i have a bad feeling about this
I always expect the worst. I find it saves time.
Of course, having led with such a provocative and categorical statement, I will now proceed to soften it, back pedal, water it down. Because, yes, it’s true that I’ve had any number of good things happen to me. In fact, if someone were charged with making an absolutely impartial reckoning, the conclusion would undoubtedly be that I’ve had far more than my share of good fortune. But I’ve also taken a few sucker punches, which hurt all the more because I never saw them coming. And so right now, I’m braced for something bad to happen, for the other shoe to do something a good deal more painful than merely drop.
22 comments:
Oh, you tease, you.
It may end up being all good. It may...
I hope it turns out not as you expect, but as you hope.
~Ruby~
it's taken me two years since my shoe kicked me in my metaphorical balls to even begin to believe that the sky is not about to fall on me particularly, at any given moment.
it's nice, i will admit, not to be quite so weighed down with the quiet certainty of dread. but i think the bracing will always be there, in the way i stand.
What is "this"?
I’ve had far more than my share of good fortune.
True in my case as well, but not enough good enough to make up for the worst of the bad.
That's how I lived through infertility - just expecting the worst because it was much better than letting hope in the door only to have her burn the house down.
-Suz
Sara: "this" is, basically, well, everything. I feel like something terrible and unexpected is right around the corner, but have no idea what form it will take.
Niobe, I suspect a lot of us deal with that uncertainty. Truthfully though, as you say, a dispassionate examination would definitely reveal that most of us get more than our fair share of good stuff.
Law of averages perhaps? :)
Peace,
~Chani
Unexplained dread. Keeps you up at night. I know it well.
I have a feeling you will be just fine in the end...go out and do something active to try and stop worrying about the dread. Distract yourself, and it may just disappear.
Oh okay as long as it's everything and not something specific I won't worry. I hope your concerns aren't justified and that things improve from here for a good long while.
I've been feeling like that as well many times over the course of my IF..(more so lately since I my last failure). I keep thinking that something bad is going to happen. I was afraid to hope because it got me no where so I started to expect the worst as well. I think its a defensive mechanism to ease the pain. Hang in there and hope good things come your way soon. Thanks for your comment on my blog by the way.
I'm sorry you have the "feeling of impending doom" as my sister and I refer to it...it colors everything. I hope only the best for you, today and always...
At least I can say in my case, "What worse could possibly happen?"
Or I thought I could because now I'm wondering where that other shoe could be lurking.
Yeah, I get that.
You wouldn't happen to know any good shoe-sniffing dogs? Cause seems like a few of us could use one of those.
Ever notice that the more we focus on the negative, or the "something bad" happening, living in anticipation of the next disaster - even preparing for it as much as we feel possible, keeping our guard up, that eventually it actually comes to pass...? Then we can say, "see, I told you it was going to happen".
Maybe thinking about things with this little acronym in mind (F.E.A.R.=False Evidence Appearing Real) will change your perception, maybe even offer a glimmer of enjoyable hope, a ray that can wrap it's warmth around you and begin to melt away the cold, lonely feelings of loss and despair, because Niobe, you really are due for some good fortune and some luck - let it happen, you deserve it.
I feel like I'm desperate for a stretch of calm waters. Not sure how long between the breakers would feel like calm, though. At this point I think I'm due a couple of years.
I get that at times, then I just ignore it because most of the time its just lack of sleep that make me paranoid :)
It'll be alright on the night!
Life, like nature, has a way of finding "balance" it seems although it might not occur in this life. For example, there are people that step into s__t and come up smelling like a rose with nearly every step...and then there are those that try not to step on any cracks in the sidewalk and end up being run over by a semi. Go figure!
I know what you are saying though. Many people finally reach a place where everything seems to be running better than ever and they wonder when they will hit a pothole. I say enjoy today. I know I enjoy reading your blog :)
so glad to have found your site. you've stopped by mine before, and for some reason the link didn't work and I couldn't get to you. But this time I got to you! I'll be back.
And I noticed I'm in your blogroll. Blush. I think you're the first one to put me there. Thanks so much. You've made my day!
And about that shoe thing... I hope they are some fabulous shoes (in my case, that would mean very comfortable sandals, but perhaps for someone else spikey stilletos. Whatever works for you...)
I never see it coming.... even after all the sucker punches I've taken, I still don't see them coming. Maybe that makes me an optimist? I think maybe it does.
I always expect the worst too and I am freaking sick of the sucker punches. I now see them coming--all the time.
I'm in a little late in my response, but I had to add this. Friends of mine were discussing whether they were "glass half full" or "glass half empty" type of people. I couldn't really decide what I was so I searched online for a quiz (there is a quiz for everything out there! LOL) and took it. It told me my glass was completely empty!
Glass completely empty meant that you weren't expecting good, but you also weren't really anticipating bad things. It was more that I was expecting nothing. And if something good happened then GREAT! But if something bad happened, it wasn't that I was expecting it, but it really didn't surprise me. And that probably explains me best. Not expecting it and dreading it, but it wasn't a big surprise that it happened.
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