avoidance and denial
Observant readers will already have noticed that I haven't said anything about the meeting with the surrogate. That's not because it didn't go well. That is to say (reworking the sentence to remove the double negative), it went well. It went fine. It went swimmingly. It went all but flawlessly.
But the idea that this thing may actually be going forward in the relatively near future makes me swallow hard and sleep badly. I'm terrified that it won't work. I'm terrified that it will work. I try and fail to imagine myself going to any of the prenatal appointments or ultrasounds. And I've decided that I'm not telling anyone IRL about any of this until and unless I bring home an actual baby. Because if I don't think about it or talk about it, it's almost exactly as if it isn't happening. Right? Right?
38 comments:
Good luck with that - the surrogate and the denial.
In all seriousness, I will be hoping with all my heart and soul that this works out for you. So so glad the meeting went well. And you know we'll all be here no matter what.
I wondered if the coffee excursion would get mentioned, but I figured we'd hear about it when you were ready...or when you couldn't stand us asking about it anymore!
I am absolutely of the belief that if you don't acknowledge and talk about something then it is definitely not real. I don't blame you - I don't think that I would tell people I knew either...at least not for a LONG time...
Good luck -- my fingers are crossed for you that everything works out!
Sometimes good news is the hardest to hear. Good news can come with a lot of caveats and new responsibilities. Terror and doubt are part of the game at this point, I fear. And I certainly don't judge your idea to leave this unsaid. I sure know if it were me, I would. (But you will give *us* some news, right? RIGHT?)
I find that a glass or three of wine makes things easier. But that may not be a sustainable practice for the next 10+ months. Denial doesn't tend to work as well for me, but YMMV, so I am all for it for you (does that parse?).
Either way, may the process go smoothly regardless of whether or not you are thinking about it.
um...maybe? i end up feeling pretty exposed by the public-ness of hoping, especially under circumstances where i don't control the discourse (ie. outside of magic blog world) so i can see the temptation not to tell. but...um...yeh, i think it might not be entirely possible or healthy not to, erm, process the possibility whatsoever.
but that's what we're here for. :)
It works for me every time.
A dose of denial does me good sometimes. I'm all for whatever it takes to get us from sunset to sundown.
~Carole
I can imagine how emotional it all must be. Hang in there, good luck, warm wishes.
Julie
Using My Words
Nothing really happens unless it is observed.
What is in the photo? Looks like some sort of frame on a couch. Kind of.
Lori: I'd printed out some photos I took as possible candidates for holiday cards, and a took a picture of them against some curtain fabric I had lying around.
I cannot even imagine what I would do in your situation. It is very, very hard to want something and have others know that you want something. I imagine I'd also spend a fair bit of time paddling down that river in Egypt.
Those things we hope for most are so fleeting - I understand not wanting to talk about them in real life so as not to make the possible hurt hurt more.
The Whitehead approach.. If that's what works best for you, then run with it. :) I can understand your reasoning.
maybe that's a fine way to be. my mother has been in denial for twenty years, and actually i think that's the only way she has survived.
i'm excited for you. glad it's finally getting started for you. although, of course, i have a lot less vested in the process.
plus it's early. you could end up feeling different.
I wondered about your meeting, but since I am very best friends with both denial and avoidance, I didn't want to ask. I figured you'd tell us when you are ready.
I am glad it went well, and I am going to give you that tired cliche-One day at a time. It has gotten me through 36 weeks.
I will be hoping and praying for you, like I always do! Avoidance is my favorite thing - I had been working on a post called "the avoidance of things." Funny you should mention avoidance. Well, denial too is powerful. Denial only works for me though when I don't know I'm in it. Once the denial is lifted, once the illusion is ripped off of everything, as it sometimes is - I can never get back to that same place of denial again. It's never the same. I suppose that is when I opt for avoidance.
Glad it all went well. As for denial? I think it might just be my middle name, at this point.
perfect title.
;)
glad to hear it went well. we don't need all the details (although, you know, we're a nosy bunch, so we'd love to have them!)
I get it. I really, REALLY, do.
I can only imagine your dilemma. It's one of the reasons we opted not to pursue this path. The emotional pressure coupled with the already flattened bank account moved us in the other direction. I admire those who have the stamina to forge ahead.
RIGHT!
XXX
so glad the meeting went well!
but totally understand your self preservation, lock down mode.
(& I so hope you can forgive any & all of my shitty grammer)
Well, denial works for awhile, but someday, you will have hope sneak in, really.
I was in serious denial and I'm starting to feel more hopeful. I think it's unavoidable eventually.
it must all be so so so scary. i wish i had more words, words that would reassure you about everything. hang int here.
ps--i'm coming back, don't worry. i already miss everyone!
Hoping and praying for you. Do what you feel most comfortable with, so that you get at least some sleep.
I'm thrilled for you that the meeting went smoothly. And I can certainly understand your trepidation about much of it.
When you get close to the end of a journey, sometimes you think maybe its better to just stay home. But what magical place this path might lead you to?
You've had so many false starts in this process, but you've never feared it actually happening. Or you've never expressed that fear. You must really feel like this is it.
It is scary to get what you want.
I am not good at denial. It keeps me up at night. If it works for you, then go for it. If it causes you stress and insomnia, you may have to acknowledge things, just a little.
I think not telling anyone IRL until there is a baby in a stroller is a perfectly logical, and fantastic idea! If I could have not told anyone about Pumpkin until she was born, I would have. The enormous belly I was carrying around though eliminated that possibility.
I'm glad it went well.
You have to deal with this in the way that works for you. And I find denial much easier than acceptence, as well.
Either way, I'm thinking good thoughts for you right now.
Right - it's that magical thinking thing.
Does anyone in your family know? Know that you've even been pursuing this?
WOW I can't even imagine! You made me get butterflies just thinking about this coming true for you!
HUGS!
Yep, I'm with you there. When I was pregnant after Ben died, I didn't talk about it. Somewhat weird, being obviously pregnant, but I felt like if I didn't talk about it, it couldn't be real, and maybe if it all went wrong, it would be easier.
If that's what it takes, that's what it takes.
Magpie: Nope. No-one knows. Well, except all of you.
i guess an upside to having a surrogate is you don't have to deal with all those annoying fertiles who insist you get cheerful about a pregnancy you just can't quite believe in.
I am so loving denial - it has helped me thru many a situation that I'd rather not acknowledge.... here's hoping xxx
You have to deal with it the way you have to deal with it. There is no rule that says you need to tell people.
The idea that talking about things and getting them out in the open is always best is quite popular but not exactly true. Sometimes a little silence is needed to deal with difficult issues...and, I would certainly classify this as difficult.
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