another river
Kyrie and I met with the social worker this morning to go over our plans and expectations for every contingency that we could think of. I tried to explain to Kyrie that, if I didn’t seem very excited or enthusiastic, it was because I was, well, scared. Scared that the same thing would go wrong. Scared that something different would go wrong. We talked about whether I would go to the doctor’s appointments and I could feel my throat constricting as I said something noncommital. I walked out of the clinic and watched people going in and out of the brand new building across the street – the building that, when I was pregnant, was nothing more than a metal skeleton.
As I drove to work, I turned on the radio. “Okay,” said the host, “I want all of you listeners to call in right now and tell me what you’re waiting for. Something, anything that you’re waiting for.” I’m waiting for the light to change, I said to myself. The license plate on the car in front of me read LETHE, the name of the river that flowed through the underworld, whose waters erased all memories.
32 comments:
The waiting game is not for the timid, that's for sure.
Crossing my fingers, tightly, for you and Kyrie, and wishing that nothing, but nothing goes wrong this time.
All digits are crossed as always. And that river, well that sounds like the place for me a lot of the time.
oh oh oh I hope the waiting is worth the while
I'll be thinking about you and hoping for you! Waiting is the worst. I am really bad at waiting.
I am also really bad at waiting. But I hope that all of your waiting pays off in a big way -- you more than deserve a happy ending.
You are holding on - and truly, I think, go or don't go to doctor's appointments. You are fine either way.
"As I drove to work, I turned on the radio. “Okay,” said the host, “I want all of you listeners to call in right now and tell me what you’re waiting for. Something, anything that you’re waiting for.” I’m waiting for the light to change, I said to myself. The license plate on the car in front of me read LETHE, the name of the river that flowed through the underworld, whose waters erased all memories."
Gawd, Niobe. You are a gifted image-maker.
Don't forget that in your planning that you are allowed to plan for what happens if everything goes right, which is probably scarier than any one thing that could go wrong.
I hope Kyrie understands that you're scared.
Hope your coping with the anxiety. I agree, the appts are optional, whatever is best for you.
Hoping for you and that everything goes smoothly.
i wish this wasn't so.fvckin.hard.for.you. (as it would be for anyone).
i agree with karen...i go or don't.
i'm sure kyrie understands. who wouldn't? ok, your mom, but she's not invited.
:( Hugs my dear, thinking of you, comme dab!
XXX
The license plate is eerie. Just eerie.
Good luck - I'm thinking good thoughts for you.
I will be thinking of you.
Whew, you're making me nervous! But with hopeful anticipation.
Crossing all the relevant appendages for you.
Waiting is so hard...
Here's hoping the wait is short and the reward is eternal.
Thinking of you...
~Carole
Sweetie,
Try to let your logical brain rule this one, and if your emotional side comes up, the panicky part, then hey, I hear Moms-to-be using surrogates can take LOADS O drugs, no risks involved. chuckle.
I vote for chocolate, delicious wine, and a nice bottle of valium. What the hell, can't hurt, right?
If only there was a Lethe river accessible.
Lethe on the liscence plate? What timing.
I'm glad you gave Kyrie fair warning. I think that was wise, and kind, of you.
I wouldn't want all of my memories erased. But I know that not everyone would agree.
If that river existed, I'd be the first one in line to have my memories erased!
I think having a social worker to go over things with Kyrie sounds like a really helpful thing. I'm a big fan of having another person to bounce ideas/thoughts off. And whatever you feel like doing with the appointments, will be fine.
I'm glad you were honest with Kyrie about your feelings with appts. and such. You might just have to cross that bridge when you come to it. Sometimes we don't know if we can do something, until it is right there about to happen.
Wishing for the best for you.
Crossing everything and understanding the lack of excitment. I'm still struggling to be excited as I should be about this pregnancy.
My fingers are crossed for you. Hope all goes well.
I hope everything works out the way you would like it to.
I can understand the lack of emotion. Once burned...
I don't think there's a possible scenario in which you would NOT be scared - I'm sure Kyrie would understand that...
Am hopeful.
I was thinking about you today. I am, in a way a gestational surrogate. I am carrying someone else's child. It made me think about how I would feel if someone else was carrying my genetic child. I thought about the things I would miss out on. I thought about someone else feeling my child kick.
I also thought about the things that would be better. Someone else would give birth, but I would KNOW that the child being born was mine and no one else's.
I understand the fear too. I hope this is just what you need to have a healthy baby.
Hmmm, and do you believe in messages? If you do, how do you feel about the being really LOUD?
I'm wishing the best for you.
oh niobe.
the waiting is hard, huh?
i am hoping that it all works out. it is your turn for good luck.
Running on empty
How fitting that this is all getting started as one year ends and another begins. Cross the river. Perhaps 2008 will bring you happiness and restore your hope.
You have every right to be scared. I would be, too. As for the meaning behind the license plate I often wonder ... if I had the opportunity to erase memories would I actually take it. While some memories are so painful and life-altering I can't seem to stop reliving them, my experiences (collectively) have made me who I am. To lose the memories would be to lose who I am.
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