more is less
If there were just one of them, measuring ahead, strong heartbeat, I like to think I'd be thrilled. Terrified, of course, since I know all the ways that things can still go wrong, but thrilled nonetheless.
And yet, what we have is one of them, measuring ahead, strong heartbeat and the possibility, however slight, of another, and what I feel is mostly sadness.
Yes, some of it is the same old grief, the grief that dulls all griefs that come after: I've lived through much worse than this, I say, after the first death, there is no other.
And some of it is just me thinking about the other one, about poor little B. The odds are very high that he won't make it. If you had to bet, the prudent thing to do would be to bet against him. But he's trying as hard as he possibly can. Poor, poor little B. I miss him already, and he's not even gone.
69 comments:
oh Niobe.....
love to you all.
xo
I wish I knew what to say - it's too early for condolences, and false hope never has a right time. So I'll just wait here with you and send tempered happiness your way.
*hugs* Well, I guess I will say to you what everyone seems to be constantly saying to me; just try and focus on the good.
-and it looks like there may be some of that 'good' here.
I'm sorry Niobe. You are right in some sense, it only hurts the first time. But perhaps every time after that, there is the memory of the first time.
you are in my thoughts.
I get this totally.
Sending little B thoughts of strength... thinking of you and yours Niobe xx
I am so sorry that you are in this place. You are in my thoughts.
There is nothing to say, really, except that we are here, and most of us, unfortunately, understand exactly where you are right now.
Is there another u/s scheduled?
Hoping for you, Niobe.
fingers crossed.
Thinking of you, Niobe and hoping for the best possible outcome. ((hugs))
...then sometimes, there are words.
Keeping you (and Trish) in my thoughts and in all my hopes.
I am praying for your babies, and your strength to get through the waiting and hoping and knowing.
Holding all of you tightly.
Oh my. Best wishes.
I'm sorry you're here waiting, wondering. Though we brought home our Brystol, we too lost our Baby B. As I look at her, I do wonder what both would have been like and I miss the one that is no more. Hoping your B hangs on and takes you all by surprise...
Thinking of you all...xoxo
Oh hon, I am praying hard for all of you. Hopefully, the next news will be a joyous surprise rather than a little bit of heartbreak.
Even though it seems the scariest option, I am going to keep hoping. Just because there will always be time to grieve...sighs.
I saw the update from your surrogate first and just was crushed to see that not quite everything was perfect. Sometimes I have to wonder, what is perfect anymore?
I've heard other's say you never quite love your children equally. You love the one who needs you most the most, at that particular time. And B is the one who needs the most, right now.
Sometimes possibilities are the worst. It's easier when there are no possibles, just yes or no. And then too easy think about what isn't rather than what is.
Rooting for little B. And little A, too.
what a hard place to be in. i'm thinking of all of you.
Oh, niobe. How hard. I know it's torture to hope, so I'll do it for you.
I can only imagine the worry and the tension. Rooting for them both, understanding the odds.
I wonder how you concieved twins two times in such a short time span?
oh. niobe. wishing you peace and strength and lots and lots of love.
waiting with you...
yes, when is the next u/s?
I could be talking straight out of my butt, but I am guessing that some part of this might be about the first little B. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. And not that there's anything that would make this easier.
Thinking of you. Waiting for news with you.
Oh babes :( I hoe you're wrong. xxx
thinking of you.
I am thinking of you too. Hoping for B but also knowing the feelings only too well that come with this situation.
Thinking of you. Hoping for B. x
oh Niobe. Thinking of you, of Trish, of B.
Oh, B. I'm still putting some money on you, because that is my nature. Niobe, much love to you. Wishing no part of this process brought sadness.
Niobe, fingers crossed for you and little B. I'm sorry this happy news comes with some sadness
Sending hope for A, B, and you.
Don't give up hope. I'll be praying for all of you, and hoping that B pulls through without issue.
Sending you all some (((hugs))).
Understandable. I hope B is ok though.
thinking of you lots. hoping T can get back in for another u/s soon. Being in the inbetween is a fucked up boomerang. Wish I could take you out for coffee and just listen.
xo
Thinking of you, and sending prayers for strength your way.
Oh hon, can I just say that heartbeats are what matters. And I'm hoping for you, but if it can't be, it can't, and I will sit with you while you are sad.
Sending hope to all of you.
I never wanted twins to start with, but once there were two, I instantly wanted them both to stay forever. It's amazing how much we can love a gummy bear.
Oh my. I'm hoping and pulling for B, hoping (s)he is a late implanter and slow grower. For an embryo of that size, the heartrate is perfect (read T's blog with details.)
Hoping and praying for all of you.
Oh, I am so sorry. I'll be praying that little B holds on.
I'm mourning your straightforwardness. Nothing is, ever again, is it? At least when it comes to building families. It all feels so fraught.
I'm thinking of you, and feeling hopeful. And just filled with so much admiration for you and your surrogate.
...after the first death, there is no other.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
You're in my thoughts, Niobe.
Thinking of you and sending love, and wishing I had something more profound to say than I wish this wasn't so hard.
Aw, honey. I get this. And I'm sorry. I'm rooting for sweet little B. And rejoicing with you for a stong baby A.
Ooof. Niobe, I am pulling for both of them. I'm sending all of the good thoughts and love I can to spur little baby B on with hopes that he will have caught up with A soon.
Niobe, I'm sending good thoughts your way. This is a sucky situation, and I hope B catches up. I miss our B :-(
Thinking of you...of all of you...with fingers crossed!
I have been (and will continue) hoping for the best. {{{hugs}}}
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
thinking of you and hoping...
Thinking of you and both of your babies.
*sigh* I wish I could...help in some, any way.
((((HUGS)))) to you and your 2 precious little ones!!
I just want to say congratulations. I think its all wonderful news. Dont give up on 'B' yet. There is always hope. :)
Hugs
xxx
Waiting with you, Niobe.
Thinking of you. I will send supportive prayers your way tonight.
I understand, and am thinking about you all. "Little B." That's so sadly sweet.
I'm sorry your joy is overshadowed by sadness, niobe. Though I've not been there, I think I understand. It must be reminiscent. I am rooting loudly for little B. I don't care for betting.
Oh man, that's sad. No matter what it's sad. I'm sorry. And I'm sure this brings up some stuff. Sorry, N.
Thanks for all the blog love by the way.
there is a baby B that i miss every day, especially since baby A is now off to kindergarten.
i think: "wouldn't be nice if he had his twin to go with him?"
but...
i am rooting for your baby B. hope is not completely lost, right?
xoxo
What a hard place to be in.
Thinking of you, and A, and B.
Hm...
Years ago, on the other coast, I got into the habit of walking a 9 kilometer path through a park. There was a pond. It was late spring. One day I noticed a mother duck with a clutch of one..two..three...nine. They were adorable. She nudged them with her beak, pushing them along the pond's shore.
A few weeks later I counted again: one..two..three...seven. Her clutch had diminished. But there were still seven! Next week...I took another walk through the park and counted again: five. I felt a slight panic. I grieved a little.
Two weeks later...I returned to the park, this time with bread. I sat on the wet grass, tearing off pieces of bread for the mother and her two remaining children. The ducklings were so much larger now. They were almost half her size. She stood between the ducklings and me, taking a protective, possessive stance.
I returned a few days later. The pond was quiet and empty. Summer was over.
-Shamela
i keep reading this; i've had it in my reader since it posted. how can you want one and feel ok without the other? it's a loss, IF little B is lost. IF. IF, i keep thinking.
with all that's happening with your sister ON TOP of little A and B, i hope you're hanging in there ok. (of course you are, but still. this is a whole lotta crapstorm at once.)
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