Monday, April 2, 2007

the last good time

JuliaKB said in one of her comments: I actually remember the day before very well. It was a good day.....

Which made me try to remember if there had been a time during the pregnancy when I had been truly happy. Not brave. Not pretending. But just honestly happy. And now that I think about it, there was one -- well, not day -- but moment when the future stretched out in front of me, bright as a river in the sun.

As I've said before, it had been a tense pregnancy, and I was afraid long before I had any reason to be. I told myself that, after the 18-week ultrasound, I would stop worrying. But the night before, I sat up suddenly in bed and said, in a tone of utter conviction, "I have preeclampsia and I'm going to die."

The ultrasound procedure was reassuringly normal. I pulled up my shirt, had my stomach coated with gel, and closed my eyes as the technician slid the scanner back and forth. She asked if I wanted to know the genders, and when I said yes, told me that twin A was a boy and twin B was a girl. Then she said she was going to get the doctor, "just to do a few more measurements." And before the doctor arrived, during those few minutes that I lay there, half-undressed and staring at the ceiling, I was, for once, completely, absolutely happy.

7 comments:

Patience said...

Ouch... I don't know what to say, I truly don't.

I, too, had very few good times during my pregnancy, but the few I had I cherish...

Sara said...

Yeah, I curse the ultrasounds that showed my cervix to be of normal length, after the one that showed it to be short. I'm sure there are some mothers of babies who lived (I always think of them as a group) who also felt terrified throughout.

I hope you're still feeling optimistic about the gc. Josh and I are contemplating trying again, and for some reason that happy optimism left me crying for most of the weekend.

Nicole said...

I am so sad for us.

Lori said...

Sigh.... I'm so sorry.

It's really hard for me to think back on anything "before" and especially my 19 week u/s. Everything looked so good. I let my guard down, and we both felt so happy. We never would have imagined that just four weeks later, it would all be over.

My boy was also Twin A, and my girl was Twin B.

Aurelia said...

I have purposely tried to remember the good times, the happy moments, because I want to remember them. I know that I could let the bad moments overwhelm me if I only remember them.

Hang on.

Artblog said...

You write absolutely beautifully! I'm in awe. I had tears in my eyes reading your story and all your other posts.

I hope, sincerely, that you find peace within yourself, very soon.

HUGS

Monica said...

I'm glad you have that moment. Think on it often if it makes you feel good. If it makes you cry, think on it when you need to cry. Me, it makes me happy to know you had that moment.