Friday, June 13, 2008

so far

It's almost lunchtime and I'm heading north. The highway is choked with cars and I begin to worry about the time, but, after five or six miles, I see the blue lights and the tow truck. The traffic slows even more and I don't try to stop myself from staring at the side of the road. One car seems untouched, but the other is blackened and bent, the doors ajar and the hood folded at an unpleasant angle.

I drive by Target, Staples, and, finally, just before Center Street, pull into the parking lot of the fake-brick office building. The waiting room walls are decorated with Impressionist-style prints depicting faintly European scenes -- cafe tables shaded by umbrellas, stone steps leading to the sea. Behind the desk, the office staff are answering phones. I hear one of them say, "You need to take her to the emergency room right away" Someone's cellphone ring and the ringtone is the Goo Goo Dolls' Better Days.

The office door opens. It's Kyrie with Caden and another boy, equally small, equally blond. "This is Caden's friend, Declan," says Kyrie.

"Hi, Declan," I say, "Do you like dinosaurs too?" Declan is holding a plastic T-Rex, which he lets me look at while he transfers his juice box to the other hand.

We're ushered down the hallway ("Single file, everyone!," says Kyrie) to the small, dark ultrsound room. "How are you feeling?" the tech asks Kyrie as she picks up the monitor.

There's a pause, while I dig my nails into my palms. "Look!" Caden says to Declan, "There's the baby!" then, "Is that the baby, Mama?"

"That's right," says Kyrie, "Remember how I told you that the baby lives in a special place in Mama's tummy?" But Caden has already lost interest. "I think we should be starting to get a dog, Mama."

The heartbeat is right on target. The size is too, and maybe even a couple of days ahead. The tech prints out a few pictures and Kyrie puts them in her bag.

"Can we go to the pool, Mama?" asks Caden, as we walk out, "Can we go to the museum?"

We all ride the elevator together to the lobby. "Bye, Caden. Bye, Declan. Bye Kyrie." I wave and open the door of my car. "Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend," says the radio as I wait for the light to change.

A right, then a left just after the strip mall brings me back to the highway. I'm heading south and, in the breakdown lane, someone is riding a motorcycle without a helmet. I'm going exactly the speed limit, but I'm still the slowest car on the road.

57 comments:

excavator said...

Sigh of relief for you, Niobe.

Ahhhhh.

DD said...

Don't know why, but I'm in tears now. Hormonal sap or quiet joy?

Maybe a little of both.

Tash said...

phew.

Coggy said...

Big sigh of relief. Step away from the edge indeed.

Sara said...

Good, good, good.

Aunt Becky said...

The tears are copious and salty.

LAS said...

What a relief - I am so glad for you that everything looks good!!

leanne said...

Great news!

Lori said...

It's a relief for sure. I am so, so happy for you.

Knowing you, I am sure you didn't want the ultrasound pictures, but did Kyrie even offer them to you? Those are the little details you include in your writing that always leave me wondering...

Julia said...

So far. But that is what I am learning-- this is one (hopefully very long) road made of so fars.

I was thinking the same thing Lori was, btw...

Amelie said...

Another sigh of relief for you today.
And I, too, was thinking the same as Lori and Julia.

Antigone said...

Why don't you get the pictures?

If this one somehow manages to live then it might be nice to have them.

niobe said...

Well, since everyone (or at least Lori, Julia, and Amelie) is wondering, Kyrie didn't need to ask because she already knows that I don't want any pictures. I can't even bear to look at the screen.

niobe said...

Antigone: I wouldn't want any ultrasound photos no matter what happens.

Ultrasounds remind me of things that I don't like to think about.

MCK Mama said...

Thanks for sharing with us. I can understand about your feelings about the ultrasound photos. I am so glad you went to the appt., though. Aren't you?

On a different note, I love to name things and I think it's fun that you get to come up with all these pseudonyms on your blog! Declan is a name right up there for us...we have Irish named children and I'd love that one for our next baby. All that to say, neat choice for the little blond friend's name.

Love following your story.

With much hope for you and your family,

Mck Mama

Karen said...

again, wow.

Anonymous said...

yay. plus a sigh of relief. --c

My Reality said...

This is the best news I have heard all day.

slouching mom said...

excellent.

Kymberli said...

My guts were clenched in a tight knot until I read that the heartbeat was fine and on target. I'm glad you explained about the u/s pics, because I was ready to jump on it like the others.

Beck said...

Very good news.

Betty M said...

What a relief. Happy to read all is good.

Eva said...

Yay!

The Nanny said...

Very happy.

Maggie said...

Ditto what everyone else said. What a relief - and more congrats to you Niobe!

Maggie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bea said...

This post is like one of those writing exercises where you have to communicate everything by describing the events, with no reporting of thought or emotion. Like everybody else, I wondered about the photos, and also about the almost ghost-like presence you are in this story, like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. If you were invisible and inaudible, the story would read much the same way.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Breathing a huge sigh of relief for you. And of course sending lots hugs your way as well. :)

Alex said...

You write so beautifully.

While I realize it's necessary yet not sufficient I'm glad to hear that this pregnancy appears healthy.

I continue to hope for you.

Catherine said...

I'm not sure what it says about me, but I'm angry that Caden and Declan were there for the ultrasound. It seems...I don't know...irresponsible...on so many different levels. But I've got my own issues.

Glad things are going well. {{{hugs}}}

Angel Mom said...

Yay!

m said...

*exhale*

thirtysomething said...

Great news! Yea Niobe!
I am proud of you for going to the appointment. I know your feelings on that and I know that it must have been somewhat bombarded with memories. Good on you for walking through that.

And, should you decide, after the healthy birth of your little one, to want those pictures, I am sure she is keeping them for you... Then, of course, it would be "safe" to look back and enjoy.

Still holding you in daily thoughts.

Beruriah said...

Nice.

And Niobe, we finally have something in common in terms of coping - I didn't want Samuel's u/s pictures either.

I'm not angry, but like Catherine, I'm wondering - are you ok with Caden and Declan being there?

niobe said...

Catherine and Beruriah: If Caden and Declan were my kids, there's no way I would bring them to the ob appointments.

But I can certainly understand why Kyrie is making a different decision.

Ms. Planner said...

Major sigh of relief for you and Kyrie and the embryo.

Step away from the ledge indeed. Just go slow. Maybe one step at a time. It is more important that one establishes the will to walk away rather than the act of stepping away.

Such good news from you...

Missing said...

Even though a bit slower, I am hoping you will arrive at your destination.
=)

k@lakly said...

I am with you on the u/s. I get physically ill everytime I walk into the room, I will only look after they have told me that for the moment things are still ok...

I am so gald that things are still ok for you...

missedconceptions said...

Life is very fragile, whether it is a first-trimester embryo, or an adult riding in a car or a motorcycle. It can be snatched away in an instant.

For now, however, your little embryo is full of life. Enjoy it.

Monica H said...

I'm a little late, but WHEW! and YAY!

Dayna said...

<3 <3 <3

Anonymous said...

I never looked at the ultrasound during "that" pg either, and I didn't take any pictures until the high risk OB pressed them on me in the third trimester.

There was too much pain behind the "last" ultrasound for the previous pg -- the one where there was no heartbeat.......

I get it.

Awake said...

good good good news.

Ruby said...

Great news! Still praying for many more good appointments.

docgrumbles said...

Why didn't she hand you the pictures?

How about a "How are you feeling?" for Niobe?

christina(apronstrings) said...

PHEW!

christina(apronstrings) said...

PHEW!

Which Box said...

Whew. Another day down. One step at a time.

Elizabeth said...

I love that song.

AJW5403 said...

What good news!

Clementine said...

I'm relieved for you. I'm so glad that Kyrie had this ultrasound.

wannabe mom said...

i'm glad that the u/s appts continue to go well.

Christine said...

good, good, good.

Kami said...

Yeah for a good u/s!

CLC said...

Good news. Glad to hear it.

Aurelia said...

I'm glad things are going well.

painted maypole said...

lovely post.

great news.

but why didn't YOU get some pictures?