider there-which I feel is weird since we're all there for the same reasons. Although I did hold my son and right after it happened I did look at his stuff and go to the cemetery alot now I don't do any of that and the door to his room stays shut. I also feel different because as of now i have no plans to have more children(its been over 1 1/2 years and he was my only) And even though I always hear 'everyone grieves differently' its hard for me not to compare how i'm handling it to others. -Anne
Sending supportive hugs. I have no words of wisdom on the subject.
We all have different protocols for grief, as you already have said. And, somehow we all need to be able to relate to another person and know that we are not alone in our protocol. Honestly, I don't have warm and cuddly feelings for the fetus that I lost. When it died and I was incubating a corpse, I wanted that thing sucked out immediately. That fetus quickly turned from my baby-to-be to the corpse I was carrying around like I was a friggin' body bag. We got a cake the day we found out Pooter was dead. Then we wrote on top of the cake, "Get out of dodge, Pooter!" Not exactly the warm sentimentality others were prone to, but it worked for us.
Everyone who said we each deal with grief in our own way, is right on. There is no right or wrong way.
My first two losses I didn't deal with at all and I ended up on happy pills.
The third time I found it best to talk about it all the time, to think about it all the time and to say her name all the time. Its been a year and a half and still no happy pills.
That worked for me.
I have another friend who never speaks of her four losses, ever! She never saw any of them, they don't have names.
She never took happy pills.
See, her way worked for her, it didn't for me.
Simple as that sometimes.
Do whatever you feel will work best for you even if your not sure of what that may be. Don't take example from others and throw away the guilt.
We're here to support you, not tell you how to or for how long.
XXX
I feel like I have to clarify what I meant in my post, because a reference to it appeared in another comment.
Of course, I was a mother. I gave birth to one stillborn girl and 2 living twins (who died shortly after). What I meant was, I cannot REFER to myself as a mother. To me, I am so trauamatized that I can't say that word. I meant this only as an example of how we grieve differently. Niobe, you can refer to yourself as a mother...I can't.
And as for comparison to adoption, I'm sorry, what I wrote here has no refernce to adoption. I, too, am adopted and of course an adoptive mother, is a mother! It's about my feelings, not a debate as to the definition of a mother.
If I caused any confusion, or anyone to feel badly, I'm sorry. I am filled with so much grief myself, I would never, ever want my words to hurt anyone.
Thanks to Vixanne W; Pengo; Basilbean, Sara and Kate for pointing out the selection bias in the sample I'm looking at. You're all absolutely right.
::smacking head:: Why didn't I think of that?
And I'm relieved to see some people (Meg, Vixanne's friend, Basilbean's friend, Lori's friends, Patience, ajw5403's husband, Kate's friend, Anne-onymous, Artblog's friend) who have at least some of the same kind of feelings and reactions that I do.
Because, as Lori points out, if people don't want to talk about their loss, almost by definition, I'm not going to hear their voices.
And to everyone who points out that there are as many ways to grieve as there are people (Kathy McC, S., Julia, dd, Slouching Mom, Caro, Songbird, Lee, Artblog), I completely agree with you. It's just that sometimes it seems that the person I have most trouble empathizing with is myself.
Meg: No need to apologize. I understood exactly what you meant.
To everyone who said nice things about my blogging: thank you.
And, finally, Nicole: What can I say? I'm LMAO (however inappropriately).
I am late to the game here, just wanted to say that another aspect is that people change over time.
I have known women IRL who are like you, or have gone through variants, and they changed over time. I know one women who couldn't do anything until after she had had a living child, and another who could only deal with it years later.
I'm not saying you will change and suddenly want to see pictures or say their names, but it might happen.
I do believe it can be extremely unhealthy if it slips into complete denial that a pregnancy or loss or grief ever occurred, but you aren't doing that, since you are writing this blog, right?
Meg, I just wanted to make sure to clarify what I said. I completely understood what you were saying. I commented that it was Amanda's definition of motherhood that troubled me. I really hope that was clear, and I apologize if it wasn't.
Don't worry Julia. No-one could have possibly thought that you were the one making trouble.
I work with seniors and when one loses a spouse some still have their things set up like a shrine after 10 years. Some wait a year or two and then start packin things. Some put away a few things at a time until they are down to one or two special momentoes. There are those few who go home from the funeral home and throw every single thing out...move in the following few months and never look back. Sometimes it's too painful for them to bear and it's their way of moving on and living. You do what you have to do when you have to do it. But be careful to be healthy in your other relationships. Praying for you...
Julia, yes it was that definition too that bothered me. And bringing up adoption when it didn't seem to make sense to do so--in reference to what I was saying. It totally get it--no apologies needed!
I have a feeling perhaps one of my postings on my own blog contributed to your feeling this way. If so, I'm so sorry. I know that I have a cedar chest full of S's things and many pictures. I hope I didn't imply that's the way it should be. That's certainly not what I meant. For my own self and my own grieving, that's how I need it. I understand not everyone is that way. I know a few IRL women who grieve in a similar way as you. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry if I made you feel there is.
Angel Mom -- Please, please don't think that what you wrote had anything at all to do with my thoughts about my own grief.
Your post was beautiful and touching and sad. But even if I'd never read it, I would still be questioning myself and my own feelings. If you look back at my old posts, you'll see I've been thinking and worrying about the same issue for months.
No one grieves the same way, no matter how it seems. Yes, there is a way that society deems "proper", but it's complete and utter bullshit. And the expectation only makes us feel more f*cked up than we already feel.
Adrienne -- What can I say except that you're absolutely right?
At least I do the feeling f*cked up part pretty well.
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