Monday, May 5, 2008

cynosure



It was one of my last days in Paris and one of the few afternoons when you could pretend it was warm enough to sit outside. Facing the indoor part of the café, I noticed the white of her shirt, the slicing motions of her hands. I focused my camera on the ice in my glass, dimming her to a background blur, then reversed the perspective, putting her at the picture's center. A few minutes later, she walked out of the café alone, hesitated, then crossed the side street. It was only then that I realized that she was probably eight months pregnant.

I'm floored and touched by all of your comments. And I want you to know that I'm thinking of you too -- especially those of you still waiting and hoping or those who feel left behind or those who've moved on to other places. I know that, for me, there have been times that, for some reason or for no reason at all, someone else's good news has tasted bitter, has burnt acrid in my lungs. And now, staring at the lucky card in my hand, I hate that somewhere, fortune, blind and wild, is breaking others on her monstrous spinning wheel.

16 comments:

Zee said...

Funny you should use that image. The wheel, I mean. My given name is a form of Catherine, the saint who was martyred by being broken on a wheel. So it seems only fitting somehow. (And yes, one of the many pitfalls of being a lost English major IS playing Find the Symbolism in That more often than is strictly healthy.)

Julia said...

I hate it too.

And I hate that it is probably true that no matter how long we wait and hope for others, some will still be left out. So freaking unfair.

The pictures are amazing, as always.

sweetsalty kate said...

Speaking of floored, I missed your news somehow. I'm all aglow and feeling soft and hopeful and quiet and peaceful and sending it all your way. Said so often these days online - 'sending you light' - but I really, really am. You and the tiniest of beans.

Big smiles for you today in Nova Scotia. xo

Monica H said...

"left behind" is exactly how I have been feeling lately. Though not your fault. I am ecstatic for you my dear!

Tash said...

(lifting this effin' big wheel off my chest in order to say) meh, 'tis ok. If anyone's going to hold the lucky card for a few hands, I'm glad it's one of us. Happy to hold the big wheel for a while if it keeps it off a few who need a break. (But we're not talking about it, right? We're talking a good game of cards here, right?)

Amanda said...

I want you to know that I'm thinking of you too -- especially those of you still waiting and hoping or those who feel left behind or those who've moved on to other places.

You are so absolutely lovely. Thank you for looking back and offering a word of comfort to those of us who remain.

Lori said...

I think that all the time, even now. And I have ever since I became pregnant after my loss. While I have embraced my own happiness and good fortune, I have wished desperately for a way to spread it around.

Anonymous said...

I guess for me it seems that wishes of good fortune can ring hollow in others' ears. I really don't feel like others are being "left behind." Everyone has a path to follow which is different (and some paths really suck a big wad). My great grandmother said, "comparisons are odious." I wish I could follow her advice and not compare myself, but alas....
I sure am happy for you Niobe.
Allypally

calliope said...

A little kid once told me that he wasn't being left behind, he was "just repeating". Repeating is something that feels more apt as it is more individual than being left behind- which implies others.

or something like that.

Regardless- it doesn't change that I am over the moon THRILLED for you.

Beautiful photos as always.

xo

Christine said...

i've had that feeling about many things in my life--the knowledge that my good fortune will sting another in the heart.

i've felt it, too.

all of it is hard, but in the end, even if it hurts others a little i know they are so happy for you.

Furrow said...

Your photos make me want to be beautiful.

passingwindows said...

Gorgeous pictures, they're my favourite. Or have I already said that?

Don't think about the wheel. It helps to hear good news has tasted bitter for you too, I feel like less of a selfish monster. And don't think about the wheel.

Which Box said...

It's so hard to juggle (tentative) happiness with the knowledge that others are unhappy. I agree it's different paths. Good luck on yours. So many people are pulling for you.

Melissia said...

I am new to the infertility world and have been trying to decide if I have the emotional/physical health to start the IVF trail. It has been 19 years since my last pregnancy, but I still have that deep burning desire for a child. You news gives me hope, just hope, that for some of us, we do sometimes, get, what our heart desires.
Your heart must be huge to be considering those who are still waiting. Bless you.

My Reality said...

Ah, the spinning wheel. It never stops. Your success with this cycle has been hard won. I am thrilled that it has started out well. I hope it continues.

Angela said...

Blind and wild. That's the best description of Fortune I've heard in a while.