the secret sharer
"The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works," said St. Augustine in the eponymous Confessions of St. Augustine.* And confession is supposed to be good for the soul.
So, borrowing the idea from the Online Nanny (who tells me that she took it from some other blogger), I'm opening the comments to this post to any and all confessions. All that I ask is that they be strictly anonymous -- no names, not even your own. If there are enough responses, I just might reveal one or two of my own secrets, hidden among other comments.
So, use the anonymous commenter option and 'fess up. Spill each and every one of your deepest, darkest secrets. You'll feel so much better. I promise.
*Of course, he also said, "O Lord, give me chastity. But not just yet."
144 comments:
I'm still not entirely convinced that my husband didn't cheat on me 4 years ago.
Most days, I wish I knew how to give up.
I really wanted to get pregnant. Now that I am, I'm not sure I want to be.
I'm 35 and afraid to have another baby, but afraid not to have another baby. I also have a husband who doesn't want any more children, but would do it for me if I wanted.
I'm worried that I'll end up resenting him if we don't have one, and he'll end up resenting me if we do.
I cheated on my husband twice before our wedding and he still thinks he's the only man I've ever kissed.
I'm not sure I love my husband anymore.
I'm addicted to dead baby blogs.
I hate hearing infertiles complain when it has really been quite easy. Then the ones who put their kids in full time day care at 6 weeks or 3 months and/or can't be bothered to breastfeed. Why bother? Did they just want a lifestyle accessory?
I've run up almost $20K in credit card debt.
I'm worried that I'm not bonded to my baby, that I don't lover her as much as I should.
I haven't had sex since 2006 and I don't miss it at all.
I want to use the embryos we have left to try for another child, but I'm afraid my husband won't be able to cope with another baby, and I'm scared of sending him into depression again.
Once upon a time (but no so very long ago) I kissed a cop for fifteen minutes in the parking garage of the public library. He asked me to go to a motel with him. I said no. It's the closest I have ever come to cheating on my husband. I don't know why I did it. I love my husband and I didn't really care about that cop.
I had a 7 month affair w/ a married coworker that overlapped slightly with when i started dating my husband (7 years ago). As far as i know no one ever found out about my coworker and I.
A few months after my baby passed away, I cheated on my husband. It made me feel better and there was no feeling of guilt.
I don't love my husband. And I think now that maybe I never did.
I hate people who say shit like a loss is a loss. They just have no idea what the fuck their talking about.
A year into my marriage, I had a couple of heavy kissing sessions with my ex-boyfriend. He was the one that I know I would have ended up with had I not made the choice of marrying my husband. The ex and I are still good friends but only talk once every year or so, and if I'm perfectly honest, there's still some heat there. I'm a bit twisted about feeling that way, especially because I love my husband so much and know that I'd never cheat on him.
I don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm terrified that my boyfriend might not turn into the man I need him to be.
My husband and I are not intimate often enough and I am always left wanting more than I know I will ever get. Yes, I've tried asking for more.
I've reconnected with various old boyfriends and lovers recently on Facebook. Talking with them makes me feel like a sensual woman again, revisiting our liaisons. It has led a few times to sexual conversations, exchanging nude pictures and once was phone sex.
I always feel bad afterward and cool off my connection whenever I cross the line. I don't want to cheat, but it would be so easy.
The first loss I count was actually an abortion. Knowing what I know now, I was well on the way to being eclamptic but that isn't the reason we had an abortion. Definitely a case of the right decision but definitely for the wrong reasons.
Of my husband and me, I'm the main breadwinner and I hate it. Not the work, but that I'm so responsible for keeping us afloat with my tiny paychecks.
I want to poke hole in our condoms so I can have another baby but my dh has been unemployed for over 10 months and we are barely making it. He doesn't want more children but I do. Sometimes I feel like we have such different wants in life that maybe our marriage was a mistake.
Life-threatening pregnancy problems made it crystal clear that my husband SUCKS at taking care of me. He kept forgetting to shop and cook when I was on bedrest. He never asked any questions about my care during doctor appointments. And when I nearly died, the decision about going to the hospital was left up to me -- the person whose brain was shutting down due to internal bleeding and shock!
Through sheer luck, I'm better now. But our marriage will never be the same. It's very hard to know that if I ever get sick again, I'm on my own.
There's a really good chance I'm asexual. I can't afford a sex therapist. The thought of no sexual pleasure for life is fucking depressing.
Whenever I read about someone grieving a loss that seems "smaller" than mine - one early miscarriage, e.g. - I roll my eyes and internally tell them to shut the fuck up and get over it. They don't know what grieving is.
And then it dawns on me that there's probably someone out there feeling that same way about me and my loss, and I feel ashamed for having those thoughts.
To get out of a sticky situation with an ex boyfriend I made up a story about a boy from my past who had hit me. I feel horrible since he never did.
I really want to experiment with other women, and men, sexually, but want to stay married. I also do not want my husband to have the same option, just me, and be ok with it. I'm a terrible terrible person. Also, morally, I should never have these thoughts. Worse yet, is we discussed it, and he was ok with it, partially. I've never been more relieved, and guilty at the same time, and terrified I'll take him up on it.
My husband had a horrible accident 6 years ago and was very lucky to survive. He suffered horrible head injuries, but now beleives he is fully recovered. I don't agree. I often think about leaving him, but then feel guilty because I did promise "in sickness and in health". I often think that the man I loved died that day, and now I am left with this angry, bitter person. I'm afraid that I will turn into a bitter angry person too!
i feel trapped
I have hemorrhoids. Actually, I think I have an anal prolapse.
I'm afraid of becoming my mother.
I read a number of dead baby blogs, although I have never lost a child. I'm now contemplating becoming a therapist and specializing in this arena, but feel guilty and like an outsider because I have a healthy baby.
Before I was married I had an affair with a woman who had been my student. I was still a professor but she was no longer at the college at the time of the affair, a 'non-traditional', older student -- and yet, I still can't shake the feeling that I transgressed an ethical boundary.
I have a hard time not hating my best friend. All because she's now thin and I'm still fat. This makes me happy that she lives across the country. I honestly don't know how I can ever stand next to her again.
I'm afraid that a pill that I took while pregnant killed my baby.
Sometimes I think that my life would be easier if my husband were to die.
I had an abortion when I was 22. I've never told anyone. It may be the only child I ever could have had.
Someone wrote above, "A few months after my baby passed away, I cheated on my husband. It made me feel better and there was no feeling of guilt."
Me too. I'm already cheating emotionally and am very close to cheating physically. Losing a baby was a wedge in what was already a lukewarm marriage and I feel like I need sex and passion with someone else in order to heal.
I kissed a girl and I liked it, and I hope my husband doesn't find out. In fact I kiss her every chance I get.. he has no clue.. But I think he has been cheating on me with other boys.. He was gay before we got together. I'm hopeful that it evens things out.. I love him and I don't want to leave him, we have a baby together.
Sometimes I think I had another baby to replace the one that died, and now that my baby isn't "perfect" I think about having another one to try and get it right this time. I feel like a horrible mother for having these thoughts, because I love my baby and I wouldn't change him.. but I still long to have the same experiences as other parents, the ones who have normal babies.. :(
Sometimes I think about killing myself. But then I realise that I could never do that to my 4 year old and 7 month old and then I realise that I'm doomed to be in this dark, bleak, dreary place for a long long time. And that makes it worse. And also knowing that I have two wonderful little children, a roof over our head, food in our stomachs, money in the bank, an employed husband who loves me doesn't help either - just makes me feel selfish and ungrateful and so so so guilty that it isn't enough to make me happy... which in turns makes me fantasise about ending it all... It's such a vicious cycle.
I didn't have a late miscarriage as everyone believes. I terminated the pregnancy after the amnio revealed Down Syndrome. Sometimes I think Sarah Palin was meant to personally torment me. I also think everyone in dead baby land knows and judges me.
If I was Niobe, I wouldn't be able to resist using sitemeter to figure out who authored some of these.
About thinking about killing yourself, wanting to so much and knowing you can't for your children... ME TOO. For YEARS. Exactly as you desribe it. So much to be grateful for and so wicked for just wanting to disappear. Isn't this what I wanted? Now... not so much suicidal as just mad as hell.. I think the reason I resorted to suicidal thoughts were because I felt trapped like a rat.
Then... recently a loved one died. I went to the funeral without my husband and met a man. We talked for maybe 5 minutes, a good half of that with our fathers there with us, as they're old friends. I could only think RUN, YOU'RE MARRIED because he was so just lovely, and I knew if I talked to him for more than that 5 minutes.. that might be it for my faithful wife routine.
The confession though: I wish I had called him and met him ANYWHERE before I left to go home. Feel like I missed a key opportunity.
If my husband hadn't suddenly died, I'm fairly certain that we would have eventually divorced. We had drifted apart, he wasn't interested in us as a family at all. Life is probably easier without him.
So those are good things right? So why do I have a stock pile of meds that would be lethal? Why do I consider using them daily? I love my kids but I think they would be better off without me. The only thing stopping me is the effect it would have on my kids.
I was raped when I was young. I gave the child up for adoption and now she is searching for me. How do I do this? How do I tell her that her "father" died in prison, but even if he hadn't I would have killed him?
I cheated on my husband when we were engaged. It lasted for a few months. I experienced my first orgasm with this other man. I truly believe that is the reason our baby died, as punishment for my cheating. I'm scared to death one day my husband will find out about this other man.
I am a horrible mother. I have a lot of anger and bitterness as a result of our baby dying. I was such a better mother before.
There is absolutely nothing I like about myself. Nothing. Do you have any idea how that feels?
to above anon:
Yes. Yes I do.
I love them, but I don't deserve them. Sometimes I think it would be better if I died before they realize what a horrible mother I am.
I screamed at her because I couldn't take it any more. I screamed "SHUT UP!" and when I calmed down and sat on the floor next to her, she curled up in my arms and stopped crying, because I am still the only mother she has.
I felt sorry for her, being stuck with me for a mother.
I have never felt like such utter shit.
Every time I hear about a baby born at a much earlier gestational age than mine that outweighs mine by at least a pound (or two or three), I feel like a failure.
Then I feel like an asshole, because...why do I care?
Years ago I had a defacto relationship with an initially charming, charismatic but completely crazy, controlling man. He was very difficult and impossible to live with. He was extremely violent to me and I never told anyone. In retrospect I suspect he always had huge mental problems but at the time I was crumbling under the weight of trying to please an unpleasable person and keep it all together. I had my 1st bout of depression towards the end of it all and couldn't see the wood for the trees. All I knew was I had to get out to save myself. A few years after we broke up, he killed himself. I feel relieved that he's dead and vindicated about his true nature. It's like a weight lifted off me.
I love to flirt with a married man who's frustrated with his life. I'll miss his emails and texts when this cools off, but will miss seeing him be a great dad more.
At night I ask myself, if my only option to raise kids was being a step mom, would I choose that over my wonderful marriage.
I am so jealous and angry. I had to leave a party recently when I realized everyone else there has exactly what I always thought my life would be -- married, kids, etc. Instead, I'm going through a divorce from a man who cheated on me for years because he wouldn't sleep with me because he was afraid to try to get me pregnant because he figured we wouldn't work out. Talk about f*ed up logic.
And now I'm too bitter to even consider another relationship, much less another marriage, and that means I will likely never have kids. I'm watching my fertile years disappear before my very eyes.
To above anon that screamed "SHUT UP" at her child...
Me too. More than once, but I think she's too young to remember. I hope she's too young to remember.
I am scared that maybe I'm kidding myself and I'm a shitty mother and will fuck up my child's life.
My mom tried to kill herself about 12 years ago. It's not my secret, but I'm forced to hold it for her, and that makes me angry, but I can't feel ok about being angry about it.
My ex-husband thinks my oldest child was an accident. He wasn't. The ex was all "blah blah five year plan" and I had a diagnosis of endo and had been told it was "now or never." I'd do it again, too.
I am ungrateful. But then I think you already knew that didn't you?
Reading these has left me more than a little freaked out about how few people are faithful. Am I kidding myself thinking that I / my husband / our marriage can be?
Here is my confession: reading the posts about those of you who wanted to commit suicide made me so angry I could barely see.
One of my parents committed suicide. I know it is because s/he was mentally ill, but while I do feel some sympathy, what I mostly feel is angry. If I could see my parent today, I would not ask “why” or “what could I have done?” I would say, or yell, “you stupid, stupid fuck.”
People may pity you and although they will seek to understand what you did and why you did it, they still will hate you. Suicide is the most selfish, most unforgivable thing you can do. It is the easy way out. You clearly have depression and although talking about mental illness is not easy, it is necessary.
You are ultimately the one who has control of your life and you are not doomed or trapped. You feel this way, yes, but that is not ultimately the reality. Mental illness – and suicidal thoughts indicate that you ARE mentally ill – messes up your notion of reality.
If you are trapped, get out. If you are depressed, get help. If you are “stuck in a vicious cycle,” you need to break the cycle. If you life is “dark, bleak, and dreary,” then change it. Suicide is not what you do because life is too hard; suicide becomes an option when you do not create the change you need.
Go hang out at an oncology office or a cancer treatment center. Watch how voraciously these people are fighting to live. When you have your body pumped full of toxic chemicals for the chance at a future, you see how precious life really is.
Your family can’t say this to you, so I will: don’t be a stupid fuck.
To the person who thinks a pill they took killed her baby: I'm positive a course of pills I took killed my baby. Positive.
I don't know if I can ever forgive my husband for making me give birth to our son alone. He couldn't bare to see him and the nurses obviously hated having to deal with the dead baby mamma so I labored for 22 hours and gave birth alone, in a dark room, with the Dr. only intervening at the end. I felt abondoned and don't know how to let it go.
I nearly killed myself because of mental illness, nearly died. I'm not a "stupid fuck"-I'm someone with an illness I can't always control. I'm so bloody sick of people who think it can be turned off. Do you just ignore cancer? heart disease? I fight daily with my illness, I fight hard. I watched my mother die of cancer, and she couldn't stop that anymore than I can stop the bad thoughts some day.
Thankfully I have people in my life who DO get it, and who are there for me, sans judgement.
I nearly divorced last summer, due to infidelity of a sort, and some issues on my end.
Sex used to be wonderful. Now, I hate it, and I know that given the chance, I might cheap, just to feel wanted and beautiful again.
I hate myself for this.
I think there IS someone else.
To the person who said the above about suicide. I understand why you feel the way you do, and I pray I never make my kid/s live through what you have. But I have to say, you have no clue. You have no clue. You - have - no - clue. Suicidal thoughts, suicidal attemps - for me and the one who understands me most, because she walks a road that looks so much like mine - are what happens when all the rest doesn't stop the pain.
When the talking doesn't help. When your doctor says "obviously these meds aren't helping, lets try this combo instead" when you've tried so many med coctails and the pain still seeps back in. When - you've seen the inside of every mental hospital in your area...and two other states, and you're still destined to fight everyday, for what the rest of the world is just gifted with.
When voices inside you tell you your making everything worse on everyone you love. When everything they say makes perfect sence. When you can see it so easily, even if they're just lying. When you think about all the terrible ways you can die and decide to try the most horrid way you can think of (like, dehydrating yourself to death, which can take weeks) just because you know you deserve it. The worst thing possible. For all you've done.
I can't "create a change I need" I didn't ask for this. My brain is fucked. It's chemical. I can't think my way into a better tomorrow. I can't process this away. I didn't ask for it, I didn't deserve it. It's just my life.
Somehow - I'm still here. And to be honest it has nothing to do with my strength or determination to not die. It has everything to do with this girl, my best friend. Her diagnosis is the same, her walk, similar, and we, we're up in each others business, and love each other enough to call 911.
You call it selfish...but...who are you to say you'd do any different? I have compassion for those who lose it and don't come back. For all the pain you feel today, your parent must have felt worse. After all, you're still here.
Today, my kid was ridding his battery opperated hummer, and watching his brother chase me with a stick, he wasn't watching where he was going. I looked up with only seconds to spare, enough to scream stop at the top of my lungs, and watch horridly as he rode the hummer under our boat that's in the back yard being prepared for summer.
The hummer hit nothing. His head slammed into the side of the boat, knocking him backwards and stopping the hummer.
I screamed at him and his brother. He even quit crying to watch me lose it.
It's just in a second I saw it all his funeral, the loss, like before.
I gave him ice for the bump and gave them both ice cream and cartoons, and I cleaned the kitchen and cried. My poor boys. Always living in the dead one's shadow.
Before our era, I had three abortions, in two different relationships. And I don't regret. And, deep in my whatever, I love someone who's not my husband. I love my husband, too.
A friend of mine that is a guy is getting marred next week and in June Im going to his state to have sex with him. Yes, I know what this makes me... I have felt like poop for it, but I am still going to have sex with a man that getting marred next week...
I let the air out of my brother-n-law car, all four. He yelled at my sister and it made me mad!
My good friend just told me she is pregnant tonight and I hate her. I hate everyone. This is the third friend in a week to give me there happy news. I have lost hope, all hope that I am never going to deliver a healthly live baby let alone get pregnant again. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.
I officially qualify this post the most Niobe-esque ever.
I got pregnant when I was a teenager. I was in denial about things at first, and I went out with my friends and did drugs one night. I dont even know what they were, but I was seriously screwed up. I decided to keep the baby, and every day I prayed that the drugs didnt do anything to her. She was born without any problems and I was so thankful. 10 years later she developed an autoimmune disease and I constantly wonder if its my fault.
I wish my brother would drop dead I hate him so much.
I hate my mother-in-law and brothers-in-law. People think I dislike them, but I HATE them. (Secret #2: This really isn't my deepest, darkest secret. I can't tell you that or I'll get arrested.)
I had a one-of-the-.3%-for-whom-the-Pill-is-ineffective abortion while in grad school, because having a baby would not have been convenient. I assume the subsequent loss of a hoped for and planned baby was God's punishment for doing so. I fear I have not even begun to pay the price.
i will always have affairs with women. i justify it because, in trying to convince me to do it and let him be involved, my husband told me it wasn't cheating. if it wasn't cheating for his benefit, it isn't cheating for mine.
To the person freaked out about their partner being faithful... That is one of my deepest fears, and probably why my husband and I agreed to the rule that it isn't cheating if we tell each other about it the next day... never has happened, but we've each toed the line (and then told) and now I realize that the occasional physical attractions I feel for others have nothing to do with my deep love of my husband... and I no longer worry at night when he is not yet home. I guess I am the type of person who can't be traditionally faithful, but can be under our little pact. Makes it easier to live with myself
I worry every day that my son is going to die. It doesn't feel like he is meant to be here with us. I never worry about my daughter. I've thought things like this before and always been right. I worry that thinking about his death will cause it to happen.
my husband cheated on my a few years ago. I never really believed that it truly ended. I believe that he has cheated on me again, and it will continue. We have a daughter that he loves with all his heart. I am going to divorce him and take everything from him and ruin his life the way he ruined mine. And as he did me, he wont see it coming
My husband's worst worry while I was pregnant was that our baby would be a hermaphrodite. And I kept saying it was a girl. And now I feel like it's our fault that our son has no testosterone.
The only time I ever got pregnant (easily, deliberately, the first month of trying) I got scared and thought I'd made a mistake and I hoped I would miscarry. I didn't want to be pregnant any more. I even wrote those words in my journal. I didn't stop smoking or drinking coffee, figuring "if it's meant to be, it'll stay and if not it won't". I also didn't use the progesterone the doctor prescribed. Then I did miscarry and I was devastated. Beyond devastated. And I haven't been able to get pregnant since, even with treatments, and now I found out I probably never will. And I KNOW I'm being punished for being so ungrateful. I know it.
My friend is pregnant and I say I'm happy for her. But sometimes I wish something bad would happen so she'd know how I feel.
I've been trying to get pregnant for years, but I'm absolutely terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. Also, my husband isn't really keen on the whole thing, so I'm wondering why we even bother. Still, I don't know how to stop. I feel like I'll regret it if we don't have one, but also if we do.
I am so jealous and angry and full of hate I fear that there's something wrong with me.
When I was young I lied to my High School sweetheart that I was pregnant. I was screwed up and hoping that he would show me he really loved me. He, of course, freaked out and said we had to "deal with it because his life was just starting". I took $300 from him for a fake abortion and went to Florida with my best girlfriend. Afterward I told him I did it and that it was twins.... Today I am barren and he has a beautiful daughter and a set of twins with his wife. Karma at it's best.
Again with the suicide thing - I totally understand where you're coming from with fighting the urge non-stop and still feeling like you're being sucked down into the darkness and nothing is working to help you stop it.
In case you haven't had a *saliva* (blood tests don't give the same results) test of your hormones and considered naturopathic bio-identical hormone treatment (from an ND), if you can, give it a shot. It's why I'm still here. It FINALLY made the difference.
You can call us Stupid Fucks or Cowards or Whatever if it makes you feel better, it's no worse than what we've called ourselves. And the memory of a childhood friend whose mother killed herself and how that fucked him up is one reason why I just kept searching for better answers. Sorry if you were under the impression we were sitting under a dark cloud waiting for a white horse. Some people die trying.
I'm so ungrateful sometimes for all the things that have happened to me in my life ... and I'm scared that one day it'll all get thrown back in my face.
I ache for unconditional love so much it hurts, but I never want to have a child. I'm so scared I'll get too invested in a relationship and it won't work out ... and I won't be able to pick myself up from it ... and then I'll feel weak because look what other people are going through.
I feel like, when it comes to my family, nothing I do is ever good enough and I am so sick of it. The least little thing they do starts the waterworks lately ... I'm so scared of snapping and losing control.
To the person who had one of their parents commit suicide and as a result is angry at the posts about those people who consider this option themselves:
I'm am the anon who feels like I'm in a dark, dreary and bleak place.
FYI: My father commited suicide 5 years ago - it was completly out of the blue for me. There was no known depression in him. One day he was happy (seemingly) the next day he was dead. I am still VERY VERY angry at him. I don't know if I will ever be able to come to terms with what he did to me and his wife of 25 years, or my 4 brothers, not to mention the rest of his family and friends.
I also have a close friend who also happens to be my Sister-in-Law and she is actually going through that cancer battle you described. I've watched her suffer, she is not the same person she used to be, and how could she be after all that she's gone through. I know how hard she fights to live, even though she knows she knows that she may only have a year to live. It doesnt deter her from treatment, doesn't stop her from fighting her disease.
And I, myself, have suffered from depression since I was 11 - thats 15 years. More than half my life already. I'm still here. Even though I've tried to commit suicide three times, I'm still here. I was in my teens and naive and young.
And I now I KNOW that I will NEVER kill myself. I know the damage it does. But, that doesn't stop the thoughts or the feelings. Maybe you should try to live like that. Maybe then you would refrain from calling people stupid fuck or cowards or any other name you have for us.
I'm sure this post has been helpful, but for me it's just a little too much Niobe.
My dad killed himself, my mum would belt me, I got severely bullied by my sisters. I grew up, drank a lot, got into smack, and used to fuck guys for money.
Sometimes I even liked it.
I'm now clean, have wonderful children, husband .... but sometimes wish I could shoot up and fuck guys for money.
Oh my God that is so outrageous. I can hardly believe it myself.
I never called anyone a coward, but suicide -- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN -- is never the way out. If you have children, you live for more than yourself. And if you can't live for more than yourself, then don't have children.
I enjoy the assumption that I do. not. understand. Oh, I do indeed. And I am still here, by choice. We are ALL still here by choice.
What I said was this: suicide is selfish, hurtful, and your family will never forgive you.
Whatever peace you perceive there to be in suicide, remember that you will forever scar your family beyond words. The pain you feel that suicide might erase in your life will manifest itself exponentially higher in those you leave behind.
And anyone who does that to their family, *is* a stupid fuck in my book. Suicide is not romantic, it is not a "way out," it does not end your pain; it just shifts the burden of that anxiety, malaise, fear, terror, depression, and horror onto those you (supposedly) love.
Niobe, this post has made me feel like the most emotionally healthy person ever.
Wow.
Please don't ever do this again.
Anon @ 12:13pm: And here I was thinking that I was going to make this into a regular feature....
My daughter was conceived with donor eggs and I don't ever want to tell her. I'm afraid that she'll reject me and think I'm not her "real" mother.
I never feel like I will truly be enough for my family. I love my children, my husband and my parents but there is never enough left for me. And I feel like a selfish ogre for even wanting something more than I have.
My life has been turned completely upside down in the last month. I used to think I was the luckiest person in the world. Now I'm so depressed that the thought of getting out of bed is hell.
I just want things back the way they were.
I could have written 2:19 word for word myself....enlightening
I loved reading these, much in the same way that i have a deep love for america's next top model and the real housewives of anywhere.
My husband convinced me to give up my stable job and move across the country, so he could start a new business venture. I gave up my good job, my house, my support system, my stability.
Now we are here, and I stay home with 14 month old son full time. The business is shit, my son whines a lot and gets on my nerves, we are broke, my weight is ballooning, and I am miserable.
If things don't change, we will be flat broke by July. We are riding on an out-of-control train, and we can't get off. Someone else took my stable job, the job is gone. Someone rented my house. I am stuck in a lease here, too.
Everyone around me looks happy, beautiful, tanned, skinny, and dressed to the nines. I am wearing an old, giant t-shirt, to cover up my spare tire. The shirt is stained with my son's lunch. I need a haircut. I can't fit well into any of my clothes. The only pair of jeans I can squeeze into are digging into me. They look terrible on me. I am an embarrassment.
I feel trapped. I am angry he brought me out here. I am always holding back my tears. I am lonely, unhappy, frustrated, and bored. I have no one to talk to about this.
I don't much feel like revealing my deepest darkest secret, but I do admit to sincerely questioning the sincerity of my "blog" friends. In reality i doubt they care for me as anything more that a number on site meter.
Oh--and several (not all) of the above confessions seem like BS to me.
Just saying.
I came back to delete my secret but I can't because of course it's left under "anon".
Now I feel like I'm naked.
W-O-W!
My boyfriend cheated on me when I was pregnant. He claims he did not sleep with her, but what bs...whether they did or not doesn't matter, they had some sort of relationship that is mutually exclusive with us being together.
We survived all of that and are still together and he is loving and wonderful. Our child is my dream come true. Life is good.
I don't deserve it because we cheated together when he was married. That is why once he was separated we waited 7 years to try for a child even though I was old for starting a family when we met.
But the price I pay for my bad behavior is that I don't trust him and believe he will be an ass to us one day.
My husband was diagnosed with cancer and he is having surgery soon to remove the organ where the cancer is located. We have an infant. I am scared to death of losing him and being a single parent.
The most messed up part is his ex (whom he hasn't spoken to in 10 years) sought him out on a social networking site to tell him she's been having dreams every night of giving him chemo (she's an oncology nurse). She tells him that this has happened before, where she has dreamed of other's illness and deaths and that she can predict what course the cancer will take and when the person will die.
I am a total skeptic and completely not religious, but I can't help wondering how she knew something was wrong with him when we had just found out ourselves.
I want to know what she "See"s. But I'm too afraid to find out ahead of time if this will kill him.
And part of me is jealous... why does she get to see what happens to my husband in the future?
I love my husband with all my heart. He's my best friend and I'd never leave him, but being with him has fucked up my life so much I wish we'd never met. I could have written the comment above from May 8 4:16.
Also? I think I'm probably asexual. Should have worked that out BEFORE marrying a guy who likes it three times a day.
I ate a giant double chocolate brownie for breakfast and I'd do it again tomorrow.
My husband has a brain tumor. It totally sucks. I harbor a lot of bitterness and jealousy toward "normal" friends and even strangers, those whose dreams weren't shattered by a seizure in the backseat of a car... It's really hard, but I should still be a better person.
I think moms who don't work after their kids are in kindergarten are pathetic.
I have a good life. I love my husband, he loves me. I love my daughter. I love where I live. I love my family. I think my favorite dancer is going to win Dancing with the Stars.
These are not "secrets", but I don't actively advertise them. Nonetheless, I'm quite sure it is evident to those who know me. Just as most of these confessions are...
I've never had sex. (Oh, God, that's embarrassing.) I'm afraid it's never going to happen. It sucks.
Confession I think some of these blogs that say i want a baby, i want a baby, i want a baby, i want a baby, THEN they have a baby and they learn it not all roses, piss me off. Helloooooo was head stuck cloud somewhere????? Kids are a lot work, they are not dolls. And speaking of that, they not going to break either, you act as if you are only one ever had a kid. Love of Goose they are not going to fall apart if someone didn't fallow your golden instruction on babysitting 101. AND yes they are a lot work, it called being a mom not playing house! SO that why I try to stick with people like this blog. Niobe has her head on right she a mom that I enjoy reading her blogs!
Yes, I see my error in typing for those you going to post about it.... It just goes to prove we are all not perfect...
Niobe, thank you for doing this, I do hope you do this more often, it feel great to let go of things that one may normally never say!
I stuck my dirty finger in my older sister ice tea and stirred it after she made fun me, It felt great! I know I'm 30 but still felt good!
And a totally unrelated question ... what is in the photo? I see earring backs and a necklace (?)?
It is a great photo!
I once urinated in my roommate's body wash.
It liberated me from my fury like nothing else and I could behave like a civil human being to him afterwards.
That I can't urinate in everyone's body wash is the great pity here.
This is amazing, Niobe.
anon @ 11:34 -- It's a photo of my night stand (hence the title). I have a few old sterling candleholders and I use them to store jewelry odds and ends.
Holy crap, I just posted this UNanonymously. Wow.
Here it goes again:
have a few.
I've had an eating disorder for going on twenty years now. Everyone close to me thinks it's stopped. It hasn't. I'm too chicken to quit because I'm afraid I'll get fat. Like that's important.
I'm worried I don't believe in God anymore. I don't know how to talk to my kids about God. I think most of the Christians I know are shitty, bigoted assholes. And yet I still attend church. I have so many questions I'm afraid to explore.
I have no sex drive. I feel sorry for my husband.
Holy shit. Anyone who thinks any of the above secrets are mine, they aren't. I swear! But the likeness is INCREDIBLE.
I wish people would stop equating mental illness to being a stupid fuck. Lord know the next time someone has a heart attack due to disease they had no hand in causing, I'm SOOOO blaming them.
Most of us ARE here, feeling like shit, because we fight the disease. Not that it matters to certain people.
Niobe, do this often. It's ver enlightening.
Yeap I hope you keep this up Niobe, it helps to get it out and see that were not alone! THANK YOU!
I have secrets that just refuse to be typed. So I will say this.
I don't think that leaving a comment such as (((((Hugs))))) will help anyone feel better.
I hate innane comments. Why don't people just say something that they believe when they comment.
i just deleted all the readers from my private blog. i went around deleting comments at various blogs i read. it is like i have disappeared.
and it feels good.
there is a blogger i absolutely loathe. she just recently lost her child. but she writes like she invented grief. just seeing her name in other blog's comments enrages me. i am not proud of this.
WELL I FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think I'm in love with my husband anymore. I spent so much time alone when he went through grad school a few years ago that I got used to being alone all the time. I was heartbroken for about a year that I *was* so alone, being a SAHM, and only seeing him at dinnertime, because he might as well not have been there. The kids were upset that he was never around, and took it out on me. After awhile, I jut got used to it, and started to enjoy being on my own. Now he's been done for a year, and I still feel like, why are you around so much? It doesn't help that he's terrible in bed, either, so much so that I basically refuse to do it with him. I'm not getting all hot and bothered to be left behind after thirty seconds every time anymore, forget it. He had surgery recently and I spent the whole time wondering what it would be like if he died, and to be honest, except for the thought of the kids, who would be devastated, I was fine with the idea. He's a good guy, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, and I'm so sad. This isn't what I thought my life would be like.
I'm a married mom of 2, and in my spare time I write explicit gay male/male pornographic stories and publish them on the internet. And I'm really good at it.
I'm obviously mind numbingly shallow. I just read 130 confessions about adultery & suicide and the confession that bugged me most is May 15, 2009 4:58 PM - "There's a blogger I loathe." I don't want that to be me. I want people to like me - even virtually.
Anon at May 16 11:20am = ME TOO!!
I been sleeping with a man who is NOT single and has a family... Sigh I even fly to meet up with him..... Her gut tells her I am around but she thinks sence I live in another state she safe... Mean time I having best sex ever!
Sometimes I am shit mother to my daughter. I think I was less shit before my other baby girl died. I am miserable most of the time, I don't know what I want my life to be and I am not sure if I want another child.
And I pushed the dog out of the way today and accidentally hurt her leg.
I keep coming back to the comments on this post to read people's confessions.
I always thought I could make my marriage work. It was the right thing to do. But, I often hoped my husband's aggressive driving would end him. Or that his suicidal thoughts would win. After all those years of feeling like I was working so hard to do the right thing, to make it right, he had an affair. He doesn't get to do that. I'm the one who sacrificed. So, I had the best sex of my life with an old flame. I don't feel guilty even though I know it was wrong. I want a family so much, I stayed with him even though I no longer love him. Is it good that our babies died?
I wanted to read at least one confession that made me feel better, like I was better off. I am ashamed of that.
I am deeply bitter that I feel fat despite my binge and purge routine that has resurfaced.
I want to get back in touch with my old best friend, but I won't because I am afraid her life is better than mine.
(Thank you for this)
Early in my pregnancy people commented on how large I was, and joked about me having twins. I said that would be proof God hated me. Or that I could never manage twins. When I went for an US at 13 weeks we found out it was twins. I immediately thought oh shit. Then she couldn't find the second heartbeat. The other baby had died within a few days. I feel like it is my fault, and I am being punished for having bad thoughts. Now that my baby is here I keep thinking of the other baby girl (they were identical) and I am so sad. I feel like I don't have any right to grieve, because I only knew for a few minutes about her, before I knew she was gone. But I am still heartbroken.
I LOVE the idea of these posts! Here's mine:
For years, I avoided having a child because I was afraid I would feel lonely and trapped like so many women here have noted. But I finally realized that I am not my mother. Once I gave myself the permission to care deeply about my career AND about my family, I finally feel like my life is coming together the way that I thought it would have long ago. But I'm afraid to say it out loud, because someone might take it all away.
I am in love with a man i cant have. Now I feel like I will never fine anyone els.
Me and my husband were separated from August to March. At the end of February, I started dating this guy that I met. We had sex three times. Me and my husband have since gotten back together...he doesn't know about the other guy and I will never tell him. I regret doing it and I feel dirty and disgusting and horrible. And if he would cheat on me, I would leave him in a heartbeat.
I feel like tracking down the donor but not tell him who I am, just to see what he's really like.
Ever since my daughter was stillborn, I sometimes wish that other women's children would be stillborn.
I had an abortion and then the next year I delivered a baby that died shortly after. Of course I believe it's my fault. That I am being punished.
I am a believer in God, but sometimes I think I get on his nerves.
I smoke pot.
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