in which niobe is sad
I haven't felt this sad in months and months. I feel, y'know, doomed. Cursed.
And you know what pushed me over the edge? Wait for it.
This.
In case you don't want to click through, it's a link to I Won't Fear Love, Julia's place, where she's giving support and excellent practical advice to someone who found her by googling how to stop. And lactation. And stillbirth.
Everyone chimed in with her own similar experience, when -- as someone put it -- her arms were empty, but her breasts were overflowing with all this useless milk. They all talked about how difficult and painful it was to make it stop. How it took weeks to make it stop. How they had to walk around with freaking cabbage leaves stuffed in their bras to make it stop.
And I'm thinking: wait. That didn't happen to me. Not at all. And I mean not at all. Like my body didn't bother to produce any milk because, somehow, it knew all along that there weren't going to be any babies. Because, judging from the responses to Julia's post, this is not normal.
So, tell me, how did this happen? Or, I suppose, not happen. Preferably, the explanation will not include the word mutant.
Oh, and one more thing. And this is important, so listen up. No sympathy. And no hugs.
29 comments:
I don't know a whole lot, because she didn't feel like talking much about it, but it didn't happen to my sister when she lost her first baby. She wasn't quite full-term, so I suppose that could be part of it. Like I said, she didn't feel like talking about it and I didn't want to push her.
Niobe- I really don't know why. I understand why it feels unsettling though, and sad.
And no, being at full term is not required for milk production, as mine were born quite early.
Is it something you would want to talk to a doctor about to get a medical explanation? I guess the danger in that is that there wouldn't be one...
I promise I am not offering you a hug.
I've never produced milk nor have I ever had breast changes. When people complain about their boobs being sore, I've never really felt that. I did produce prolactin prior to fertility treatments, but apparently I don't anymore. But I'm not sure why I've never felt breast changes. But at least the lack of milk was explained by the endocrinologist as being a prolactin problem.
And it breaks my heart too.
I am blaming it on prolonged MgSO4 exposure. If I remember correctly, you were on it for more than a few days, and I am thinking that could do weird things. A friend of mine who was on it for latish pre-e and for the induction with it at 36 weeks had a hell of a time getting her milk going after. Even though she was leaking colostrum all over the place in the week or so before birth. So I am blaming Mg...
I know this is obvious, but women vary in how quickly and easily their milk comes in. Also, lactation is highly responsive to stress hormones--I had enough adrenaline in me to shut my labor down and make me unresponsive to pitocin, and my milk came in slowly, and did not respond well to pumping. I took fenugreek capsules to help things along, but it wasn't until I had a baby at my breast that I actually produced enough to feed her.
Maybe it wasn't so much your body knowing in advance there would be no babies as being ready for the babies but not getting the full set of cues it was waiting for.
When my daughter was born I was only 21 weeks and 6 days but I lactated for about 2 weeks, but...
When I had my son, I was 36 1/2 weeks and I didn't lactate at first. I had preeclampsia and was on magnesium. My Dr. said I probably wouldn't produce any milk because of the magnesium. I finally did, but only after following a strict routine.
This is a sympathy-free & hug-less comment.
For both of my losses my doctor gave me a tablet (shit, forgot what it's called) which just made my boobs go hard for a day - then nothing. I don't know how I would have coped.
My doctors told me that since I was losing the pregnancy so early (26 weeks) then I might lactate, or I might not. I did, in the end, and it was awful. My breasts hurt more than my other end, and I kept soaking shirts through. I took the medicine they gave me, and it didn't really help.
I'm feeling fairly doomed myself today. It turned out that I was unexpectedly pregnant-- like a stillbirth somehow fixed the broken fertility. But the heart stopped at 9 weeks. Not the same level of loss as a stillbirth, but doing nothing for my general sense of being cursed by the Gods.
Oh no. Frumiousb, while I'm not in the mood today for sympathy and hugs, if you are, I'm so sorry.
It seems like one disaster should insulate you from having to go through another. That if you've already gotten stuck with more than your share of misfortune, that you should have a run of good luck to make up for it.
It's incomprehensible that you should have to shoulder yet another burden.
I'm not really looking for sympathy, but I appreciate it all the same. I'm not sure that my doctors aren't a little relieved. It was much earlier than they had wanted to see me pregnant. Although it has caused them to revise their dire projections about my need for ivf and future fertility options.
I agree with you about the run of luck thing, but it doesn't actually seem to work that way. I told almost nobody that I was pregnant. I can't stand the sympathy of being a tragedy walking-- "considering all that you've been through..." etc.
I was given two small tablets - both times around - which were 100% effective at stopping my milk coming throught. And I was very glad that I didn't have to do that. Others are glad that they did go through it, to take it as a sign that their baby(ies) really existed. The drug is called Do.st.in.ex and is given routinely here, but not in the US where it is considered to have too many side-effects. In fact I asked a question about it a while back on Laura's Nate Nate Roller Skate and Kate from Nicolas' garden gave a long reply.
http://natesmomma.blogspot.com/2006/10/cd-1.html
Who wants to be normal?
Seriously though, there is a whole range of normal and that post was most likely to get comments from people who had the same experience so your sample group is flawed.
Which means that your experience is almost certainly as normal as theirs is - so there!
This is of course just my opinion and I haven't consulted dr google or any research papers for a "professional" answer.
I'd put it down to the magnesium, as others have said.
Also, every pregnancy is different -- the way my milk came in, and how much there was, and the timing of it -- was not the same for me with Ben versus Jack.
Third on the magnesium - I had preecclampsia and magnesium and pretty much no milk.
I had a nearly full term baby, and a horrible birth experience, and my milk was slow slow slow to come in. I think there's all kinds of normal.
Do you have your nipples pierced?
No, I kid.
It seems like we only lack knowledge in the area in which we want it most, which probably has to do with why we want it in the first place. Sometimes, my lack of knowledge is enough to suck the life out of me.
Hormones and ions can do all sorts of weird things to your body, and we're far from understanding how and why that happens. As for the mutants, only some different responses can be explained by DNA changes, there are so many other factors to physiological reactions (as you probably know anyway).
As others have suggested, normal comes in many flavours. I experienced engorgement for a week or so, but I just wore a sports bra with nursing pads to try to stem the flow, as it were. It wasn't terribly painful and I was kind of sad when it ended. The last physical reminder of my pregnancy. Plus, it gave me perfect boobs for a week! (I did not just say that)
Okay. I feel like an idiot. You're all right.
And I have much better things to worry about. I have no idea why I was soooo upset about something with absolutely no practical significance whatsoever.
Thank you everyone. I really really appreciate it.
Well if I hadn't been pumping I would never have known my milk was in. There were no changes, no engorgement. I attribute it to various factors, one of them being the magnesium sulfate. Also probably the stress. It's not you at all. And every birth is different and every body, so it doesn't foretell anything (at least that's what I tell myself!)
Niobe, this whole post-dead-baby thing is impossible to predict. I don't blame you for reacting to Julia's post. We all have triggers; some of them really are impossible to comprehend. If this was a trigger for you, well, there's not much to do about it. Besides think about it, blog about it, cry about it, and then ultimately let it go (if at all possible). It seems to me that this is what you are doing here. And that's good.
And unless you have other powers, I seriously doubt you are a mutant.
;)
Niobe--as everyone has said, who can define normal? Each woman's body prepares differently. Some women never even get milk at all--unexplainably. I never, with all four of mine, lactated before the second post-partum day, and that took effort. My body had to react to the cues being given off in the labor process as well as be coached along with pumping, and maybe since yours was so early and there were health issues that brought it on in the first place, that is the culprit. Extreme emotions are also a major factor on physiological processes.
Niobe,
I'm wondering if they gave you Bromocriptine (sp?). (I, freakishly, kept making milk LONG after my son quit nursing. When I finally found a doctor to take me seriously, she gave me the Bromocriptine and the milk was gone with 24 hours.) As it turned out, I have a pituitary abnormality, which caused the prolonged lactation...so, I'm wondering if they gave that to you, at the hospital...after. (I realize bringing up my son is probably not the best way to make you feel not so sad. It's just by way of explanation...)
I'm so very sorry.
I will not hug you. Can I tag you, instead?
Niobe, I know I'm a little late to the table here, but from all the research I've done on lactation and whatnot, it could have to do with the following:
-being earlier in term
-hormones
Just because you didn't make milk then, doesn't mean that you wouldn't have made milk ever. I know a friend who made no milk after delivery for her baby and after trying for two months, they still couldn't induce the milk, but when her second was born, she had an over abundance of milk.
Just goes to show you, nothing is ever normal and even your own body becomes a traitor sometimes.
But honestly, be glad it didn't..I think it just made the experience that much more uncomfortable and who knows, maybe your body decided to save you from this nuisance.
you'll get no hugs from me talking about mutants and the like! Every women's body is different, your milk may have come at the end, you don't know.
Its also amazing how mind over matter works. You sound intelligent enough, you knew there would be lactation, when you lost the babies you probably forced your body to not produce it, out of fear.
So now, no more silly talk of mutants, k?
HUGS (rasp! :)
No hugs here, just envy that you didn't have achy sore boobs with no baby to feed. That stinks majorly.
With my living baby, I could barely squeeze out a drop no matter how long and hard I pumped. With my dead twins (stillborn late 2nd trimester), I was freakin' Elsie the cow.
Just try and tell me the evil fertility gods aren't some mean mother-frickers.
Niobe, severe preeclampsia does massive damage to the endothelium. The more damage to the blood vessels, the longer the healing process, and the less milk...
Also, many women report that their milk supply is damaged by diuretics, and we almost all get lasix postpartum to kickstart the diuresing.
I'm sorry for your loss. It was the mag that stop you from lactating. When I had my daughter I was on mag for three days. I didn't produce milk either. I was very surprised that my boobs were smaller by pp day 4. When my second child was born, I begged not to be put on mag. My dr didn't and I had milk that came in.
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