Tuesday, March 25, 2008

poetic justice

I suppose this serves me right. I know I've written, probably far too often and far too stridently, that I don't need or want to know all the nitty-gritty details of the IVF cycle. But, in the last week or so, as I've been trying to get some rough idea of what the schedule looks like, I've discovered that the surrogate, Kyrie, is extremely resistant to providing information about things like appointments or dates and doesn't seem especially interested in returning my calls or emails. Luckily, because it's an FET, the whole thing can take place entirely without my participation. But I'm sure that somewhere, someone is looking down and laughing at me.

edited to add: I got a very nice email from Kyrie this morning. So maybe things are improving.

edited again to add: The title of this post suddenly reminded me of an old movie starring Janet Jackson, which was called Poetic Justice for the worst of all possible reasons. You see, the main character was named Justice. And she (wait for it)........................wrote poetry. I am so not kidding.

33 comments:

Beruriah said...

Not me. Although unless you're very very short I couldn't look down on you for anything. But I'm just hoping you're ok w/Kyrie's reticence, and ever so quietly hopeful for you....

slouching mom said...

Maybe her reticence, which in a surrogate is new to you, signals that this one is going to go differently than your last experience.

I am hoping for you, whether or not you wish to hope for yourself.

I've got your back, my friend.

xo

Julie Pippert said...

And yet, what it is, is another choice taken from you. A loss of power, again. Or anyway, that's how it would bug me on some level. So forgive my presumption.

It's one thing for you to choose to not want to be a part of every little detail.

It's another to withhold that from you.

Perhaps if she understood why, and how, maybe she'd be less reticent, if you wanted her to be. I think she needs to be open to your terms, even if they shift a bit.

(HUGS) to you. This is, to say the least, a challenge.

Again, hope I didn't go across a line here.

Ms. Planner said...

While fully admitting that I don't know the fine details about the surrogacy relationship, I would expect there to be some ground rules about what information you are hoping to receive from her.

For me, to be in the dark on something so important would drive me a little mad. You seem to be handling it well though. Hoping she calls you back.

Lori said...

Sometimes it's a blessing to be uninvolved in the process; just notified of the product.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon.

niobe said...

beruriah: Since I'm not quite 5'2" the vast majority of people are capable of looking down on me. But I've always found there are lots of advantages to being short -- including being able to buy clothes in the children's department.

meg said...

That is kind of strange that she's not keeping in touch too much. That being said, I would rather not know too much, I think.

Niobe, I am also a fan of buying clothes in the children's department. At 5 ft 4, I can fit into the largest size there (or I could before, you know...)

Aurelia said...

I do find this odd actually, because you are paying her and she is going to be carrying your child. So shouldn't this be your choice?

Is there anything the agency had written down one way or the other? And how do you find out the outcome of the FET and then keep up to date with the pregnancy?

Maybe you don't want to know now, but I'm imagining that as time goes on, you will want to know what happens at various ultrasounds and how things look, because you may decide you want reassurance.

Have you asked the agency what's up?

SaraS-P said...

I sort of agree with Lori that perhaps a little detachment (until the "big" result) could be good. After so much time so involved in the minutiae of the reproductive process, maybe it would be nice to suddenly just find out about a pregnancy instead of all the steps leading up to it.

But I know I would want to know a lot, myself.

Clementine said...

Strange. Not necessarily troublesome-strange, but still interesting.

Christine said...

i wonder why she is so reticent to communicate with you. . . what does FET mean?

Running on empty

Tash said...

Hey, I'm 5'2" -- so I'll just look right at ya! I find this odd. Even if you told her, "Hey, I don't wanna know sh*t" but then changed your mind and called and whispered "ok, maybe just a few things" I'd think she'd respond? Maybe she's just stressed about the way things are going in the final countdown and doesn't want to call with news in the event it needs postponed? Or something? Just thinking why she'd do this. Have a feeling it's not just universe giving us all the big ol' finger, again.

Tash said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
niobe said...

Christine: Sorry. I sometimes forget that not everyone is up on all the ART (assisted reproduction technology) lingo.

During the IVF (in vitro fertilization) process that resulted in me getting pregnant with the twins, we transferred only two embryos. The rest were frozen.

An FET is a frozen embryo transfer, where 1 or 2 of the remaining embryos will be unfrozen and transferred to the surrogate.

Since the embryos already exist, we don't have to worry about producing or fertilizing eggs.

Antigone said...

FET as opposed to Boba Fett.

I'm 5'9" and am getting fat. No children's clothes for me (in my closet or in the nursery).

Which Box said...

Oh, isn't that the way it goes?

I wonder what her resistance is? A measure of her control? has she been a surrogate before, so this is old hat to her? Odd.

Beruriah said...

Niobe: 5'2" isn't nearly short enough for me to need to look down....I can almost share your advantage; although my hips aren't very girlish anymore.

the dragonfly said...

Oh, that would make me so crazy! I hope all goes well for you...

Ahuva Batya said...

It hardly seems fair of her to withhold communiation from you; it would be nice to at least have the little bit of information you are requesting. I agree with Which Box, it seems perhaps some kind of control issue on her side. At least, that is now I would view it.

Clarissa said...

Yow. That really sucks, Niobe.
The relationship with your surrogate should be one of openness and communication. I know you have said that you do not want to be involved too much but for HER to be so out of touch with you isn't ok. Like, not her baby, so what does she have to keep to herself about? It is all your business....
Hoping for you that part gets worked out in a positive way soon.

Thinking of you. And, I am just going to put this out there...I have no doubts that this will work with your current surrogate, but if, for some unforseen reason, things fall apart...you know where to find me...

CLC said...

I have to agree with Which Box? that maybe it is her trying to be in control. I hope you can get answers from someone. Is there an agency you are working with that you can call with these questions?

Julia said...

Oy is just about all I have on this.

But I am getting a feeling we could have ourselves a nice short blogger get-together. And we could take turns sitting on a bar stool and looking down at everyone else.

Amy said...

I hope you can get some answers sometime soon. It would be nice to just be able to plan a little bit. I'm sure it's incredibly difficult for you to NOT know anything.

Thinking of you!

Lisa b said...

As others have said, it seems a little unreasonable for her to not keep you up to date. Glad you see the humour.

At almost 5'3' I am glad to know I am in good company in shortsville.

STE said...

Ahh, I'm an outlier again, with Antigone at 5'9".

I would be a bit uncomfortable with reticence on the part of the surrogate, but I've become very skeptical of everything and most people these days. I assume there is some sort of contract laying out specifics of who gets to attend which appointments, what information is shared and when it is shared, etc. Niobe, as the genetic parent, I would assume you would have the choice to go to appointments or not, but the surrogate would have less say in that? (I'm sorry if I've chosen words poorly, I don't mean to be offensive to the rights of surrogates or those who are pursuing surrogacy. Are there terms I'm missing?)

I don't know how these things work; hope it's okay to put in my two cents. I know I would be going nuts not knowing, but there is something to be said for trying to *not* be too involved in the process. Whatever makes it easier on the psyche. You are in my thoughts.

Casey said...

I can kind of understand why she might be a little shy at this point. I might be hesitant to become too emotionally involved with the intended parents until I could share some good news with them. It just sounds like a lot of pressure.

And, well, I would also be a little squeamish about a non-doctor/nurse stranger being present when things are being inserted into my vagina. But dates? That doesn't seem like difficult information to communicate.

Then again, I would be screened out immediately if I were to volunteer to be a surrogate, so maybe I'm not the best person to offer a perspective on this.

At any rate, I hope you can ease into a comfortable relationship with her soon. And I really hope the universe finds someone else to taunt.

k@lakly said...

Being a lifetime member of the vertically challenged, checking in at a whopping 5'2" (although in my big hair days I was comfortably 5'5" with an Aqu.a Net assist) I'll add my two cents...I can't imagine not having the decency to at least return your calls or respond to an email. That's just rude.

I hope she shows you more respect than that and also that her personality can't be absorbed by your baby:)

Thinking of you.

Magpie said...

Oh dear. I hope you find a good middle ground.

Aurelia said...

Reading Clarissa's comment makes me feel all warm and fuzzy here. Just sayin'

Amelie said...

Hm. Odd.
If I calculated correctly, my 5 and a half feet are somewhere in the middle here... but who knows. Those conversions confuse me.

Becky said...

I've got nothing good to say that hasn't already been said (besides which, I don't know how I'd feel in the situation. And even if I did, I'm not you, sadly for me),

BUT

If you need someone to lay the smack down, I'm here, anytime and anywhere.

wheelsonthebus said...

I find it excruciating when my life is proceeding behind closed doors and without my say in the matter. I cannot even imagine how difficult this process would be.

Kymberli said...

Ahhh...Poetic Justice the movie. Who DIDN'T love a gum-smacking, ghetto-gold earring wearing, dookie braided Janet Jackson reading poems written by Maya Angelou? Oh Maya - whya???