the other baby
Every day, it seems, I'm becoming less and less liable to burst into tears at the sight of someone else's baby. Yesterday, I noticed a very pregnant woman holding a sleeping baby against her chest and my heart continued to beat out its steady lub-dub rhythm. This morning, at Starbucks, I saw a pair of barefooted boy-girl twins sitting in a jogging stroller, partly covered by a faux-leopard fleece blanket, and thought only how chilly they must be.
There's one exception. Almost a year ago, Drew, one of my many stepbrothers, got married. At the reception, the bride held up a glass of champagne and, laughing, announced to the guests exactly why she wouldn't be drinking it. I don't think I've ever seen anyone happier. She was about eight weeks along and, though I'm sure that everyone looked very closely, there wasn't even a hint of a bulge under her off-white, off-the-shoulder gown. I had just found out I was pregnant, but hadn't told anyone. Even then, I marvelled at her confidence.
As soon as it became clear that my pregnancy was not going to turn out well, I cut off all contact with Drew and his wife. They sent me a sympathetic card after the twins died. When their baby, Emma, was born, I bought her a pink and darker pink striped outfit. A very nice thank you note arrived a few days later, hoping that I would come to see Emma, "when I was ready." The words burned and I couldn't rip the note up quickly enough. I sent them another present later, but made it absolutely clear that I did not want to hear from them. And I didn't.
9 comments:
When I was newly pregnant a card came in the mail from some friends of ours congratulating us and sharing their news that they were expecting their first child a week after us. They wrote, "We will be growing right along with you."
We made a point to spend a lot of time with each other, and were even scheduling child birth classes together. We had dinner at their house two days before I went into labor...they were one of the first phone calls checking on us in the hospital. I still remember Mr. C lying to her on the phone saying that everything was fine. He didn't want to scare her.
They did come to the funeral, but since then I have only seen then once or twice at social occasions.
I have successfully avoided seeing their baby and will continue to try not to see her for as long as possible.
(o)
Oh Niobe, that's so sad. I'm sorry that happened.
There were some other pregnant women I knew around the same time that I lost Matthew and to this day I can't look at their kids, who would be the exact same age. Trouble is that I did eventually end up seeing one by chance, I really had to brace myself to make it through.
I am impressed and gladdened by your (lack of) reaction to the babies.
And OF COURSE that other situation is so, so different. It seems not unlike the distinction one makes when an ex-boyfriend ends up with someone known versus a stranger.
People have no idea what IF and the loss of babies can do to the depth of your feelings. Everyone has their own way to deal, everyone finds their own way...I hope everyone you know can understand and respect that.
I, too, have certain babies/children that I try to avoid. There is a certain little girl that goes to my church that was born 2 days after my daughter S. Even 6 years later, it still hurts me each and every time I see her. My sister, SIL, and I were all pregnant at the same time 2 years ago. They went on to have healthy daughters while I had a miscarriage. I still think about R each time I see my nieces and how there should be a 3rd grandchild that same age running around.
For me, it's the other way around-- I can see and even hold the baby who was supposed to be A's best friend, but probably because both us and the friends whose baby this is made a conscious effort to remain close. On the other hand, random little babies can get me pretty bad. Not older babies, and not older kids. But the babies of indeterminate age that I think could be about A's age-- that's not too good nowdays. Also, their mothers, as they nonchalantly go about mothering. And pregnant women who confidently go about their pregnant glowing. Yeah, not so much. Especially not when they get together with aforementioned mothers and chat about things pregnancy and baby-related.
I am really impressed that you were able to send a present and a card. My sister and I were due around the same time. After I lost my twins, I could not send a gift or card. I don't think I have handled it well, but I could not do more at the time. To this day, I could not go into a baby store.
I can't look at strollers at all--and when there's twins, it just makes it ache all the more. And seeing toddlers really hurts, as that's the age they would have been, had they lived.
I'm sorry, it's so awful. I wish I could tell you that those reminders go away. I think the pain does fade over time (I don't actually believe that, I'm just trying to convince myself!) But maybe, it is true for some people.
For me it was a sister-in-law, my brother's wife, and their baby was due two weeks before mine. I gave her a sweater I had made for my baby, knitted in part during the time we knew things might be wrong. At the time it felt hopeful to keep knitting, but then I didn't want to see the sweater.
I didn't tell her it had been for my baby. She never really thanked me for it. And when she was "finished" with it, she sent it back to me, although I had no baby to wear it. Let's just say that wasn't her best move ever.
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