Monday, December 29, 2008

over and over

We had an appointment this morning. Thirty-nine weeks. Everything looks fine.

But I also learned that my SIL is pregnant. The SIL whose beautiful, healthy daughter was born at the same time that, in a happier world, the twins would have been. The SIL I haven't had any contact with for over two years.

It's entirely irrational but I feel the same old story is about to repeat itself with me, once again, cast in the role of the bereft mother.

41 comments:

Clarabella said...

Glad the appointment went well. I imagine it's natural, if not irrational-as you admit, to feel that way about your SIL's pregnancy. But look, you've just said it yourself, 39 weeks! He could arrive any minute and be perfect and healthy and ALL YOURS! Hang in there; you've almost got him in your arms.
I imagine, from reading everything you've written here, that your feelings are more self-preservatory (yes, I made that up) than anything really toward your SIL. Maybe? But I could be wrong (it's been known to happen.) In any case, I hope you get to shake (and believe you will!) the "role of bereft mother" very soon, say, in about a week. Perhaps your son and your SIL's pregnancy will create a space for the two of you to reconnect, if you want to. Regardless, I am thinking about you and Baby Boy and Kyrie and holding my breath for an announcement!

CLC said...

Wow, 39 weeks. You are so close, yet I imagine you still feel so far.

I understand why you feel the way you do about the situation with SIL. Hopefully, you will look back in a couple of weeks and chalk it up to irrational thoughts! It might not make sense to the "normal" pregos out there, but I get it.

Kymberli said...

Not this time, Niobe. Not this time.

Just days to go. Hang in there.

Elspeth said...

Irrational -- eh. Sounds entirely normal, to me.

But then, I still harbor all manner of complicated feelings regarding the father of my firstborn, our daughter who died. And towards his wife, whom he subsequently married. And their daughter, who lived to be raised by him, in what was once my house.

39 weeks and everything looking fine is lovely. Holding him in your arms, at home? Oh, Niobe, this little corner of the internet is going to explode with joy for you when that moment arrives.

Julia said...

I get it. And I didn't even need a SIL to make me feel that-- it was enough, as you know, that the Cub was a boy. And yet he made it. So all I want this New Year's is for you to be similarly wrong.
And world peace. But mostly the thing where you are wrong.

k@lakly said...

Not irrational at all. When you've been run over by the train once it's entirely rational to be scared that it will run you over again.
But, and I'm not one to put much faith in numbers, they really are on your side now. And 39 weeks!! Are they going to wait it out or induce? Could be a very exciting new years eve for you! Here's to a screaming baby new year in your arms and heart.

niobe said...

K@lakly -- if I had my druthers, we'd induce. Like, immediately. But, even though it's our baby, it's Kyrie's pregnancy, so it's her choice and she wants to wait it out.

slouching mom said...

i can't believe how close it is. thinking of you daily.

hourly.

xo

luna said...

not this time is right. just a few more days to go...

wheelsonthebus said...

not this time. it is a whole new time.

Tash said...

Late to the party, but I imagine I'd think the same. exact. thing. History repeating, and luck befalling the luckless, and all that.

sounds to me like you're on different timelines though, this time around and that has to count for something.

missedconceptions said...

I had one miscarriage and everyone said, "gee, it's just bad luck." Then I had another miscarriage and those same people said, "gee, you just have really, really bad luck." And then they wondered why I was an emotional mess my entire third pregnancy? When does the back luck end, right?

My good luck, however, is squawking for his sweet potato puree.

Your luck is about to change, too.

Christine said...

you have no idea how much i am thinking about you and that little baby. no more sadness, i refuse to believe that there will be anything but a happy ending here.

xoxo

Cara said...

Oh my...any day. You hear pregnant mothers talk about how the "last couple weeks" are the hardest. Well - welcome to motherhood cause YOU are this baby's mother!

Grad3 said...

Amazing- 39 weeks! Remember- feelings are not supposed to rational (that's what kinda nice about them in my opinion). Hang in there- you will have your perfect boy soon! ~Hugs~

thirtysomething said...

Oh. My. gosh.
It is almost time!
This time will be totally different, a time for the scenario to play out in an entirely different manner- you taking home your beautiful, perfect, healthy baby boy. (and getting up every 2 hours to feed him, changing 15 diapers a day, cleaning up baby spit-up off the furniture and your best sweater, and loving every minute of it!) ;)

nonlineargirl said...

There are people in our lives about whom we can not be rational.

I understand the fear, and hope that all goes well for you and yours.

Anonymous said...

I've been lurking on your blog, Niobe, since my son died a year and half ago. I'm 35+ weeks and everyone says 'almost there!' Which I am, which you are. But so much gets erased with that comment, with hope standing in for everything that can't be said about loss, chance, and permanence.

Thinking of you and your babes.

Catherine said...

I simply will not accept anything other than you in the role of the happily-sleep-deprived-mother-of-a-living-newborn. Do you understand me?

Anonymous said...

Look on the bright side: maybe she will lose hers, then you'll be even.

Oooh, evil troll I am! But I'm right, aren't I? You are totally wishing for it.

Aurelia said...

You will be fine, even though yes, this will be such a strange conundrum.

Do you think that if things goes all well, as we all hope, that you will ever talk to your SIL again?

Eva said...

Not gonna happen. You're gonna be really tired all the time really soon and it's gonna be great.

Betty M said...

So glad everyting is looking good and it is getting so close.
I don't think it is irrational at all but I don't belive it will be true.

Dayna said...

Many good thoughts, Niobe. Your feelings are your feelings, and they don't sound all that irrational to me.

xo xo

Amy said...

No no no. Not this time.

Thinking of you as it all gets so close. I can't wait to see beautiful photos of gorgeous fingers and toes, and hear reports of mommyhood.

Monica H said...

No No No! This time is different. History will not repeat itself. Not this time.

Glad everything looks so good at 39 weeks. One week to go!

My Reality said...

I think this time, your story will be different. I am glad all is going well with the pregnancy.

Hannah said...

Holy shit girl, 39 weeks already??!?! Please tell me you are all ready now for that wee boylet to come home...

As for your SIL - once bitten, twice shy. I can see why you'd be apprehensive. Expectant mothers are not always rational creatures; every emotion is heightened and every fear magnified. In your case, even more so. But this time will be different. You'll be so busy chasing after that sweet baby by the time she has hers, you won't even have time to spare her a passing thought.

Fingers and toes crossed over here!

Trish said...

You cannot even let your mind go there. I know it is impossible to be completely positive and worry free, given your history. But, I just know that in a week or so you will be bringing home a perfect baby boy! Does your SIL live close by? I agree with the others that this could be an opportunity to reconnect, if you want to...

Amanda said...

I understand that grief and that worry, but this time is going to be different -- I just know it. Watching and waiting for your good, good news.

flutter said...

you will be celebrating soon

flutter said...

you will be celebrating soon

Amy said...

I know this is a really hard time for you but I just have that good feeling! Only good things (baby, smiles, laughter) are coming your way.

Hang in there!

Amanda said...

Your almost there. That is so wonderful. Cant wait to see pics of your rainbow baby! Come on little one time to meet your mommy!

c. said...

Holding out hope that the same old story doesn't play out, Niobe. I mean, it can't. Because this story is a new story. It just has to be.

Angela said...

Ohhh, I'm on pins and needles for you.

Rosepetal said...

Rationality is sometimes overrated you know. I'm happy to read that the 39 week appointment went well.

diana said...

No, you know, whooever is playing this (human) muppets show restarted once again, to fix it where it went so pointlessly wrong!
39 weeks... I want to never feel like that again!

Artblog said...

Sweetie, same thing happened to me with miscarriage number two, then she got pregnant same time as me with Dan, all turned out fine for the both of us this time round thank g-d, it can happen, have faith, (at least just a little for the time being) cant promise anything but it can happen, you saw it for yourself :)

xxx

Carly said...

Oh Niobe, praying for your worrying heart. It is not the same story.

xxx

Calliope said...

39 weeks! hurrah for a great and smooth appointment.

As for the SIL. sigh...ain't the Universe grand with timing?

Having epic faith for you that everything continues to go well. Your life is not contingent on her life. It just can't be.

xo