Monday, August 31, 2009

more is less

If there were just one of them, measuring ahead, strong heartbeat, I like to think I'd be thrilled. Terrified, of course, since I know all the ways that things can still go wrong, but thrilled nonetheless.

And yet, what we have is one of them, measuring ahead, strong heartbeat and the possibility, however slight, of another, and what I feel is mostly sadness.

Yes, some of it is the same old grief, the grief that dulls all griefs that come after: I've lived through much worse than this, I say, after the first death, there is no other.

And some of it is just me thinking about the other one, about poor little B. The odds are very high that he won't make it. If you had to bet, the prudent thing to do would be to bet against him. But he's trying as hard as he possibly can. Poor, poor little B. I miss him already, and he's not even gone.

70 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

oh Niobe.....
love to you all.
xo

areyoukiddingme said...

I wish I knew what to say - it's too early for condolences, and false hope never has a right time. So I'll just wait here with you and send tempered happiness your way.

missing_one said...

*hugs* Well, I guess I will say to you what everyone seems to be constantly saying to me; just try and focus on the good.
-and it looks like there may be some of that 'good' here.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry Niobe. You are right in some sense, it only hurts the first time. But perhaps every time after that, there is the memory of the first time.

CLC said...

you are in my thoughts.

Tash said...

I get this totally.

bir said...

Sending little B thoughts of strength... thinking of you and yours Niobe xx

Melissia said...

I am so sorry that you are in this place. You are in my thoughts.

missedconceptions said...

There is nothing to say, really, except that we are here, and most of us, unfortunately, understand exactly where you are right now.

Is there another u/s scheduled?

My Reality said...

Hoping for you, Niobe.

Lisa b said...

fingers crossed.

Roadblocks and Roller Coasters said...

Thinking of you, Niobe and hoping for the best possible outcome. ((hugs))

Kymberli said...

...then sometimes, there are words.

Keeping you (and Trish) in my thoughts and in all my hopes.

Sunny said...

I am praying for your babies, and your strength to get through the waiting and hoping and knowing.

Aunt Becky said...

Holding all of you tightly.

Antropóloga said...

Oh my. Best wishes.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry you're here waiting, wondering. Though we brought home our Brystol, we too lost our Baby B. As I look at her, I do wonder what both would have been like and I miss the one that is no more. Hoping your B hangs on and takes you all by surprise...

The Nanny said...

Thinking of you all...xoxo

Kristin said...

Oh hon, I am praying hard for all of you. Hopefully, the next news will be a joyous surprise rather than a little bit of heartbreak.

k@lakly said...

Even though it seems the scariest option, I am going to keep hoping. Just because there will always be time to grieve...sighs.

DD said...

I saw the update from your surrogate first and just was crushed to see that not quite everything was perfect. Sometimes I have to wonder, what is perfect anymore?

Which Box said...

I've heard other's say you never quite love your children equally. You love the one who needs you most the most, at that particular time. And B is the one who needs the most, right now.

Sometimes possibilities are the worst. It's easier when there are no possibles, just yes or no. And then too easy think about what isn't rather than what is.

Rooting for little B. And little A, too.

exileinkidville said...

what a hard place to be in. i'm thinking of all of you.

Sara said...

Oh, niobe. How hard. I know it's torture to hope, so I'll do it for you.

Thalia said...

I can only imagine the worry and the tension. Rooting for them both, understanding the odds.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how you concieved twins two times in such a short time span?

painted maypole said...

oh. niobe. wishing you peace and strength and lots and lots of love.

Angela said...

waiting with you...

yes, when is the next u/s?

Julia said...

I could be talking straight out of my butt, but I am guessing that some part of this might be about the first little B. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. And not that there's anything that would make this easier.

Thinking of you. Waiting for news with you.

Artblog said...

Oh babes :( I hoe you're wrong. xxx

thordora said...

thinking of you.

Betty M said...

I am thinking of you too. Hoping for B but also knowing the feelings only too well that come with this situation.

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you. Hoping for B. x

Amelie said...

oh Niobe. Thinking of you, of Trish, of B.

angie said...

Oh, B. I'm still putting some money on you, because that is my nature. Niobe, much love to you. Wishing no part of this process brought sadness.

Jacinta said...

Niobe, fingers crossed for you and little B. I'm sorry this happy news comes with some sadness

Heather said...

Thinking of you.

Virginia said...

Sending hope for A, B, and you.

yummysushipajamas said...

Don't give up hope. I'll be praying for all of you, and hoping that B pulls through without issue.

loribeth said...

Sending you all some (((hugs))).

Caro said...

Understandable. I hope B is ok though.

calliope said...

thinking of you lots. hoping T can get back in for another u/s soon. Being in the inbetween is a fucked up boomerang. Wish I could take you out for coffee and just listen.
xo

IdleMindOfBeth said...

Thinking of you, and sending prayers for strength your way.

Aurelia said...

Oh hon, can I just say that heartbeats are what matters. And I'm hoping for you, but if it can't be, it can't, and I will sit with you while you are sad.

Cassandra said...

Sending hope to all of you.

I never wanted twins to start with, but once there were two, I instantly wanted them both to stay forever. It's amazing how much we can love a gummy bear.

rachel said...

Oh my. I'm hoping and pulling for B, hoping (s)he is a late implanter and slow grower. For an embryo of that size, the heartrate is perfect (read T's blog with details.)

Hoping and praying for all of you.

Rachel said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I'll be praying that little B holds on.

sweetsalty kate said...

I'm mourning your straightforwardness. Nothing is, ever again, is it? At least when it comes to building families. It all feels so fraught.

I'm thinking of you, and feeling hopeful. And just filled with so much admiration for you and your surrogate.

c. said...

...after the first death, there is no other.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

You're in my thoughts, Niobe.

erica said...

Thinking of you and sending love, and wishing I had something more profound to say than I wish this wasn't so hard.

Bluebird said...

Aw, honey. I get this. And I'm sorry. I'm rooting for sweet little B. And rejoicing with you for a stong baby A.

Emily said...

Ooof. Niobe, I am pulling for both of them. I'm sending all of the good thoughts and love I can to spur little baby B on with hopes that he will have caught up with A soon.

Elizabeth said...

Niobe, I'm sending good thoughts your way. This is a sucky situation, and I hope B catches up. I miss our B :-(

Maggie said...

Thinking of you...of all of you...with fingers crossed!

Catherine said...

I have been (and will continue) hoping for the best. {{{hugs}}}

Clementine said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

leanne said...

thinking of you and hoping...

JamieD said...

Thinking of you and both of your babies.

Ruby said...

*sigh* I wish I could...help in some, any way.

Amanda said...

((((HUGS)))) to you and your 2 precious little ones!!

lifecanbeashit said...

I just want to say congratulations. I think its all wonderful news. Dont give up on 'B' yet. There is always hope. :)

Hugs
xxx

excavator said...

Waiting with you, Niobe.

Nearlydawn said...

Thinking of you. I will send supportive prayers your way tonight.

Beruriah said...

I understand, and am thinking about you all. "Little B." That's so sadly sweet.

Furrow said...

I'm sorry your joy is overshadowed by sadness, niobe. Though I've not been there, I think I understand. It must be reminiscent. I am rooting loudly for little B. I don't care for betting.

christina(apronstrings) said...

Oh man, that's sad. No matter what it's sad. I'm sorry. And I'm sure this brings up some stuff. Sorry, N.
Thanks for all the blog love by the way.

Christine said...

there is a baby B that i miss every day, especially since baby A is now off to kindergarten.

i think: "wouldn't be nice if he had his twin to go with him?"

but...

i am rooting for your baby B. hope is not completely lost, right?

xoxo

Magpie said...

What a hard place to be in.

Thinking of you, and A, and B.

Anonymous said...

Hm...

Years ago, on the other coast, I got into the habit of walking a 9 kilometer path through a park. There was a pond. It was late spring. One day I noticed a mother duck with a clutch of one..two..three...nine. They were adorable. She nudged them with her beak, pushing them along the pond's shore.

A few weeks later I counted again: one..two..three...seven. Her clutch had diminished. But there were still seven! Next week...I took another walk through the park and counted again: five. I felt a slight panic. I grieved a little.

Two weeks later...I returned to the park, this time with bread. I sat on the wet grass, tearing off pieces of bread for the mother and her two remaining children. The ducklings were so much larger now. They were almost half her size. She stood between the ducklings and me, taking a protective, possessive stance.

I returned a few days later. The pond was quiet and empty. Summer was over.

-Shamela

charmedgirl said...

i keep reading this; i've had it in my reader since it posted. how can you want one and feel ok without the other? it's a loss, IF little B is lost. IF. IF, i keep thinking.

with all that's happening with your sister ON TOP of little A and B, i hope you're hanging in there ok. (of course you are, but still. this is a whole lotta crapstorm at once.)