Monday, November 24, 2008

onward and upward

a bad vase doesn't break
The last time I hosted Thanksgiving, my mother, unhappy with the poorly-made stuffing, left for parts unknown (actually Fargo, North Dakota), shortly before dessert was served, leaving me to wash the dishes all by myself. The next morning, my husband ran off with a 22-year-old rugby player, the cat got run over (eventually, though not immediately, fatally), the lawn service forgot to show up and I spent an entire cold, rainy weekend raking a hilly half-acre's worth of maple leaves. And when I checked my bank account, I found I was too broke to pay the mortgage or even to buy a fifth of decent brandy.

Which is why I'm confident that this year is going to go much, much better. (For one thing, my liquor cabinet is fully stocked)


(apologies to all who've already gleaned my tale of woe from twitter)

43 comments:

CLC said...

Yep, this time has got to be better. It doesn't sound like things could get much worse as the Turkey Day you just described.

wheelsonthebus said...

ok, no one else is allowed to bitch about the holidays because you win, hands down

wheelsonthebus said...

ok, no one else is allowed to bitch about the holidays because you win, hands down

diana said...

he WHAT? she WHAT? ...and the poor cat! yes, me too I bet on a fully stocked liquor cabinet! Cheers!

Magpie said...

I can't decide if this is better in the tweet telling or the blog telling. In any case, it is a perfect storm of misery.

Here's to a better Thanksgiving this year!

Tash said...

I've had Christmases like that, but never a thanksgiving. At least not yet. Wow, jinx myself much?

The most heartbreaking clip from your tale of woe has to be the stuffing. How do you fuck up stuffing? No, seriously? And you're always welcome here if you don't mind a bit of drywall dust in your bourbon gravy.

niobe said...

You know, Tash, I must confess that I don't really like stuffing that much (or, indeed, at all) so I probably fail to give it the attention it deserves.

My cranberry kuchen, however, was awesome. All the more so because I didn't have to share it with anyone else.

Eva said...

What the hell? Really? I did NOT glean any of this, not doing Twitter.

Well the only place to go is up.

Antigone said...

Oh it can always get worse. Always.

niobe said...

Alas, Antigone, you have hit the proverbial nail on the proverbial head. Which is just one of the reasons why I love you madly.

Julia said...

I too subscribe to the can always get worse school of though. Which is why I too keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet.

Soooo... is your mother coming this year too? I could spot you some good stuffing, if she is...

And I have to say that Magpie's assertion, the connoisseur of fine word that she is, that it was better in Tweets is the first thing enticing me to subscribe for that other mighty time sink.

We are making cranberry salad and pumpkin pie for desert... You know, in case you become interested in the contents of our liquor cabinet. :)

niobe said...

Julia: Nope, my mom "can't" make it this year. Yet another reason for optimism.

Tash said...

Maybe you just haven't had good stuffing! Hmmm?

LawMommy said...

What? Is this the same husband you currently have?

I have an awesome stuffing recipe. Unfortunately, it involves sausage, and I cannot remember if you keep kosher. (Well, or if you shun generally shun pork products, even if you don't keep kosher all the time.) If not, let me know, I'll email it to you. It is easy.

niobe said...

Even though I generally avoid pork and shellfish, I don't keep anything like strictly kosher (the two dishwashers and separate milk and meat dishes is too much for me).

Plus, I happily eat lots of tofu sausage, so please, please send the recipe along.

Lori said...

The subtraction of said mother and the addition of said liquor seem pretty promising. Now all you need is a lawn boy.

Awake said...

I've never tried brandy and always considered myself a little too uncool for the drink. Not surprised it was your choice.

Hopefully, after the meal this year, all you get is a good nap.

Rachel said...

Here's to a happier Thanksgiving this time around.

Bon said...

i hope this was long enough ago that with wry humour you'll forgive me saying it's the most interesting thing i've read all week. and that i'm perversely cheered by it?

anyhoo, my stuffing has never made anyone head to Fargo, so far as i know...whole grain bread, lots of butter and chicken stock (or veg stock if you prefer), onions, a bit of sage, and a crapload of summer savoury. eat with cranberry sauce. bizarrely good.

(i have never given anyone a recipe before. i feel so Cleaver)

Furrow said...

How could anything go wrong with such lovely crockery?

My fingers are crossed for you and your pets.

thordora said...

a UTI...THAT would have TOTALLY just been the icing. :)

Eat too much and have gas this year instead. :)

charmedgirl said...

NIO!! this sounds too hilarious to be real...and i took a few minutes to try and figure out if it is fictional...sadly, it's probably not (and definitely NOT hilarious, in which case...).

at least you've learned the first and foremost lesson in hosting any holiday: do not, i repeat, DO NOT wake up the morning-of and not have ALCOHOL at the ready.

c. said...

Well, when you explain it like that, there's no where to go but up, isn't there?

diana said...

I've been back through the blog and I understand a bit now. But, hey, you, Antigone and sometimes Which Box are the winners (yes, Antigone gets the gold medal)

niobe said...

Diana: So, at least I'm in the running for the bronze???

calliope said...

I am burning some virtual sage around Thanksgiving of 2008 and hoping that this year is way way way better. I mean seriously. WAY better.
xo

My Reality said...

What time is dinner?

I will bring the stuffing.

Clementine said...

Geez, Niobe. What a holiday!

Here's wishing you an uneventful Thanksgiving 2008.

Dayna said...

I'm sorry about the cat, and the husband.

Your mother, too, I suppose, although if she shows up this year and gripes about stuffing I strongly suggest you lob it at her head.

I highly suspect, however, that you are much nicer than I am.

erica said...

I would think chances of this Thanksgiving being better are high, and I hope this year is uneventful and fun, and that you have plenty of help with the dishes. (I'm afraid to say anything more optimistic in case I might jinx it.)

And you've reminded me that the holiday season is precisely the reason I need to stock my liquor cabinet.

Anonymous said...

it can always get worse and i can't believe what i've read...i agree with whoever said this has been quite an interesting read!
please elaborate on the husband situation, though?

and i don't like your mother. there: i said it.

and i think you'd love my parmesean, raisin, pignoli stuffing. yes, really.

happy freaking thanksgiving!
~Jana

passingwindows said...

Your husband REALLY ran off with a 22 year old rugby player? That would be enough to make me skip thanksgiving for ever and ever afterwards. Hope this one throws you a better round of party tricks.

JamieD said...

Holy crap. That might be a sign from above that you should never host Thanksgiving dinner again.

You could always do what we did - go to the Cracker Barrel. And we didn't even do it on Thanksgiving Day, we went yesterday. We are really a festive bunch.

niobe said...

Dayna: I'm sorry about the cat, and the husband.

Thanks. And me too. I was really quite fond of the cat.

diana said...

You did then, now you're a looser in this crappy contest. I think I told you once, the best is yet to come; I've been only partially in your shoes some zillion years ago. I'll email the present.

diana said...

And I love YOU madly!

beagle said...

Does this mean I'm not allowed to complain about my eSIL anymore?

The husband part is a joke, right? I hope? If not . . . he's the real turkey!

niobe said...

Passing Windows: your husband REALLY ran off with a 22 year old rugby player?

It's possible that she may also have dabbled in field hockey. She was nothing if not versatile. If you know what I mean.

Lisa b said...

#$!# I certainly hope this year is better!

Topcat said...

Well thank God you cleared that up ... I was really starting to worry if the 22-year old rugby player was a MAN. Sheesh.

niobe said...

Topcat: Not that there would have been anything (well, besides the obvious) wrong with that.

Lori said...

How is it you can make me laugh while sharing one of the worst holiday stories I have ever heard? You are a conundrum, dear Niobe.

painted maypole said...

erm... wow. it's bound to go better.

yikes.