a family of strangers
As I've probably mentioned, I'm the eldest of an insanely enormous blended and reshuffled family. I don't have much contact with my numerous step- and half- siblings and my feelings about them range from a distant, but genuine, affection to a mild -- or, in a couple of cases, not-so-mild -- dislike. There are at least three or four of them that I haven't spoken to in years.
Most of my siblings ignored the twins' deaths -- but we're not really close enough for me to have expected them to do anything to acknowledge it. One of them sent me a sympathy note after the twins died, but he has a little girl the same age that the twins would have been, so I can't imagine wanting to ever see or hear from him or his wife again.
I don't think about my siblings much, except to wonder why their children are all alive and well. But at this time of year, I try to imagine what they're doing as I type out their names and addresses, placing orders for Christmas presents. I don't get them anything large or personal -- usually stuff for the house or gourmet food. I do it for me, not them, since I'm fairly sure that they don't want or appreciate the gifts. But it saddens me to think that I have such a large family, many of whom love and care about each other, and every one of them is a stranger to me.
edited to add: On re-reading this, I'm afraid I've given an overly negative view of my sibs. Even if I'm not close to them, objectively, they are, for the most part, caring, charming, clever, and lots of other good adjectives. Three of them (that I know of) even have blogs, though they post about things like politics, sports, books, and art, avoiding anything remotely personal. I'd give you the links, but none of them know about my blog and I'd like to keep it that way.
24 comments:
I'm not sure what to say, Niobe. This post makes me sad, too.
I'm sorry Niobe. I am, truly. I posted about this sort of thing today, too...just a different angle, is all.
I've begun believing a family is something you build.
Julie
Using My Words
Some think family is everything. I think understanding is. Even well-meaning family can hurt you beyond expression.
This makes me so sad. As you know - I'm not close to my family, other than my brother. Even that sometimes, lately, feels strained and complicated. He was the one family member that I always thought would be a constant. But he is busy with his own life and what was supposed to be a week or so with them at Christmas has turned into a couple of days. I know, life happens, things come up, and I am selfish - but that's all I have - my brother and sister-in-law, and right now, it doesn't feel like enough. I agree with the comment, you make your own family out of the people you choose - thing is - I can't seem to get myself to do that. I just isolate instead.
I have a fairly large family, but we're spread out all over the country and don't see each other much. Even those of us that live close together aren't close in any either way. I think at Christmas I mourn the family I wanted but didn't get.
I'm saddened too. I got some optimistic news at the doctors office today. When the tech stepped out, I thought who I wanted to call to right away. There wasn't anyone. All I wanted to do was to "see" my friends in the computer.
You know enough of my history to put this in context:
I am 100% with Julie on this one. Family is something we build.. with people we choose because they uplift us and enrich our lives.
There's no stake in missing what we don't have.. but filling that space with what we can have.
If it's miffy, let it go.
(I'm going to answer your comment on my site within the next few hours.)
Family, by blood or marriage relation entitles its members to nothing really. I agree with the above comments that stress that a family must be built, and sadly, sometimes many of its members have no desire or will to do the work it takes to build a strong family unit.
Take care.
It is hard and weird and sad.
I have some step-siblings from my father's second marriage. That woman was a terrible step-mother, and evidently a terrible mother. I learned this a couple of years ago when I saw those kids for the first time in years (like 20-25 years) while they were cleaning out their mother's house in preparation for sale. The first thing the one said to me was "I'm sorry for how awful my mother was to you kids". It was truly strange, and moving, though I rather wanted a drink at 8 in the morning.
You know that you have a "family" here.
This is sad, Niobe. As they say, you can chose your friends, but not your family. I'm sorry yours does not contain more people you get along with well (it's never all of them anyway, in my experience).
What made me even more sad is that you think they don't want or appreciate your gifts. I'm sure you would find others who do, but I know that's not the point.
I have to agree with Julie. I think that you might be born into a family, but your real family is what you make it when you realize what you are looking for. And for some people the two are the same...but for some people they aren't.
I am in the same boat, Niobe but I choose to be after learning the hard way; too many futile efforts. I have made my family by way of marriage and friends...and even some online.
I think I quoted Peter Gabriel over on Carole's blog, but to repeat:
All the strangers look like family/
All the family looks so strange.
I'm finding at this time, this year, the people I most want to gift are my neighbors, and people in the computer. And those I share a house with, thank goodness. I'm turning in an awful lot. Personally, I think the fact that you even *think* about them, and if their children are ok, and how you feel when you send something, is really very nice; I often wonder if certain family members think of us at all.
I am sorry that you do not have them in your life. I know just how this feels.
Emily R
I think there must be some big similarities between the step family thing and the birth family thing.
I sort of had this large family just magically appear one day, when I found my birthmom. They are amazing people too, but we really are very much strangers.
It also is hard for me, because they are uber fertile and pop kids out like crazy. Like you, I have wondered why they got to keep their kids, while I didn't? Why, in their case, shouting the pregnancy news from the rooftops, after the HPT, meant a live, take home baby?
We are related by blood, but we couldn't have more different lives. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel like I belong with them, with my adoptive family (well they are crazy anyway) or with my in-laws. If not for all of you in blogland, I most certainly would be almost completely alone. If family can't be there for you, you gotta make your own. I truly believe that. And for what it's worth, Niobe, if I could choose a big sister, I'm fairly sure you would be at the top of the list. Your siblings don't know what they are missing.
I always find it amazing how often family members seem to know the least about each other. Like Meg, I have to think your sibs don't really "know" you otherwise they would never want such a distant relationship.
My husband is very distant with his family and he is remarkably comfortable with that reality. He has said more than once that he could never have grown into the man, father and husband he is today if he had remained within that circle of dysfunction. He got out a long time ago and never looked back.
After reading this, and your edit, I never got a negative view of them. I got a sense of saddness that you aren't closer with them.
What do they get you? (for holidays - you buy them all presents, do they do the same for you? For your family?)
I read your post, and your edit, and every comment. And I want to leave a comment, but I'm just not sure what to say. I'm sorry it's this way seems very inadequate.
How many of them are there?
That all does sound sad. I'm sorry. Are you sure you wouldn't feel even better taking the money you save not getting them gifts and buying yourself or your immediate family something great?
I thought the same as My reality.
I come from a large family too but I don't necessarily get on with all of my siblings, we have so different personalities. Sometimes that's just the way it is with siblings. My FIL has only one sibling, a sister, they hate each other. i often wonder how you can grow up so close with just one sibling and still end up disliking one another. He just accepts it that way even though it obviously saddens him too.
XXX
That is a shame, but the truth is being related to someone doesn't mean you have anything else in common with them or have to like them.
I have to wonder if they feel the same? Do they perhaps want to be close, but don't know how, or even what to say?
They may just not know you very well. but that doesn't mean that it isn't possible for you to someday to speak to them, and for you all to get closer.
everyone's said it already, but i agree -- sometimes you have to build your own family.
i have. it's small, but in intimacy it more than compensates.
Oh Niobe. how this post hit home. I fell out with my sisters and remaining brother after my mother died. Such a cliche, but have not seen or spoken to them in 3 years.
But I find myself thinking about them constantly as I prepare for Christmas, wondering how they're doing, if they miss me as much as I miss them.
But, as many before me have said, I have what I call my Created Family and I continue to add to it and be grateful for the wonderful people in it who willing give so that we all can live with the shelter of each other.
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